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"Emile died on his own battlefield.  He was killed in action fighting a personal war.  He fought against adversaries that were as real to him as his death is real to us.  They were powerful adversaries.  They took toll of his energies and endurance.  They exhausted the last vestiges of his courage and strength.  At last these adversaries overwhelmed him.  And it appeared that he lost the war.  But did he?  I see a host of victories that he has won!

For one thing -- he has won our admiration -- because even if he lost the war, we give him credit for his bravery on the battlefield.  And we give him credit for the courage and pride and hope that he used as his weapons as long as he could.  We shall remember not his death, but his daily victories gained through his kindness, thoughtfulness and tidiness, through his love for family and friends, for animals and music and for all things beautiful, lovely and adventurous. We shall remember his hardworking spirit and physical stamina. We shall remember the many days that he was victorious over overwhelming odds.  We shall remember not the years we thought he had left, but the intensity with which he lived the years he had!

Only God knows what this child of His suffered in the silent skirmishes that took place in his soul.  But our consolation is that God does know and understands!"



                Picture335.jpg image by reamomofemile





Emile, you are my angel warrior!! You were the most wonderful son any mother could ever ask for. I know you are in heaven fighting to help other souls over who also left by suicide. I am so proud of you my beautiful son!!!








                    SURFING SURFING



You can now run free on the most beautiful beaches anywhere in the world and surf to your heart's content!!!




The Cord

We are connected My child and I,

By an invisible cord not seen by the eye

It's not like the cord that connects us till birth

This cord can't be seen by any on earth.

This cord does it's work right from the start.

It binds us together attached to my heart.

I know that it's there though no one can see,

The invisible cord from my child to me.

The strength of this cord is hard to describe.

It can't be destroyed, it can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord man could create,

It withstands the test can hold any weight.

And though you are gone, though you're not here with me,

The cord is still there but no one can see.

It pulls at my heart, I am bruised...I am sore

But this cord is my lifeline as never before.

I am thankful that God connects us this way.

A mother and child, death can't take it away!

~author unknown~



Emilesquilt0011.jpg Quilt of memories image by reamomofemile


Henriette made this quilt from pictures and clothes of  you Emile. Something special to remember my beautiful son by and keep me warm in winter.


Mytattoo002.jpg Tattoo in memory of Emile image by reamomofemile




Can you believe I finally had a tattoo? Just for you my sweet boy, I would never have gone thru that pain for any other reason!!!

A Note to Emile.
Hello Emile, you don’t know me,
I met your Mom when you became free.
I’ve seen your photos, and read your site,
Your Mom’s trying hard, with all her might.
She misses it all, good and bad,
She’s trying so hard to not be sad.
But when your heart is torn in two,
It’s hard to know just what to do.
She didn’t believe it, but she knew it was true,
She saw the proof, so yes, she knew.
The mind is one thing, the heart another,
She couldn’t believe you left your mother.
In time she knew that she wasn’t to blame,
But that changes nothing about hurts flames.
It licks and simmers at your heart,
Piercing flesh as though with a dart.
I don’t tell you this to hurt you more,
It’s just that she’s shaken to the core.
Her loss of you is so immense,
She has to find a new defence.
She has to guard against the fear,
The one that threatens all she holds dear.
She gets so scared that she did wrong,
That you didn’t feel as if you belonged.
I bet you’re thinking who is she?
And what has she got to do with me?
I’m just another Mum who grieves her child,
And knows what it’s like to feel that wild.
On your Memorial Day this year,
Please send a breeze for her to hear.
Her heart will soar with love and pride,
Because she’ll know you’re at her side.
For Rea, from Yvonne. xxxx
Laura's Mum.
My very own little Welsh Dragon.
 butterflies butterflies

Emile, You have been with me thru all this pain I went thru when you left me. You have guided me to places I needed to be and send people to me who I had to help thru this same pain and heartache. I feel your wonderful pure presence with me always. And your beautiful love filling me when I need you the most. You are my guardian angel and I know everything happens for a greater reason. If I didn’t experience this excruciating agony I would never have had the compassion to reach out to others in need of comfort. You have given me so many signs to show me you are beside me on this journey. I know you have fulfilled your destiny on earth and left to go home. In the process I grew like I never would have, have I not known you and loved you and lost you. Thank God for the years I had you as my son, and now as my spiritual companion. I love you as I have never loved another human being on this earth. I told you before you left how much I love you and I know that you know now it was the truth. You have all the answers to the questions you were seeking on earth. I love you so much my beautiful son and I will never forget you, you brought so much love into my life and enriched my life with your unconditional love. We will meet in person again the day it is my time to return home. In the meantime I will know you are with me by all the signs you always give me. I am so filled with joy knowing you are free from pain and suffering. Nothing can ever hurt you again. I love you forever and ever!!!!



               butterflies Butterflies
Two years since you left, I can't believe I have survived this long without you... I miss you so much my son... You are always in my heart and my thoughts... I hope you found the peace and rest you so desperately sought in life. I love you forever and a day...

6 Januarie 2011

Emile, dis nou al amper 5 jaar dat jy weg is en ek voel of ek gaan mal word van die hartseer en verlange. Een van die dae is jou engeldatum dan jou 26ste verjaarsdag. Ek wil dit nie meer doen nie, ek kan dit nie meer doen nie. Ek voel naar van verlange en hartseer oor jou. Die lewe is nie meer die moeite werd vir my nie. Niks is goed meer nie. Daar is niks oor vir my om voor te lewe nie.

Die helfte van my hart daar by jou is en die ander helfte wil nie meer hier wees sonder jou nie. Wat moet ek sonder jou doen Emile? Hoe kan ek aangaan sonder jou. Dis heeltemal ontmoontlik. Almal het gesê dat dit beter sal word, maar dit doen glad nie. Dit voel amper erger nou as in die begin. Waarvoor kan ek lewe, niks werk uit nie, alles voel so hopeloos. Ek weet nie meer hoe om gelukkig te wees nie, ek het heeltemal vergeet hoe dit voel.

Wat het daardie oproep na Daniel beteken Emile? Wat het my droom beteken? Dit word al hoe moeiliker vir my om te probeer om rede te vind om asem te haal. Niks voel meer goed nie, niks maak my opgewonde en vrolik nie. Ek wag vir jou om my te kom haal. Maak gou asseblief ek smeek jou. My hart verlang na jou, ek verlang om my arms om jou te vou en in jou oë te kyk en te sien dat jy lief is vir my. My siel roep om Vryheid van hierdie lewe. Ek wag geduldig Emile.




God could have stopped you

As you tied that rope around the limb in that tree,

By gently whispering,"It's not your time son".

Just willing you to put the rope away,

And face the challenge of another day.


But He knew that your spirit was sadly broken

Although the words had never been spoken.

He also knew that you were seeking His face

And the promise of life in a better place.


So as a tear rolled from His eye,

He whispered, "I'll just be standing by.

I will not encourage nor interfere,

Just feel My presence standing near.


For with all the miracles I can do,

I must leave this choice up to you.

If you feel that you just cannot go on,

I'll welcome you to your Heavenly home.


Though I would prefer that you could stay

To follow my life's plan for another day.

But I cannot promise all joy and wealth,

Or great happiness or robust health.

If you do not have the strength to carry on,

Maybe it is time to come to Heaven's home".


The  young man breathed a heavy sigh

And said, "I can no longer try".

Rope around his neck, he drew his last breath

And jumped to his death...

As he heard a soft voice…

Say "It's not My will son--but I accept your choice!


(Author Unknown)


Many people who have lost someone can attest that these things said by well-meaning people actually make us want to run away and never talk to them again. I didn’t know this before I lost my son but now unfortunately I do.

"Your loved one is in a better place. They don't have to suffer anymore."

The griever actually knows that their loved one isn't suffering anymore. But they are! And they would give anything to have them here with them, not anywhere else, better place or not!

"If you look around, there's always someone worse off."

Right now, the griever feels like there isn't anyone worse off than them. They have just lost a treasured loved one and can't imagine anything worse.

"Keep your chin up."

When all they want to do is wail, scream, cry, yell, swear, curse and rage, they do not want someone to tell them to just cut that all off and carry on.

"You had many wonderful years together. You're fortunate."

And they would give anything, make any bargain, trade anything to have more years. This loved one shouldn't have died. Their life may have really just begun.

"You're only given as much as you can handle."

Who made that one up? They want to tell you that you have no idea how much they have already handled and now it feels like they can't go another step.

"Remember, it's God's will."

They may want to tell you that they can't understand how God could cause them so much despair. And they may want you to understand that they cannot accept this horrible act as a caring God's will.

"Be thankful that you have other children at home."

They want to acknowledge their healthy children at home but also tell you that this child was as precious as the other children. No one will ever replace this child in their life.

"You can have other children."

They probably can't think about the next minute, never mind the future. Right now, they are in agony because their child died! They have no interest in anything else. And another child will never replace this child.

"Count your blessings."

In this state of mind they probably can't, in their wildest imagination, consider all this pain, anger, emptiness, frustration and fear a blessing. They want to have these feelings acknowledged and supported, not have to worry about your discomfort.

"You have to be strong for the children."

They may want to tell you that they can't be strong for themselves, never mind other people. And they may want to know who will support them as they feel themselves falling apart.

"I know just how you feel."

No, you don't! No one else can know how this terrible pain feels. Everyone's feelings are uniquely theirs. Acknowledge the feelings by naming them and listening to their story.

"Now you have to be the man/woman of the house."

Telling a child that they have to do something that they know they can't do is frightening, confusing and overwhelming for them. At any level, this phrase makes absolutely no sense.

This is not to point any fingers at anyone it is just to let people know what goes through the mind of someone who lost a loved one and how they suffer when in grief.

Rea de Miranda






Mike November 25, 2013
A Fathers Lamentation For His Son
Son, you did not die a coward.
You did not die a meaningless death.
You died fighting for your life.
You did all you could too survive.
You chose to battle the darkness on your own.
Young and wounded you fell.

You did not die alone and forgotten.
I was with you in spirit, I felt you fall.
Your life flowed through my hands along with my tears.

The mirror of life has been broken.
The reflection we can see, does not show,
What we can see with our naked eyes.

I know you now.
I fight for you now.
I suffer for you now.
I live for you now.
Rea mom of Emile July 30, 2013
Life is such a struggle without you Emile. It feels as if it was only yesterday that you left and some days it feels forever. I wish I could have you here with me now helping me and Marco make a success of our new life. When we struggle to survive all I can think about is if you were here it would have been so much easier to cope. It's so hard to live every day and feel lost and confused. We need you Emile and it hurts that you're not with us. I know it can never be and that makes me so mad sometimes. I want to scream and break something I'm so frustrated and sad. Marco and I are having a hard time right now and I sometimes just feel like giving up. You told me in that dream that I can do it but many times I feel that Ireally can't. I question everything all the time and I keep making wrong decisions and getting hurt. This is just so difficult for me Emile and I don't know how long I will be able to keep it up. I'm trying my best but it's not enough. My heart hurts tonight and I miss you so very very much. If only....
Patti Rawls March 27, 2010
Gid Bless Your Mom
I read the feelings your mom wrot on this beautiful memory site. You can feel the love she has for you. I too lost my son in a car accident at the age of 25(9/27/07) The pain a mom feels is unbearable at times but the love she hold in her heart is so fullfilling. The missing your smile and face brings tears but smiles too that you were a part of her as Dustin was of me. Happy Birthday in Heaven and I know the party is more amazing than any of us can imagine. Love and hugs to your mom! Patti
Rea mom of Emile March 27, 2010
Emile's 25th birthday

This morning exactly 25 years ago at 7.30am I gave birth to you my beautiful baby boy Emile. I was so scared that I wouldn’t know how to take care of you but everything came so natural to me, as if I always had you. You taught me every day how to love you and care for you. We were alone in the world, and you were so precious to me. For most of my pregnancy with you I cried because I didn’t want to have you all alone. But my lovely boy when I looked at you that first time I fell in love with you with all my heart and I never worried again about the marriage I left behind.

While I was revelling in my joy and love for you we didn’t have any idea that a few hours after your birth, 42 children would die when their school but was driven into the Westdene dam. For other parents that day became the day a piece of their hearts died forever. So today I don’t only celebrate your birthday but the loss of innocent children and their family’s heartaches today.

I know you would want me to remember those heartbroken parents today on your birthday. Twenty five years has gone past for them, but I know that today their hearts are aching just as much as mine. I am sure you have met all of them already, it was destined that you would, because your birth on that day was not a coincidence.

I love you so much Emile, you brought so much joy into my life and you taught me so much about myself and life. I will forever love and miss you my beautiful son, but I know you are at peace now and want me to live until the day comes that we will meet again. I am honoured you chose me to be your mommy. Thank you for loving me unconditionally always and you showed it to me in so many ways. That day you decide to end it all, my heart broke into little pieces. But is has mend over the past 4 years and I will treasure the sweet memories I have of you forever and ever.


Namaste and much Metta on this 25th earthly birthday for you!!

Debbie Habony January 17, 2008
Emile, Thanks for your Mom
Thank You for sharing your Mother with us! She is the glue that bonds us all togther. I know that you are so proud of her! She misses you so, yet she helps the rest of us to deal with our loss in such a special way. I know it's nothing you didn't already know about her, but I just want to Thank You for allowing her to share your with us. Give my Brian and Jen a huge hug! I suspect you are teaching them some things that they did not know, and visa versa.
Fly high kids! We love you beyond words!

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