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How do I live with my son's suicide?

                                                      

It was a lovely quiet Sunday morning, on 5 February 2006, when my life irrevocably changed in the blink of an eye. My husband and I were on our way to the shop when an emergency vehicle passed us with loud sirens and flashing lights.   In my ignorance I said to my husband I wonder who died now. In the meantime the vehicle was on its way to the scene where my son Emile, 20, hanged himself during the Saturday night or early Sunday morning in a weeping willow tree in a park near our house. I will never forget those words I uttered.   About a half an hour after we returned home children from the neighborhood called my youngest son to our gate. They informed him that a young man, who fit Emile’s description, committed suicide in the park. We quickly drove there. The area at the tree looked like a crime scene. Emergency and police vehicles and personnel were everywhere. The place where my son was lying was surrounded by police tape. I told the trauma officer I thought it could be my son. He led me to a body lying on the grass under the tree covered with an emergency blanket. I stood there looking at my son’s face in shock. It was like a dream, I could not believe my eyes. It couldn’t be true. I kept asking my husband if I was dreaming, it couldn’t be Emile lying there dead. Everything felt like a nightmare, the daylight was blinding and I heard a roaring noise in my head. The trauma officer spoke to us but I did not understand one word he was saying. We went home and I started phoning family and friends to tell them. Nobody believed me because I didn’t cry and told them in a matter of fact way that Emile hanged himself. The only thing that went around and around in my mind was: “It can’t be, it can’t be, my son can’t be dead. This is all a nightmare and I’m going to wake up any minute.” On the Sunday evening I returned to my senses and realized it was true. I never understood the meaning of keening, but that night I keened for hours and the weeks following Emile’s death.   It felt as if I was going insane. My thoughts were in disarray and I felt anxious the whole time. The next day we had to go to the mortuary to identify him. It was the most horrid experience I ever had to go through. I could not believe he was lying dead on that cold slab of cement. It didn’t look like my beautiful son. My heart was torn into pieces and I felt like dying of a broken heart! Every day was a nightmare. A part of me died with my son on that fateful day and I couldn’t function in a normal way.   I stayed in bed for weeks and all I could do was cry my heart out. Every night I was on the Internet for hours searching desperately for somewhere, where I could share this unbearable pain I was feeling. I phoned radio pulpit every day and told my story to Christian therapists over and over in the hope that someone could make it better for me. There was nothing in South Africa apart from The Compassionate Friends who helped me tremendously. There is no help for the unbearable pain a parent experience after the suicide of a child. Nobody out there understands what you are going through. There is nothing anybody can do or say to make you feel better. For months I ate almost nothing and didn’t cook or clean or did anything in the house. It felt as if I was all alone on earth. I couldn’t imagine a future without Emile. I couldn’t think properly or remember anything I did or said or what anybody else did or said. I didn’t remember anything that happened to me, I was on autopilot the whole time. The worst thing was that Emile didn’t leave a letter or anything to explain this to me. I searched everywhere like one possessed for anything that could explain why my son did this awful thing. I searched the area under the tree and in the tree for a clue. I scratched around in his clothes and searched every pocket and place for something to give me an idea why my son did this. The questions are still driving me insane. Why, what? What was wrong with my son I didn’t see? Was I so selfish and self centered I never realized there was something wrong with Emile?   I still blame myself that I didn’t realize what was going on in his mind, what he was planning. What did I do wrong in his life, where did I fail as a parent?

I look at other parents with big sons and I can’t believe that Emile isn’t here any more. I didn’t just lose a son to suicide, but a friend. The sorrow and despair is indescribable, and if you don’t find yourself it that situation, you can never imagine what parents go through. I started an e-mail support group for parents who lost their children called Loving Arms. We share our heartache and support each other with encouragement and understanding.

Nobody understands this hell and they don’t know what to say to you. People in their ignorance say all kinds of stupid things to a parent in this situation. They say things like: “Your son committed suicide and that means his soul will never find rest, you have another child live for him now, you need to get over it now and carry on with your life”. And it does nothing to change the destruction in your mind it just adds to the pain and heartache. On more than one occasion I just wanted to scream out at them: “please just leave me alone, you have no idea what you are talking about. My son is dead and I don’t know why.” I was on a suicide mission of my own for months and landed in hospital after I tried to overdose with tranquilizers.

Nobody can come through this pain without any help. It is an emotional roller coaster ride and you never know how you are going to feel in the next moment. One minute you are in this deep dark hole of despair, and the next you feel so angry that this abominable thing could’ve happened to you. Then there are days when you feel quite calm. On other days all you can do is cry uncontrollably and feel as if you will never ever be normal again. My perception of life changed completely, and things that were important in the past don’t mean anything any more.

Jan June 12, 2015
 
Liam
image I lost my beautiful boy 8 months ago and to this day I don't know why he did this. 
Every day is a struggle for me, every day I cry, every day I hurt so bad, and hope that tomorrow it will be better but it never is.
He was 30 years old and I had been speaking to him 2 days previous and he was fine, I was on my way round to see him as the police were on there way to see me, when I arrived at his house I saw the special ambulance there but thought nothing of it , until I reached the front door and the police stopped me. I pushed my way through the door and oh my god, no my darling baby boy was lying dead on the floor, how am I ever going to get over this. Never never never.
Ramona May 31, 2015
 
We all blame ourselves

It has been two years since my son took his life.  Our family has seen it's share of suicide with the loss of my children's father also taking his life.  Knowing the devastation of suicide, my heart goes out to everyone who suffers from losing a loved one.  There are days when I cry at everything, wonder what I could have done to prevent his decision, blame myself for not knowing how much pain he must have been in, and think it must all be a nightmare. Somebody wake me up.  People tell me it gets easier with time. Not a day goes by that's easier when it involves the loss of a child.  My heartfelt thoughts to all who suffer this type of tragedy. 
 
Pat Pemberton May 31, 2015
 
Johnny
September 3, 2012, my oldest son called my cell and asked if I would be home in the next 20 minutes. It was around 9:20 am.  I waited outside for his arrival, as I knew in my heart, something was terribly wrong. His wife was driving the car. My son called
E over and whispered in my ear, John's dead. I shouted no. I was relieved  he was not in jail, as he was, in jail, for 1 night,1 time only. He hated it. it would not register in my mind that he was dead. He was 41 years old with a 20 year old daughter.I hurt. The pain never stops. He hung himself in his girlfriend's garage. Today is 1000 days he has been dead. I miss him. I dream about him.I see people that looks like him. I hear his laughter in my head. I know in my heart.I will be with him again.
...



 
Christopher Perry May 18, 2015
 
Lost
My wife and I lost our 16 year old son yesterday. He left us, two little sisters and a big sister, and he loved them all tremedously. He felt that he couldn't live up to our expecations and decided to leave. He texted us to tell us how much he loved us and then killed himself. I don't know how he could possibly not think he was not living up to our expectations. He was my son, my friend, my workout partner every morning before school and work, I then drove him to schoool, he helped me with any project around the house or work, we worked on his projects, he watched his little sisters and played with them endlessly, he was an artist and an incredible guitarist. He was polite and kind, always smiling and willing to help someone in need. I could not ask for a more incredible son. Now I'm lost.
Cheri Banks May 10, 2015
 
Mother's Day
My 29 yo son hung himself sometime the last week of March 2015.   It's just past midnight on Mother's Day.  I am trying to focus on my living children and grandchildren, and my own mom, yet i feel empty.  I don't know how to face the mother's day greetings that have already started coming.  I don't feel like a very good mom right now.  I know God has me in His arms.  Sounds like the people here understand.  Thanks for letting me speak.  CB
Ashley May 6, 2015
 
My sons suicide
I thought he had everything! a girlfriend, friends, he was captain of his schools high school football team, he was a straight A student, he had a roof over his head, a loving family, and food on the table.
roseanna ward May 2, 2015
 
My precious baby
my daughter was my best friend we shared everything I knew there was times she was depressed but I could never imagine her taking her own life  she seemed happy her behavior had changed a little however she she explained that to me. I worked early in the morning and she worked nights. So instead of seeing her when I got home her door had been closed for two days. I called her on Friday until I she answered me and she said don't worry mom your working late and I try to stay up to see you but I'm too tired and when I do wake up you are asleep. I just wanted to make sure everything was ok so I told her I understand. She wanted till I came home from work Friday and threw herself on my bed and we talked she seemed fine. However I knew she was drinking more than shewould admit. Saturday she washappy and joking and so was she on Sunday.  On Monday I got up to be at work early in the morning and she called at me at11:00 In the morning we had a good conversation she said everything was ok I ended with I love you and she said I love you too mom. When I got home from work that day her door was closed and sine she is  a 40 year old woman we respected her privacy and I told her I wouldn't barge in on her anymore. I got up at two in the morning and heard loud noises so I put my ear to the door and  thought is just her TV. At three in the mLeningrad her younger brother came into my room screaming and crying she  killed herself  we all live together in the same house my son and family myself and my daughter. I didn't believe him I ran to her room he said mom don't mom don't she was laying face down I tried to turn her over she was stiff and he  couldn't stop crying. He said her TV was on too loud so he went outside because he didn't want to bother her and was trying to turn down the TV from outside when he saw her and kept calling to her she was standing by the door. He ran around and seen the beltbuckle over the door and it was so hard for him to open the door and she fell he can't get that picture or sound out of his head. I'm so torn that he had to suffer that but at the same time he is so afraid without her I will die he is trying to protect me and I am trying to protect him  all the well wishers it's hard  her  funeral is next week and I don't thing I can keep it together how do you live as a mother knowing. You felt your daughter was your best friend and didn't know the pain she was I my heart aches but for my my wonderful son each day I put one foot in front of the other and keep trying to move forward I m trying to hear her spiri I wonder if she iris out in pain for me myprecious baby 
Katrina May 1, 2015
 
Anthony
image I found Anthony on a beautiful sunny, breezing Friday afternoon, April 24, 2015. His body layed in a clearing that will soon have houses built where my son took is last breath and shot himself in the head. You see Anthony had run off before, usually to a friends house, he was 18. My daughter tracked his cell-phone signal with the technology we have now, she was in Arizona with me here is Delaware and told me that the signal was coming from the right side near the woods. When I saw him she was with me on the other end of the phone, not knowing what I saw, not knowing that her baby brother was dead. It haunts me knowing the pain that I caused her because I was only able to sob, you see she's a trauma nurse and wanted me to check for his pulse not realizing there was no question he had passed.  

For many years Anthony had struggled with depression and was placed on anti-depressents when he was 10. His father and I divorced when Anthony was 5 years old. His dad was against medications, inparticular anti-depressents. He was raised to believe that depression was a state of mind and not an illness. The weekends that my son would go to his father's he would not give Anthony his medication, insisting that it wasn't necessary. Knowing that the effects that on and off again not taking it could do more harm than good so I decided to discontinue it. 

Anthony's father has collected guns through his adult life. I had many discussions with him including when we were married that at minimum the guns needed to be "locked" in a safe and I expressed to him not to even have them, you see he didn't hunt or even target shoot. He just liked them. Three years ago several of his guns were actually stollen from his house. After the trial of the young men who stole them, one of which was one of Anthony's friend, you see that's how they knew the guns were there, he still kept them. After finding out recently that my son had taken one of the hand guns maybe more some months back, I don't know showing it off to his friends, he still kept them. Still unlocked, still there. Three months ago, my son had once again took more guns and went to a friend's house, just leaving a note to his father that he wanted to be on his own for awhile. I went to his friend's house with the help of my daughter and technology tracking his cell phone and found my son. My son unharmed, I took the guns, giving them to his father who promised that he would not have them in his house. 

Obviously, they were still there and my son isn't here. In a few hours it will be a week since I found my beautiful son no longer on this earth only leaving his forever essence in my soul and taking the most beautiful part of me with him.

My pain and guilt are a welcomed emotion to me, I know I have to go on.  I have a daughter that does not deserve to lose a brother and mother so close together. I just don't really know what to do. The services for his death are done. I didn't want him burried, I didn't want him in the ground. I don't want anyone going to a grave to mourn him, I feel violated, knowing that he was a gift from God to me, one of which I was not worthy of, I failed him. I do have solice is knowing that whatever pain he was in he no longer suffers.  
Sheryl Salyers April 26, 2015
 
Will I ever feel joy again?
image I feel bittersweet about finding this site. Glad to see that even though I feel completely alone I am not.  I do find hope in alot of your stories, the ones where a significant amount of time has passed and somehow families find the strength to go on even though they still hurt every moment of every day. But for the life of me I don't understand any of this.  My first born, Troy-the light of my life hanged himself on May 19, 2014.  Troy as I always saw hiim was a beautiful, wonderful child who loved the Lord, loved his church and absolutely emurrsed himself in music at a very young age.  When he and my youngest son Trevor would go to bed everynight I would pray with them for long periods of time.  Most of the time they both would have fallen asleep to me praying over them.  Their daddy was just as invovled in church as I was.  Chior member, Sunday School teacher, Deacon, youth group....the list goes on and on.  We were equally as involved in our parks and recs department and both of our boys played football and baseball.  We lived in a small rural part of Georgia and we were living the American dream.  As time went on the relationship between his father and I had deteriorated which unfortuneatley ended our marriage and I ripped my children from the only home they'd ever known and from their father to move to another city for a fresh start.  By this time Troy was 11 and Trevor was 9.  After a year Troy decided he wanted to go back down south to be with his father.  Since he was approaching becoming a teenager naturally I understood and his father and I had become very good friends through the devorce which ment we co-parented very well.  As a teenager Troy started to become awkward socially.  He was having issues trying to make new friends so naturally at that age a person who craves to be liked and included into any social circles will try drugs or alcohol to be accepted.  By the time Troy graduated highschool he was in the Beta Club, Football, and could play the guitar like nobody's business.  He was fantastic.  However his father had fallen out of church and therefore it was not a part of Troy's life either. Graduating high school was the happiest I've ever seen him. He was just glowing....I thought any way.  But Troy had renewed his friendship with a childhood friend who at the the time was a drug pusher.  Troy was high on marijuiana alot.  Constantly.  I of course thought he just experimented from time to time so I wasn't too concerned.  He started attending college at East Georgia College and from what I knew he was doing well.  He and I spoke every day sometimes multipule times.  We were soul mates, kindred spirits when it came to music and there was not a mountain I wouldn't move for him. Then the rooms started closing in around him.  He was busted for DUI 3 different times, was caught with drugs which was a felony with numerous other charges. At on point he was on the line with the Suicide Hotline with a belt around his neck.  The police came pounding at the door and of course this woke his father who immediately agreed to have hime admitted for treatment.   His father bailed him out of jail countlesss times and there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for Troy either.  We got him the best help, counselors, etc.  He was eventually diagnoised as bi-polar.  One of the things Troy had told me while he was in a group session was that he hated to see me cry.  He didn't want me to cry any more.  The last time I spoke with Troy I called him early Monday morning to let him know we (me and my current husband Mark) were going up to Kentucky because my father in law was dying and the family needed to make the decesion to take him off of life support.  The last thing Troy said to me was "Mama I''m so sorry.  Please give his family my sincere condolances.  I love you and ya'll be careful"  We were 15 minutes from the hospital in Kentucky when Troy's daddy called me frantic telling me he was so sorry and Troy hung himself.  My life will never be the same I don't even remember most of that week.  I do remember getting to see Troy one last time and just kissing and touching his face over and over.  But the only thing I recall most of all after we had Troy's service is waking up every morning realizing it wasn't a dream and crying uncontrollably.  I know he's in Heaven, but I also know he made some bad decisions.  I miss him every single moment of every day.  I absolutely remain close with his brother Trevor.  He's the only joy I know now.  We've managed to almost make it a year but I'm dreading the year anniversary and mother's day.  I just want the hurt to go away.  I don't want to every forget Troy and Lord knows I never could.  But why won't this endless rollercoaster of emotions go away.  It's like no one cares any more, but I do understand life does have to go on.  I'm so tired of hurting and crying.  But that's all I do.  I can't even keep a job because I'm emotionally debilitated.  I want to die.  But the only thing that stops me is I don't want my mother to ever hurt this bad.  If Troy said he didn't want me to cry any more then why did he do this.?  I cry every day of my life....why???? Why did he do this to me? 
Raymond Cushing April 21, 2015
 
We all could have done better
I lost my 26-year-old son Max on April 28th, 2013 when they found his car on a bridge after an argument with his girlfriend. They found his body two weeks later 40 miles downstream. He was my favorite of my four sons, the father of my only grandchild. He left no note, but his journal entries showed that he was depressed and that he was resentful toward me as his father. It's been two years this month. I have suffered a great deal and I am suffering today. But after reading several pages of these heart-rending storis I have to agree with Anne C.: "We could have always been nicer, better, more understanding, perfect. Instead we are just human and we have done our best. Let's forgive ourselves and be happy for our our remaining family members. That is the greatest gift we can ever give them." If my son chose to take his life (I have no absolute proof that he did), then I am glad he is free of whatever was tormenting him. I wish I could have saved him, but I am determined not to let his death destroy me. That would just cause my family more pain and they have suffered enough.

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