How do I live with my son's suicide?
It was a lovely quiet Sunday morning, on 5 February 2006, when my life irrevocably changed in the blink of an eye. My husband and I were on our way to the shop when an emergency vehicle passed us with loud sirens and flashing lights. In my ignorance I said to my husband I wonder who died now. In the meantime the vehicle was on its way to the scene where my son Emile, 20, hanged himself during the Saturday night or early Sunday morning in a weeping willow tree in a park near our house. I will never forget those words I uttered. About a half an hour after we returned home children from the neighborhood called my youngest son to our gate. They informed him that a young man, who fit Emile’s description, committed suicide in the park. We quickly drove there. The area at the tree looked like a crime scene. Emergency and police vehicles and personnel were everywhere. The place where my son was lying was surrounded by police tape. I told the trauma officer I thought it could be my son. He led me to a body lying on the grass under the tree covered with an emergency blanket. I stood there looking at my son’s face in shock. It was like a dream, I could not believe my eyes. It couldn’t be true. I kept asking my husband if I was dreaming, it couldn’t be Emile lying there dead. Everything felt like a nightmare, the daylight was blinding and I heard a roaring noise in my head. The trauma officer spoke to us but I did not understand one word he was saying. We went home and I started phoning family and friends to tell them. Nobody believed me because I didn’t cry and told them in a matter of fact way that Emile hanged himself. The only thing that went around and around in my mind was: “It can’t be, it can’t be, my son can’t be dead. This is all a nightmare and I’m going to wake up any minute.” On the Sunday evening I returned to my senses and realized it was true. I never understood the meaning of keening, but that night I keened for hours and the weeks following Emile’s death. It felt as if I was going insane. My thoughts were in disarray and I felt anxious the whole time. The next day we had to go to the mortuary to identify him. It was the most horrid experience I ever had to go through. I could not believe he was lying dead on that cold slab of cement. It didn’t look like my beautiful son. My heart was torn into pieces and I felt like dying of a broken heart! Every day was a nightmare. A part of me died with my son on that fateful day and I couldn’t function in a normal way. I stayed in bed for weeks and all I could do was cry my heart out. Every night I was on the Internet for hours searching desperately for somewhere, where I could share this unbearable pain I was feeling. I phoned radio pulpit every day and told my story to Christian therapists over and over in the hope that someone could make it better for me. There was nothing in South Africa apart from The Compassionate Friends who helped me tremendously. There is no help for the unbearable pain a parent experience after the suicide of a child. Nobody out there understands what you are going through. There is nothing anybody can do or say to make you feel better. For months I ate almost nothing and didn’t cook or clean or did anything in the house. It felt as if I was all alone on earth. I couldn’t imagine a future without Emile. I couldn’t think properly or remember anything I did or said or what anybody else did or said. I didn’t remember anything that happened to me, I was on autopilot the whole time. The worst thing was that Emile didn’t leave a letter or anything to explain this to me. I searched everywhere like one possessed for anything that could explain why my son did this awful thing. I searched the area under the tree and in the tree for a clue. I scratched around in his clothes and searched every pocket and place for something to give me an idea why my son did this. The questions are still driving me insane. Why, what? What was wrong with my son I didn’t see? Was I so selfish and self centered I never realized there was something wrong with Emile? I still blame myself that I didn’t realize what was going on in his mind, what he was planning. What did I do wrong in his life, where did I fail as a parent?
I look at other parents with big sons and I can’t believe that Emile isn’t here any more. I didn’t just lose a son to suicide, but a friend. The sorrow and despair is indescribable, and if you don’t find yourself it that situation, you can never imagine what parents go through. I started an e-mail support group for parents who lost their children called Loving Arms. We share our heartache and support each other with encouragement and understanding.
Nobody understands this hell and they don’t know what to say to you. People in their ignorance say all kinds of stupid things to a parent in this situation. They say things like: “Your son committed suicide and that means his soul will never find rest, you have another child live for him now, you need to get over it now and carry on with your life”. And it does nothing to change the destruction in your mind it just adds to the pain and heartache. On more than one occasion I just wanted to scream out at them: “please just leave me alone, you have no idea what you are talking about. My son is dead and I don’t know why.” I was on a suicide mission of my own for months and landed in hospital after I tried to overdose with tranquilizers.
Nobody can come through this pain without any help. It is an emotional roller coaster ride and you never know how you are going to feel in the next moment. One minute you are in this deep dark hole of despair, and the next you feel so angry that this abominable thing could’ve happened to you. Then there are days when you feel quite calm. On other days all you can do is cry uncontrollably and feel as if you will never ever be normal again. My perception of life changed completely, and things that were important in the past don’t mean anything any more.
My baby
As i.lay here looking at my daughter kiera in this hospital i am angry..sbe hung herself on fri 10th 2016 and i dont know what to do
Why Why Why
My beautiful son Justyn took his life almost three years ago. We had no idea and yet we thought we were a lose family. My husband and I have seven children and we're constantly doing things together We went on an annual snow holiday each year as well as beach trips and getting together for celebrations.There was no note for which I'm thankful , to me this shows he wasn't thinking or he couldn't have shattered our lives this way. He drank to excess and had a high level of alchoHol in his body when he died.Our pastors said to me that night You won't ever get over this. How wise he was. I don't want to go on but I must somehow support my precious husband and remaining six children and grandchildren. Life is over for me.
Jody
My. Dearest boy hung himself the day before his 36th birthday, April 23, 2016. How can I live without him and with so much pain. I feel so alone in a sea of pain. I want to hold him one more time. I want to hear his voice, I want to look into his beautiful brown eyes . God please take me home, I want to be with my baby boy.Nothing has meaning. Nothing matters. Is this how he felt? Lost alone and hurting? I don't want to feel better, I don't want to smile, or laugh. Jody I love you, I miss you.
Missing you so terribly Stu
It is going on to 5 years now since we lost my son Stuart. A grandson, a brother, a cousin, now an uncle - now just a memory that we keep every day. He was 27, left no note. He hung himself but was left alive long enough for me to say "good-bye" to a warm body before saying "OK" to take him off life support.
Such pain should not exist. I lay on the floor with my daughter for hours - both of us sobbing - these things can never leave us.
I too am so willing to prevent this happenig to other families/parents.
We who have experienced this first hand - my whole heart aches for you all.For those that are hearing that black dog of depression - shut that thieving mongrel up and move away from it - it has a crushing, crushing impact on the ones that you love most. The ones that know, more than you, so very, very well, of how good that you really are. Together, the gang of freinds and family can beat absolutely anything for you.
Some comfort can be won if we do our total best to find a way to actively prevent this pain for other families.
Love to each of you, especially those of us that are left behind...
Mark.
Vishan my son
my son is gone the pain i can't handle, i dont know how to deal with my inner feelings my granddaughter reminds me of my son . The 5/05/2016 turned my whole life around .Vishan my son i pray god gives me the strenght to go on. to many question no answers. who and what is responsible what u did my son .My life will never be the same to much hurt. u had so much to live for only god knows why my son . LOVE U ALWAYS AND FOREVER .
how do we make it
It has been five days since my son, my friend, hung himself after another night of drugs and drinking. We tried to get him help for years but he loved the highs more than he loved anything else. If anyone out ther is considering doing this - PLEASE reconsider what you doing to your loved ones is the most horrific pain that can you impose. Things will get better, you will grow up and life will become clearer.
I would give up everything I have for one more minute with my sweet son to try and convince him that love is enough and he was so loved. I used to beleive that if you loved someone with your heart and gave them all that love uncondtionilly it would enough to overcome. Is that not what everyone is looking for? Please if you are reading this - get help - what you are going to do to your family is condem them to a lifetime of hell. I can not imagine anything worse then this. To know my only son thought so little of himself and us that hung himself in a dirty closet far from home- all alone and lost. I know I will never be happy again- I may smile for others, but this pain has stolen the rest of everything -- Please if you are reading this do not do this - it is an implusive moment for you - but a lifetime of hell on earth for those left behind.
May God help us all
Wanting Answers
My son killed himself on March 29, with a rifle to his mouth. He lived in Portland, Oregon. I live in Ca.We had a great relationship. He was quiet about a lot of things, as most young people are. He was 36, with a new job to look forward to. He had a tremendous amount of friends, both in Oregon and Ca. I met with some of his high school friends the Sat. after for a little memorial. It was bitter sweet for me because he should have been there. I have so many questions, and don't know where to turn. I have a wonderful man in my life that told me I will probably never get the answers I want. I have an empty feeling now, and even writing this, I can feel my body getting nervous. I love hockey, and have tried to watch some, but I always hear my Ryan's voice. One of his friends told me she dreams about him. I always hear his voice. I don't understand, and still can't process why.
better days
I guess I'm one of the lucky ones as I know there is nothing I could have changed. I've been through all the emotional rollercoasters and well if I'm writing on here it's to tell anyone who is so troubled and hurt that they know they will kill themselves to PLEASE leave a note.
Let those you love know that you loved them. Give some reasons so the one's left are not continually asking why. I'm so grateful my son left us a letter.....
I've concluded that when someone decides to end their life; nothing and nobody can save them!
My son left me on his 26th birthday. That's what the policeman told me. "Your son has decided to leave you."
I call this life's cruelest act. My son asked that I not be sorry or sad in the note he left us.
Well it's easier said than done but I'm trying inbetween taking out the sledgehammer which has brutally cut through my heart.
Deep down I truly believe he is happy and at peace now. Luckily I have a strong faith and that is helping me. God took him to a better place. He took back his angel. Some days I'm ok and others it's ....it's so weird. He's here but he isn't.
Life just suddenly comes to a halt. All those things which dominated your thoughts no longer matter. All the important things you had to do are put on hold....nothing else really matters.
I started to say I'm one of the lucky ones. Yes, I'm lucky that the day my son "decided to leave me" was a special day. He looked so beautiful. He gave me a beautiful smile and a big hug before he left. At the time I didn't know it would be the last time I would see him alive. When I saw him lying in his coffin what surprised me was that he still looked beautiful.... and at peace. How is that possible? I guess he was finally in a better place. It was his selfless act which has hurt so many who love him.
You spend 9 months taking care of the baby growing in your stomach. Watching him grow and trying to keep him safe and healthy; only for him to go and hang himself because he doesn't love himself as much as you hoped he would.
I'm not bitter. I'm not angry now. I just miss him....I miss him. x
Andrew Clarke
It has been 8 years since my then 17 year old son Andrew committed suicide. Andrew was a thoughtful, athletic and well rounded person. He called me and his mother separately at 4 Am on January 7th 2008 to say good bye and then drove his car into a stone wall and killed himself. I am writing this to Dangling Somewher in between. I iknow deep in my head and heart that my son Andrew would never hurt anyone on purpose....but on that morning he did. His older brother and younder sister as well as me and his mom have struggled since his death. His brother and ister almost didn;t make and i still worry about them today.
Dear Dangling Somewhere in between, you may not realize it but your death will impact those around you in such a negative way that you probably can't comprehend. Andrew's close friends and his family have more than struggled. I blame myself and i have been miserable for most of the time since his death. Every day i wish it were me instead of him, but that just isn't going to change. Please remember that you are loved and needed more than you will ever realize. As i write this i am at work and tears are running down my face. It pains me to see the pain and internal torment that you and my son must be feeling. I have prayed and meditated and tried everything to "get over his death." I will never get over his death, but i will learn to deal with it. PLEASE DAngling Somewhere in Between make sure that those around you know what you are going through and they will help you. Most of all talk to a professional. I know you don't want to crush those around you. I have never met you but would drop everything if i thought i could help you or others who feel hopeless.
My son Andrew only lives in my heart now and i miss him more than anyone can ever realize.
MARC 20 March 1994-27 December 2015
Our youngest and only son Marc 21 was hijacked, abducted and kept hostage for 12 hours on the 20th of December 2016. We will never know what these thugs did to Marc or made him do. We took him for Trauma Counseling the next day thinking it is the right thing to do. He was prescribed Anti-depresants and we questioned the phycologist telling her we are not happy about it but she muddled our brains with all the medical jargon as to why he needs it etc etc
I was so happy to have my son back after the hijacking.
A week later our son was dead
He was a bright spiritual young man who was to start working as a Mechanical Engineer on the 11th of January 2016, loved by all his friends, sensitive, body boarding and loved animals.
The
27th of December 2015 our lifes were changed forever. We went to visit my folks. Marc hung up the washing for me, discussed results of soccer matches with his dad and played with his niece that morning. He wanted to stay home and we were not aware or given any indication that we have to watch him 24/7
At 5:08pm I sent him a message "
we are almost home my boy" A message he never read.
We got home and could not find him in the house. I went to the back of the house and when I came aroung the corner I saw my husband walking towards the interleading garage door. Our worst nightmare came true. Marc hung himself from a beam in the garage with his feet touching the ground. He paused a program three quarter into it on his PC and left no note.
I am on autopilot and spent all my days and evenings in Marc's room. I apear to be strong and have to for my husband and 26 year old daughter but inside I am torn apart and ache from head to toe.
We are trying to find a 'NEW NORMAL' but we will never stop missing our son, Marc Bithell
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