Emile de Miranda

Just two days before Christmas in the wee morning hours my son committed suicide by a gunshot to his head. I was woken up from the phone ringing. It was my sons MIL. Now normally i never ever answer after 10pm. She did not tell me he shot himself. Just that it was very bad, its not good. She hung up the phone because emts and police arrived. 20 minnutes later his wife called, said he shot himself, he is dead! She repeated over and over " im sorry" "Im sorry"! I screamed into the phone no, no, no! My 2 grand babies woke up and asked what was wrong. I didnt know what to say. So i told them that their daddy hurt himself really bad and he died! I will never forget that early morning that shattered my whole world.  Unfortunately he and his wife were drinking all night. The bartender told my sister she saw them arguing and he was trying to hug and talk to her but she kept walking away from him. The drinking became a payday habit 4-5 months before he died. It didnt bother him to spend $1000 at the bar treating his so called friends. He often told me that she just wanted his money. He had a high paying job.  Early on in their courtship he fell in love with her daughter and raised her like his own. Later they had 2 children of their own. His wife is Bipolar and on numerous occasions his MIL had to rescue him from her as she was assaulting him. Several times she attempted to stab him with a knife, scissors, pencil. She threw things at him,  scratched him up pulled his hair and punched him. He never once hurt her or injure her. He was a very generous, caring, loving man. He always thought of others before himself. Very unselfish. Their real problems started in two years ago when she was having an affair then he caught, cl them in bed and she claimed she was passed out and the guy raped her. He believed her story and they moved away. He confided in me that she was calling a man she met at a sporting event out of town and also texting his friends and calling them. Not only was she texting them. She was also having an affair with one his friends brother. I am not saying her actions had alot to do with his suicide. Because ultimately it was his choice. In spring 2015 he was developing a relationship with another woman. His plan was to get a divorce and move in with the other woman. They were falling in love texting and calling each other daily. Eventually they slept together one night. he decided to break it off with her and keep the family intact. Less than a week later the woman claimed he raped her. And filed rape charges. So on the morning of Dec 22nd i received my last text message from my son saying he was going to come home for the weekend. At this time i was going through a rough patch, stress and depression over his situation and his brothers drug problem, his sisters ptsd. I was tearing my hair out caring for 2 out of control, unruly 7&8 year old boys. I still blame myself for not seeing the signs. I was so focused on my stress, and his siblings problems. I just thought okay he has a good job, paying his bills, going to work, its all good. I blame myself everyday for not calling him or texting back that day. I know he would have driven home if i had called or texted. He always came home when he said he was. Except this night. Everything was working against my attempts to call or text. My cell phone had barely 2 bars for service, then it died. My husbands cell phone was dead somewhere. The house phone was there but i could not, for the life of me remember his cell number.  I wanted so so much to call but it was like something stopped my attempts. One thing i always did and i never failed, was to call him or text him before he left town. On this evening i was so frustrated and in my frantic state, i took a pair of scissors and chopped my hair. In the native american tradition you just dont cut your hair in that way. I miss my baby boy so so much my heart breaks every day. I cry every day. I had 4 breakdowns, twice hospitalized. One for major depression and suicide. I take Zoloft, Welbutrin, Ativan and Trazadone every day just to cope with everyday living.  So three months after his death his wife has a new boyfriend and he is living with her in the home she shared with my son! Rumor has it they are going to marry. I am so hurt and devastated! She still claims she loves him and he was the love of her life. I cant hate her because she is the mother of my precious grand babies. I visit my sons grave each month on the 23rd day. 

It's been almost four weeks since my 22 year old son committed suicide in his apartment at 6:04 a.m. on April 15, 2016.   I have cried every day since and can't even begin to describe the emptiness that I feel.   He was a senior at VCU in Richmond, VA and was to graduate with a dual degree this Saturday.   Instead of him, it will be his younger sister that will walk across the stage and accept the diplomas on his behalf.  My son was bright, charming, sensitive and so many other things.   My heart is absolutely broken.    This is all so surreal that I still keep hoping I will wake up from this nightmare and he will be here.   I wish I would have known something was wrong, but he never gave any indication.   I am driving myself crazy trying to go back and see if I missed something, while at the same time reminding myself, it won't change anything.   He didn't leave a note, a clue, not one piece of evidence that would lead us to believe he would do this.   I don't know how I am going to get through the rest of my life with him not here.  But, I will get through life for my daughter and husband whom I love too.   My one wish at this point, is that my son has found some peace.  

I love you buddy ... forever.  Mom

P.S.  If you are in crisis and reading this, please reach out to someone for help.   It's not hopeless, your problems can be resolved with time. 

On August 3rd at 3:20am we lost our boy Dylan.  He hanged himself in our garage over issues with girls, fitting in and me being too hard on him.  My heart hurts so bad I just cant stand it.  I miss you Dylan you are so loved by us all. 



Mark

Martin was such a great son he had problem like evry one else  he moved in with me when he was 15 the hard thing i did was tough love he was smoke failing school we went round and round for 7 month till he finely gave in he went back to school graduated with his class got a great job he moved out at 24 when he got married after dont know what happen 

Rea,  I do understand!!!