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How do I live with my son's suicide?

                                                      

It was a lovely quiet Sunday morning, on 5 February 2006, when my life irrevocably changed in the blink of an eye. My husband and I were on our way to the shop when an emergency vehicle passed us with loud sirens and flashing lights.   In my ignorance I said to my husband I wonder who died now. In the meantime the vehicle was on its way to the scene where my son Emile, 20, hanged himself during the Saturday night or early Sunday morning in a weeping willow tree in a park near our house. I will never forget those words I uttered.   About a half an hour after we returned home children from the neighborhood called my youngest son to our gate. They informed him that a young man, who fit Emile’s description, committed suicide in the park. We quickly drove there. The area at the tree looked like a crime scene. Emergency and police vehicles and personnel were everywhere. The place where my son was lying was surrounded by police tape. I told the trauma officer I thought it could be my son. He led me to a body lying on the grass under the tree covered with an emergency blanket. I stood there looking at my son’s face in shock. It was like a dream, I could not believe my eyes. It couldn’t be true. I kept asking my husband if I was dreaming, it couldn’t be Emile lying there dead. Everything felt like a nightmare, the daylight was blinding and I heard a roaring noise in my head. The trauma officer spoke to us but I did not understand one word he was saying. We went home and I started phoning family and friends to tell them. Nobody believed me because I didn’t cry and told them in a matter of fact way that Emile hanged himself. The only thing that went around and around in my mind was: “It can’t be, it can’t be, my son can’t be dead. This is all a nightmare and I’m going to wake up any minute.” On the Sunday evening I returned to my senses and realized it was true. I never understood the meaning of keening, but that night I keened for hours and the weeks following Emile’s death.   It felt as if I was going insane. My thoughts were in disarray and I felt anxious the whole time. The next day we had to go to the mortuary to identify him. It was the most horrid experience I ever had to go through. I could not believe he was lying dead on that cold slab of cement. It didn’t look like my beautiful son. My heart was torn into pieces and I felt like dying of a broken heart! Every day was a nightmare. A part of me died with my son on that fateful day and I couldn’t function in a normal way.   I stayed in bed for weeks and all I could do was cry my heart out. Every night I was on the Internet for hours searching desperately for somewhere, where I could share this unbearable pain I was feeling. I phoned radio pulpit every day and told my story to Christian therapists over and over in the hope that someone could make it better for me. There was nothing in South Africa apart from The Compassionate Friends who helped me tremendously. There is no help for the unbearable pain a parent experience after the suicide of a child. Nobody out there understands what you are going through. There is nothing anybody can do or say to make you feel better. For months I ate almost nothing and didn’t cook or clean or did anything in the house. It felt as if I was all alone on earth. I couldn’t imagine a future without Emile. I couldn’t think properly or remember anything I did or said or what anybody else did or said. I didn’t remember anything that happened to me, I was on autopilot the whole time. The worst thing was that Emile didn’t leave a letter or anything to explain this to me. I searched everywhere like one possessed for anything that could explain why my son did this awful thing. I searched the area under the tree and in the tree for a clue. I scratched around in his clothes and searched every pocket and place for something to give me an idea why my son did this. The questions are still driving me insane. Why, what? What was wrong with my son I didn’t see? Was I so selfish and self centered I never realized there was something wrong with Emile?   I still blame myself that I didn’t realize what was going on in his mind, what he was planning. What did I do wrong in his life, where did I fail as a parent?

I look at other parents with big sons and I can’t believe that Emile isn’t here any more. I didn’t just lose a son to suicide, but a friend. The sorrow and despair is indescribable, and if you don’t find yourself it that situation, you can never imagine what parents go through. I started an e-mail support group for parents who lost their children called Loving Arms. We share our heartache and support each other with encouragement and understanding.

Nobody understands this hell and they don’t know what to say to you. People in their ignorance say all kinds of stupid things to a parent in this situation. They say things like: “Your son committed suicide and that means his soul will never find rest, you have another child live for him now, you need to get over it now and carry on with your life”. And it does nothing to change the destruction in your mind it just adds to the pain and heartache. On more than one occasion I just wanted to scream out at them: “please just leave me alone, you have no idea what you are talking about. My son is dead and I don’t know why.” I was on a suicide mission of my own for months and landed in hospital after I tried to overdose with tranquilizers.

Nobody can come through this pain without any help. It is an emotional roller coaster ride and you never know how you are going to feel in the next moment. One minute you are in this deep dark hole of despair, and the next you feel so angry that this abominable thing could’ve happened to you. Then there are days when you feel quite calm. On other days all you can do is cry uncontrollably and feel as if you will never ever be normal again. My perception of life changed completely, and things that were important in the past don’t mean anything any more.

charlotte October 25, 2015
 
Jerry
6 yes ago, I found our 26 yr old son hung in the shop he was helping his dad finish, our families life changed forever that February day. Our Jerry was a fun loving, never judge anyone kind of person. I blamed everyone from his ex wife, to old girl friend, husband,neighbors, God, myself most of all because I was the mother I was to know if something is happening with my child. It has been along road to get to where I am today, but with the help of God I have made it this far. No you never get over losing a child, as I just had to stand before one of my friends this week , as her 24 yr old son killed himself the same way. I,m a Christian ,& I know God gets me through each day.Don't blame yourself.
Sheila Miller October 20, 2015
 
Timothy
image Timothy
I am a mother of an only child, Timothy. Tryed for 12 years to have a baby. Mother's Day was worst for me I cried. All I want is a baby, God answered my prayers on July 12,1990. Beautiful as a baby inside and out. My son was my very best friend, I realized why I was born, it was my baby boy. He was different than other people, smart I. Q. 137, sensitive to a fault. No friends till 15 years old. I was so happy! He fell in love HARD they were engaged. But as as all these stories go something went terribly wrong. His father who I was divorced with, felt he was losing his son, began to be the cool dad.He began by smoking pot with him and his girlfriend, his stepmother had very strong drugs was giving him as much as he wanted, fastforward .... He became an addict My Son. I did everything imaginable  begging on bent knee to go to rehab I schulded. One day on another rehab day he came home and told me he could never go. Disappointed I was not nice, feeling defeated and scared for him, I told him my disappointment. My last memory I have of him was me placing my hand on his back to guide him out the door. He called me that night and said he was sorry for everything, I told him he has nothing to be sorry for, it was the past all I care about was his future. Next morning my husband called me and said Timothy was gone. All I remember is screaming to the top of my lungs, Timothy over and over than came no over and over. That was 9 months ago, today I was yelling to him to wake up because we have to see the therapist again.i broke down as if I was just told he was gone. The last 9 months.I cut all my long hair off and shaved the side of my head. I was diagnosed with cancer, I dont care about anything, my husband wants me to go back for treatment, I don't want to. All my friends I cut out of my life. I tryed to go outside and sit for the first time. I looked down at the cement and seen his tiny hand prints in the cement, that was it I ran inside and won't go out. I want to be with my best friend and son. And if someone can tell me why dose the world go on. Don't they know a beautiful person who had abilities to do good in this word is gone
Sheila Berczel 
Christina Russell October 18, 2015
 
My beautiful angel, JARED
Today has been 12 days since my beautiful, goofy, happy go lucky 24 yr old son, Jared, committed suicide. He stuck a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. It seems so unreal. I never would have thought he would have ever done this. He had a job that he loved and so so many friends that loved him so much. Apparently he had some thoughts that his girlfriend, who was out of town and partying, was cheating on him and he lost it. He went to work on Tuesday morning, Oct. 6, 2015, like every other morning then at 9:16 am he made a post on Facebook that he couldn't live in this world anymore. I along with many others sawn this post and called him, texted him, messaged him on fb but no reply. I saw that he was active online but he wouldn't answer my call or text, then his phone was off. Sometime after 10:30 am he went out to the side of the shop where he works and sat down by the railroad tracks and put a gun in his mouth and put the trigger. I live 3 hrs away and was frantically on my way to him but he was gone. I remember getting calls from the sheriff and coroner on the way. No I couldn't believe it. When I finally got to Carrollton, where he lived, it was too late. My baby boy was gone. They tried to talk me out of seeing him but I had to, he was my baby and just maybe they were wrong and it wasn't him. So I walked into where he was at the funeral home, and yes it was my baby. My heart died. Everyday I just wanna let go and be with him. I have 2 daughter that are such great kids but I feel like I let him down so maybe they are better off without me too. I just don't know how to live without him. I was 19 yrs old when I had him so we grew up together. I'm so broken and I just don't think I can do this without him.
Candace October 9, 2015
 
My World Stopped
On September 26, 2015 my boyfriend and I came home and found my daughter hung herself in the garage.  She suffered from depression for 7 years but I had no clue she was suicidal.  Since that night those images run through my head like a horror movie.  We tried to save her but it was too late.  She was gone before we got there.  These past 2 weeks have been empty.  I know I'm alive but I feel dead inside.  How can I live life without my daughter, my best friend?
Jogie Javier October 7, 2015
 
Don't dwell in the past
I know the pain is unbearable at times. Hang in there.  It'll get better. We will never be the same again. But life goes on. Stay Present. 
Joan Flowers October 6, 2015
 
So lost
My son took his life on March 28, 2015 at 33 years old.  As a teenager he made some bad decisions and couldn't seem to get past them.  As an adult he would go months without drinking and then go on a binge which usually ended up with him calling the police on himself saying he "wanted to hurt himself".  After 15+ years of this, several inpatient treatment programs (which he would walk away from), he met a wonderful girl, got married, settled down and had a beautiful son. I though he had made it out of the darkness. I know I tried everything I could to help him. He was a very compassionate person, loved people, was smart and very funny, but when the alcohol came in to play he became possessed, impulsive and unable to think rationally.  He turned in to something so surreal it was unbelieveable unless you saw it for yourself. My heart is broken.  I know I will never be the same. I have been to support groups and a private counselor.  My hope is that one day some of this will make sense to me.
Jamie October 3, 2015
 
my son took his life and part of me with
image on april 13th of 2015 one day before my 15 year olds birthday my son took his own life at 230pm the day before he was gonna turn 16. We struggled with depression and anxity for 3 1/2 years. Sooo many doctors, none could get him help. I'm so tired of hearing " until he hurts himself or somebody else there is nothing we can do for him" DAM those doctors!!! Well that day he cried for help no one there to hear him and he did try, but now the doctors cant help, he is gone. My wife found him at 4pm that dredded monday hanging from the banester of our second floor staircase, called 911 and then me. I work 15 mineutes away from home, I was the first to arrive before any police or ambulance. I lifted my son onto my shoulders and waited for what seemed like a life time for someone to cut the rope someone to help me if there was even a shred of a chance to save my boy. My wife was out side , alone , just a basket case , screaming and yelling at god and crying uncontrolably. when the first officer showed up he cut the rope and helped me bring my boy down to the dining room floor, I then started CPR on my child, blue cold and lifeless .....I already knew. I didnt stop until the police officers pulled me off and forced me to go out side to be with my wife, there were friends and family coming in by now left and right, so lost at this point not sure of anything. How Why and What went so wrong. Now we are trying to deal with how to get through this because we have no place else to live we cant afford to move or sell the house, and there are days when i wake up sometime wishing i didnt. I so lost now my feelings are numb and nothing in my life is the same, i dont know where tommorow will take me or if there will even be one. Some days I wish I were dead to be with him again, what now for me my wife and daughter, life is souch a blur even now almost 6 months later.
Frances Mecartty September 28, 2015
 
My daughter Nicole
Today is 2 months since my daughter, Nicky took her own life. She was 18 yrs old and it was one week after her birthday. She had just graduated high school one month before.  She was due to enter college in the fall.  I found her hanging from a room. It was the most horrific day of my life. She had suffered through two years going in and out of the crisis center for depression and anxiety.  She had made three previous attempts to take her life.  She didn't want to continue counselling nor take medication to ease the depression. She told me that she didn't want to continue living her life always feeling sad, hopeless, lonely. She said no one understood her, no one cared about her. Yes, we couldn't understand all that she was going through. But we cared for her, more that she will ever know.  She told me to respect her wishes to die because she will finally be at peace.  I have never experienced death so close to home. To see her lying hooked up to life saving machines during the 3 days in which she was at the hospital trying to see if the little life she had left will somehow resurface. We stood at her bedside, her family, friends, pastors, holding her hands, praying for her, wanting to see her slowly come alive. But, she never did.  She was pronounced legally dead three days later.  I couldn't believe it, my mind couldn't comprehend what was happening. I went through the process of arranging her funeral in a total daze, but with the tremendous help of family and friends.   I stared in total disbelief as she was taken to the funeral home to prepare for burial, after she had become and organ donor. This was probably the most important part of the burial process; becoming a donor. She saved 5 lives very shortly after.  The pain and anxiety that I have felt cannot be described. I live with a constant pain in my stomach. I can't sleep. I have become ill with shingles.   
I miss her. I miss her smile when she was in a good mood.  I know she is at peace with God. That's what my pastor told me. She chose to be with the Lord. That's my consolation. In the meantime, her younger sister suffers from the loss of her sister.  She is angry at her, she cannot understand how she could be so selfish and take her life leaving us in so much pain. There are so many questions: why? what could we have done? who is to blame? why do we feel so guilty? where is she? can she hear/see/feel  our pain?  when will we stop hurting?
My consolation is she is at peace. We too will find peace, eventually.  
Jim September 20, 2015
 
Molly May
image My 18-year-old beautiful daughter, Molly May, died of an accidental overdose of Klonpin and alocohol at college in December 2014. It was not suicide but she had been behaving recklessly and abusing substances for at least three years. In the year before her death, she told her mom and me, as well as doctors and law enforcement, that she had been sexually assaulted by an older acquaintance when she was 8. She had been diagnosed as bipolar with severe depression and PTSD. She voluntarily hospitalized herself once and was Baker Acted twice. And though all of that was horrible and rough, she somehow managed to delight all who met her. No joke. She was a genuine friend, gentle soul, who finished culinary school, befriended and fed the homeless, gave a poor teen friend who was a cold her sweaters, rescued animals, loved her family --  especially her nieces. She is so missed. The pain is beyond words. The gap in my life has no measure. Many days I have been unable to function. I still can't believe she is gone. I am having a really hard time doing anything. Just brushing my teeth can be hard. My wife compartmentalizes the pain better than I do, then falls apart when she opens that door. She is in such sorrow. Our other daughters lost their younger sister and lifelong playmate. They both struggle so much to move on, even nine months later. In many ways, it is harder now. My wife and I are celebrating our 30th anniversary. Every family occasion or holiday brings extra pain, as well as some joy In remembering our baby girl. On my birthday in June, I finally started sorting through Molly's things and found a box of Christmas presents with gifts and cards for everyone she loved. She had been looking forward to coming home in a few days to be reunited with everyone. A week before she died, she made a special picnic for her mom and me. We also had a fancy Thanksgiving meal by her college. It was so wonderful to be with her. It is her spirit of love and joy, despite her own pain and turmoil, that has helped keep me alive so far. I mean, there have been moments where I thought I would die. This forum is full of parents and others who have loved and lost so much more than we ever knew was possible. I have all of you in my thoughts today. May we find comfort.
Lorraine September 15, 2015
 
Miss her
I to lost my beautiful daughter she was 19 she should be having fun going out but her boyfriend was treating her like crap and she couldn't do it anymore I miss her so much I can't get her out of my head our family has been ripped apart my beautiful lanny miss u so so much 

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