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How do I live with my son's suicide?

                                                      

It was a lovely quiet Sunday morning, on 5 February 2006, when my life irrevocably changed in the blink of an eye. My husband and I were on our way to the shop when an emergency vehicle passed us with loud sirens and flashing lights.   In my ignorance I said to my husband I wonder who died now. In the meantime the vehicle was on its way to the scene where my son Emile, 20, hanged himself during the Saturday night or early Sunday morning in a weeping willow tree in a park near our house. I will never forget those words I uttered.   About a half an hour after we returned home children from the neighborhood called my youngest son to our gate. They informed him that a young man, who fit Emile’s description, committed suicide in the park. We quickly drove there. The area at the tree looked like a crime scene. Emergency and police vehicles and personnel were everywhere. The place where my son was lying was surrounded by police tape. I told the trauma officer I thought it could be my son. He led me to a body lying on the grass under the tree covered with an emergency blanket. I stood there looking at my son’s face in shock. It was like a dream, I could not believe my eyes. It couldn’t be true. I kept asking my husband if I was dreaming, it couldn’t be Emile lying there dead. Everything felt like a nightmare, the daylight was blinding and I heard a roaring noise in my head. The trauma officer spoke to us but I did not understand one word he was saying. We went home and I started phoning family and friends to tell them. Nobody believed me because I didn’t cry and told them in a matter of fact way that Emile hanged himself. The only thing that went around and around in my mind was: “It can’t be, it can’t be, my son can’t be dead. This is all a nightmare and I’m going to wake up any minute.” On the Sunday evening I returned to my senses and realized it was true. I never understood the meaning of keening, but that night I keened for hours and the weeks following Emile’s death.   It felt as if I was going insane. My thoughts were in disarray and I felt anxious the whole time. The next day we had to go to the mortuary to identify him. It was the most horrid experience I ever had to go through. I could not believe he was lying dead on that cold slab of cement. It didn’t look like my beautiful son. My heart was torn into pieces and I felt like dying of a broken heart! Every day was a nightmare. A part of me died with my son on that fateful day and I couldn’t function in a normal way.   I stayed in bed for weeks and all I could do was cry my heart out. Every night I was on the Internet for hours searching desperately for somewhere, where I could share this unbearable pain I was feeling. I phoned radio pulpit every day and told my story to Christian therapists over and over in the hope that someone could make it better for me. There was nothing in South Africa apart from The Compassionate Friends who helped me tremendously. There is no help for the unbearable pain a parent experience after the suicide of a child. Nobody out there understands what you are going through. There is nothing anybody can do or say to make you feel better. For months I ate almost nothing and didn’t cook or clean or did anything in the house. It felt as if I was all alone on earth. I couldn’t imagine a future without Emile. I couldn’t think properly or remember anything I did or said or what anybody else did or said. I didn’t remember anything that happened to me, I was on autopilot the whole time. The worst thing was that Emile didn’t leave a letter or anything to explain this to me. I searched everywhere like one possessed for anything that could explain why my son did this awful thing. I searched the area under the tree and in the tree for a clue. I scratched around in his clothes and searched every pocket and place for something to give me an idea why my son did this. The questions are still driving me insane. Why, what? What was wrong with my son I didn’t see? Was I so selfish and self centered I never realized there was something wrong with Emile?   I still blame myself that I didn’t realize what was going on in his mind, what he was planning. What did I do wrong in his life, where did I fail as a parent?

I look at other parents with big sons and I can’t believe that Emile isn’t here any more. I didn’t just lose a son to suicide, but a friend. The sorrow and despair is indescribable, and if you don’t find yourself it that situation, you can never imagine what parents go through. I started an e-mail support group for parents who lost their children called Loving Arms. We share our heartache and support each other with encouragement and understanding.

Nobody understands this hell and they don’t know what to say to you. People in their ignorance say all kinds of stupid things to a parent in this situation. They say things like: “Your son committed suicide and that means his soul will never find rest, you have another child live for him now, you need to get over it now and carry on with your life”. And it does nothing to change the destruction in your mind it just adds to the pain and heartache. On more than one occasion I just wanted to scream out at them: “please just leave me alone, you have no idea what you are talking about. My son is dead and I don’t know why.” I was on a suicide mission of my own for months and landed in hospital after I tried to overdose with tranquilizers.

Nobody can come through this pain without any help. It is an emotional roller coaster ride and you never know how you are going to feel in the next moment. One minute you are in this deep dark hole of despair, and the next you feel so angry that this abominable thing could’ve happened to you. Then there are days when you feel quite calm. On other days all you can do is cry uncontrollably and feel as if you will never ever be normal again. My perception of life changed completely, and things that were important in the past don’t mean anything any more.

Anna Mae March 9, 2016
 
he would have turned 22 today...
My son would have turned 22 today.  In the early morning hours of Dec 13, 2015, he chose to end his life on his terms.  It was violent, abrupt and I am still devastated.  He was often so much wiser than me, and funny - he was my pal - we laughed and talked daily.  I noticed he seemed calmer in the week before and I specifically asked him about suicide as his father had taken his own life, too.  My son smiled and assured me all was fine.  I really thought we were ok.  Now, I am just wishing I could cease to exist.  Even during the times when I can accept that maybe there was nothing I could have done differently, I still miss him so much.  I keep talking to him in my head and actually reaching out my hand to touch him.  And he will never be here again....
Nanci O'Dell March 5, 2016
 
My musical Angel is gone
My son, my sweet and shining light  hung himself in August 2015 alone.. and not found for over 36 hours of hot summer heat.. No warning.. Always about making people around him happy.. always with dreams of his own.. His sweet smile and gentle ways I will miss forever.. Sometimes there is no warning until you find out he is missing and then get a visit at 2:00 in the morning by the Chaplain and 2 police officers to give the worst possible news they can possibly bring.. That your sweet baby boy is gone forever.. Found by the best friends of his life and older brother left behind.. There are no words for any of us living through this tragedy except to be there for the others left behind and struggling every day
Ashley Weidlich February 25, 2016
 
My son hanged himslef
My 17 year old son hanged himslef last nigth. He was so smart, funny and beautiful. I don't know how to go on.
 
Lori Harris February 25, 2016
 
Scotty Bigelow aka Superman
My 34 yrs. Old son Scotty suffered from borderline personality disorder & he was only diagnosed at the age of 29 yrs. Old he struggled through life, he suffered chronic depression & every prescription they gave him since the age of 4 he was hating life & doing all he could to kill himself.  I found him dead in his bed, he blew out his beautiful heart with a 12 Guage shotgun ! A part of me died in that room with him that day! That was on December 17th,  2013 & I relive it everyday with all the flashbacks from that day. I suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & I'm missing him everyday & I cry in the morning upon waking up & I cry myself to sleep I hate that those around me think they know what I'm going through but they don't understand because they'very never lost a child & especially to suicide! I'm lost, dazed & I can't think of anything other than him. Thank you for sharing your story & for letting me share a bit of mine!

Just know that by our children leaving they weren't leaving us they were leaving behind all that was hurting them both  mentally & emotionally!  They're still with us I know I still feel my son!
Rose North February 23, 2016
 
Condolences to every parent
I honestly found this part of the internet while researching for our anti-bullycide campaign (Bullies Are The Cowards Of The World) but enough about that...

I want to send comfort and best wishes to EVERYONE who has commented here.  I am not yet a parent but feel like parents who have lost their children in their lifetime have the hardest pain to bear.  I wish comfort for those who have had to cope for years or who have recently started on the painful road of loss.  There is no timeline when grieving a lost loved one - let no one tell you or even hint at when you "have to stop" grieving.
Doranda Coffey February 23, 2016
 
My son Justin Coffey
image My son Justin the second oldest 24 yrs old out my four boys whom I raised all by my self That night of Jan-29-2016
Justin had rented a truck he was moving from so.cali to Az to come work and live by me.. I let my guard down when I heard he had rented the truck I told him get some rest head out tomorrow he was at my oldest house when he was argueing with his girl my oldest son went in side his house for a moment when his girl friend came running in he shot his self ! My oldest Robert went out to help   Robert  did resiitated my son Justin. I am a miner and where I live at the mine very poor phone service so They tryed calling but my phone died from searching and I went to bed.. I was not allowed to have a phone at work so I left it charging so when I got home I could call and see were he was by driving down the road a bit as soon as I got one bar I had a alarming amount of calls text saying call the hospital .. Others Justin did something stupid.. I blame my self for just not going and getting him .. I knew he way bothered but know that if I was to get him here by me he'd be alright.. I have so many emotions and if I didn't have three other children i would of took my life Justin always felt so alone.. His dad walking out and never coming home was his first memory.. I can't help but blame my self and I'm suppose to go back to work but I can't eat or sleep well what will I do with out my Justin Blade Coffey12-21-91 Feb 01-2016 Justin was a donor so I'm hoping it wasn't all a waste other than the all most love I have for him he treated me the best out of all my son what I'm I to do I'm dieing inside don't care about much help!
D. Litty February 21, 2016
 
My 30 yr old son.
image my 30 yr old son committed suicide on jan. 30th 2016. My husband and i didn't find him but i remember the phone call. You never imagine your child doing this. He was dating this girl and i guess they had a fight. He took pics (they found on his phone) of him with the noose around his neck. She did nothing. He killed himself. Leaving 2 little boy with out a father. 
Katrina Butts February 16, 2016
 
Anthony My Beloved Son
Every day since April 24, 2015 feels like a prison on this earth for me. I wish my days away and look forward to the years passing not quickly enough so I can hold him again. I fould him in an open field with a gunshot wound in his head. He lay there so still but just a beautiful and perfect as they day I gave birth to him aside the dreadful bullett wound, Anthony was 18. Graduated from high just the year before. Bright, handsome, funny, loving, everything a mother could want and more in any child. It has been nine months and my struggle continues. People mean well with concerns however have no understanding the loss of losing a child to suicide. The guilt is awful, the understanding but not understanding. I miss him so very much.
thingsfallapart February 15, 2016
 
Breathing.
Im so honored to read about your children. I can't imagine. I wish I could ease your pain, even for a moment.

My own 22 year old son has attempted suicide 5 times in the past year and a half. Obviously he's hurting. I don't know how to help him. He's in therapy now. It's pretty much shattered my ability to concentrate. Ive been pretty desperate to regain my ability to focus and sleep. Started intensive EMDR therapy. I'm getting some relief. 
Bobbi Long February 14, 2016
 
dieing inside
image My son Kyle died on April 6th 2015 the day after Easter he was 19 and my only son.    I live in utah and my mother that is razing my three nephews lives in oregon kyle and his cousins were all one year apart and we're best friends growing we lived 10 minutes apart Kyle came to me in January 2015 telling me that he wanted to move in with my mom and the boys telling me that he just couldn't live in utah any more he hated it and had every sense we moved here in 2007 we had a really long talk lots of crying and my son told me that he put a gun in his mouth said that he just needed to get out of utah and being with family and his best friends would be the best thing for him I told him that I loved him and that I could never live without in my life so with in a week I took him to live with my mom that was January 24th that was the last time I ever huge my son, I told my mom what kyle mad me talked about in the car and asked her to keep a eye on him I talked to my mom everyday and to my son almost everyday he seemed happier she even said that his whole attitude was just so good and he was the happiest he had been in a long time.    I called my mom at 9 in the morning  her time on that day and I heard kyle ask her who she was talking to she told him it was me and he said that he wanted to talk to me I told him I was surprised that he was up so earily we talked for about 20 munits and had said that he was going to go for a bike ride then the very last thing he said was ( the suns out and I have to go it's sunny outside And I just got to go I love you ) that was the last thing that my son said to me and with in the hr he had road his bike to the river  and hung himself in the tree.  My son left a long 4 page note it left me with no answered just more questions but the last thing on that note was the last thing he said to me THE SUNS OUT AND I GOT TO GO.  A week after kyle died I was in the hospital with my 14 year old who tryed to kill her self so she could be with her brother her best friend and the only person in the world who was going through the same depression that she is and the only one that truly understood her in her eyes she thinks no one elce understands the pain of depression.   I'm dying in side and have no one to turn to I can't cry at home because  it hurts my daughter to much and I have to walk around faking being happy because my husband told me he couldn't Handel being around me with my depression of loosing my son and that it's time to move on well I can't more on that was my little boy I'm so lost this picture is my son and my daughter together god I love them bolth

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