And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered? Kahlil Gibran
This memorial website was created to remember our dearest Emile de Miranda who was born in South AfricaJohannesburg on March 27, 1985 and decided to leave this world and used a weeping willow tree as his launching pad to heaven on February 5, 2006 at the age of almost 21. You will live forever in our memories and hearts. You were the bravest young soul who walked this earth and I will love and miss you forever my beautiful son.
A message for everyone who lost a child.
I receive so many emails and posts here of parents who want to know if they are going to survive the death of their precious children. Right at this moment you feel as if the unbearable and excruciating pain is never going away. You are deeply convinced that you are going to die of a broken heart. One thing that nobody knows is that the pain is not only a mental one but physical agony. At this moment you feel that the pain is going to drive you insane. Many parents, as I did, get anxiety attacks because the whole situation is just too much to comprehend. You just can’t wrap your head around the awful truth that you are never going to see you child again. Our children should one day bury us, not the other way around. It is not the natural order of things. I was on a suicide mission after my son Emile died by suicide. I could not accept the hateful fact that he was gone. There was no way I could go on without him. I wanted so desperately to join him.
Today I am going to tell you that you are going to survive. You are facing a hard and difficult path of mourning that at times will knock you off your feet. There will be days that you feel you are making progress and then Bam it will hit you all over again. These days will hit you so hard that you will literally feel weak. Nothing in your life will make any sense and not even the fact that you have other children and people who love you will mean anything to you. Your mind just cannot reach further than the hell you are in.
The only way to get through this to a place where you can live again is to talk to someone about the turmoil and utter hell you experience. Take one day at a time, and sometimes just one moment at a time. Hold on tight because I promise you it will pass. With time the dreadful times will become fewer and further between. I know you don’t believe me and you think I am telling an untruth. But I promise you it will happen. You are not going to go to sleep with the thought of your child every night and wake up with that thought forever. One day you will go through one whole day without thinking about him or her. And that day will be such a shock to you. You will feel guilty that you had no thought about your child. That is only natural. Everything about grief is normal. You are finding yourself in an abnormal situation. Nothing about it can be compared to anything else you have ever experienced. There is no point of reference for this tragedy.
The first few years is going to be the worst you can imagine. I am not going to lie to you and say it will be over soon. However, eventually it will get to a point that you can live with it and accept the fact. Your precious child is always with you and I don’t care what anyone says, that is something I know deep in my heart. And don’t let anyone tell you that you have to feel better or they can’t come to rest. That is utter nonsense. They are in the spiritual realm now and their destiny will not be influenced by your grief. Grief has no timeline and you take all the time in the world to heal.
We can’t do this on our own. For a time I was under the impression that I could get through this without any outside help. But one day I realized if I wasn’t going to get professional help I would go completely crazy. The pain was like a cancer eating away at me from the inside. I started seeing a psychologist who used cognitive behavioural therapy to treat his patients. That saved my life, along with regular meditation. The unbearable pain of losing a child doesn’t just go away, you have to work at it and feel the need to heal. I know that at this moment you don’t want to heal, the thought of that is akin to being a traitor to his or her memory.
How could you want to live a normal happy life while your child is in the ground or a box of ashes? Well I am telling you that day will come. One day you will be happy again. You will never forget or stop loving you precious child, but you will be able to look back at this aguish and be surprised at how far you have come. That is a promise my dear friend in grief. Your heart will heal and one thing that helped me to this point is that I know, one day when my time is done here, Emile will be at the gates to welcome me home. But for the time I am here I will make him proud of me.
Please know that I am here if you need someone to talk to, and I am not just saying it because I know exactly what you are going through at this time. You are not alone on this journey of grief, I am walking every step of the way with you.
Rea mom of Emile
27 March 2012
I love and missed you so much today Emile. It was such a stunning day to celebrate your 27th birthday. I saw Mel who came to the tree to wish you a perfect birthday as well. She has loved you for all these years. But you know that already. My heart still aches with longing for you but it is getting easier as the years go by. Thank you for always being with me showing me the journey to take and to warn me of things to come. You are my special angel Emile, I just wish you were here instead of over there. Till we meet again my beautiful son. Love and hugs from here, a poor place without you in it.
5 February 2011 -Five years ago sometime tonight or in the early hours of the morning I lost Emile to suicide. But I am not going to think about that tonight. The great life he lived should be celebrated. I can still see the blonde haired blue eyed little boy running to me with a huge old smile on his face and his arms wide open. Grabbing me and hugging me with so much love and adoration. That little boy I will never forget. I remember when you brought your friends home in high school to brag with your cool beautiful mother, being so proud of me. Telling me that they think I am your sister.You made me feel like an angel do you know that? All my articles you always read, telling everyone I was a journalist and showing off with me. That young boy I will never forget.
You became a beautiful independent, responsible and great adult. I miss the times we would walk for miles on the beach and just talk. Or when we hiked in the mountains, adoring nature and talk about deep stuff. We talked so much, you were my best friend. You understood me better than anyone else and still loved me despite of that or like you said because of being who I was. That young man I will never forget.
I wonder sometimes if you didn’t love me too much and expected me to be perfect. Wanting your girlfriends to be just like me, with all my flaws, crazy and all. You were the kindest most wonderful young man I knew and I am so proud you were my son. Everyone loved you Emile, I don’t know why you didn’t see that. But I am not writing this to question you.
You had your reasons for the choice you made. I respect that and I won’t ask questions about it anymore. It has nothing to do with me. If you wanted me to know you would have told me of that I am sure. We all decide for ourselves in this life. And you used that free will for what you thought was right. I hope you have found the nirvana you were seeking but couldn’t find here on earth. Somehow I think you have and of that I am grateful. The wonderful young man who chose me to be his mother I will never forget.
Blessed Be, Namaste and much much Metta my beautiful son.
Everything happens for a reason,
Even if we can’t see it now...
Treasure every moment you have in this life, anything can happen tomorrow, nothing is for certain. Blessed Be and Namaste!!
Four years since I saw your beautiful face Emile. I can’t believe I have survived this long without you. I still miss and love you so very much my beautiful son. I can’t wait for the day I will see you again. Love you with all my heart for ever and always.
A wonderful beautiful angel was sent by God from heaven to grace my life for almost 21 years.
He suffered on earth to teach me unconditional love, unbearable pain, compassion and being humble before the Almighty Power of God.
He came to teach me that each and every person on earth has a place in the puzzle of life. That nothing happens without God’s hand in it.
He taught me patience and empathy and sympathy for the plight of others.
He showed me that I was stronger than I ever could imagine. That God truly won’t give us a cross we can’t carry to the end.
That special angel was my son Emile, who left me by taking his own life, to force me to go in the deepest darkest places of myself and find the reason for my life here on earth.
He sparkled like a diamond in my life and was allowed by God to return to Heaven to fulfil my life’s destiny.
This is a testament to the joy and love Emile gave me, the smiles and laughter he brought into my life.
The beautiful unconditional love he always showed me, the steadfast way he lived his life, with resolve to make it a great life.
Through pain and suffering he lived to enrich my life.
And the tragic way he left to make me realise my own worth to God. To force me to open my eyes to the way I am suppose to live.
To see the beauty of life and the joy it can bring me by giving of myself and open my heart to the voice of God.
I salute you, Emile, you are my inspiration to be everything I can be and I will do it in your honor.
May my beautiful angel always watch over me, and be there for me when it is my time to go to the other side, to receive me with his arms wide open and be proud for the things I have done.
I thank God my Father for sending that special angel of his and let him be in my life for the time he had here to teach me all.
I love you my beautiful son!!!
You are in my heart forever
I wrote your name in the sand on a beach but your name will
Always be written on my heart
A little bit of your ashes was scattered here but you will always be with me, forever!!
I love you Emile, with all my heart and my soul…
The Other Side
I’m over on the other side
Where life and death softly divide.
Left my skin and bones behind
Now I’m over on the other side.
Can you feel me there with you?
My breath is gone but I’m not through.
Loved you then and I still do
From over on the other side.
I can fly, really fly,
Below the earth… all through the sky.
Tell them all I did not die.
I’m just over on the other side.
It’s good here on the other side.
The sweetest songs…. The bluest skies.
Thank you for the tears you cried
But it’s good here on the other side.
I can fly, really fly, below the earth….all through the sky
Tell them all I did not die
I’m just over on the other side.
The world is smaller than a needle’s eye.
Where life and death softly divide.
When you leave your skin and bones behind
I’ll be waiting on the other side.
I can fly, really fly, below the earth… all through the sky.
Go tell them all I did not die
I’m just over on the other side.
(Sung by Don Conoscenti)
I know you are always with me, you did not die, you just went on over to the Other Side.
You are now in the loving Hands of God
Where you will be always safe and loved!
I sent my love to you on the wings of this snow white dove, I know you have peace now.
Emile, I miss you so very much, you will always be the most special person in my life, forever!! I love you so much it hurts. Lovies my son and friend
My beautiful angel, I miss you so very much!!
You are always in my heart and my thoughts.
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