How do I live with my son's suicide?
It was a lovely quiet Sunday morning, on 5 February 2006, when my life irrevocably changed in the blink of an eye. My husband and I were on our way to the shop when an emergency vehicle passed us with loud sirens and flashing lights. In my ignorance I said to my husband I wonder who died now. In the meantime the vehicle was on its way to the scene where my son Emile, 20, hanged himself during the Saturday night or early Sunday morning in a weeping willow tree in a park near our house. I will never forget those words I uttered. About a half an hour after we returned home children from the neighborhood called my youngest son to our gate. They informed him that a young man, who fit Emile’s description, committed suicide in the park. We quickly drove there. The area at the tree looked like a crime scene. Emergency and police vehicles and personnel were everywhere. The place where my son was lying was surrounded by police tape. I told the trauma officer I thought it could be my son. He led me to a body lying on the grass under the tree covered with an emergency blanket. I stood there looking at my son’s face in shock. It was like a dream, I could not believe my eyes. It couldn’t be true. I kept asking my husband if I was dreaming, it couldn’t be Emile lying there dead. Everything felt like a nightmare, the daylight was blinding and I heard a roaring noise in my head. The trauma officer spoke to us but I did not understand one word he was saying. We went home and I started phoning family and friends to tell them. Nobody believed me because I didn’t cry and told them in a matter of fact way that Emile hanged himself. The only thing that went around and around in my mind was: “It can’t be, it can’t be, my son can’t be dead. This is all a nightmare and I’m going to wake up any minute.” On the Sunday evening I returned to my senses and realized it was true. I never understood the meaning of keening, but that night I keened for hours and the weeks following Emile’s death. It felt as if I was going insane. My thoughts were in disarray and I felt anxious the whole time. The next day we had to go to the mortuary to identify him. It was the most horrid experience I ever had to go through. I could not believe he was lying dead on that cold slab of cement. It didn’t look like my beautiful son. My heart was torn into pieces and I felt like dying of a broken heart! Every day was a nightmare. A part of me died with my son on that fateful day and I couldn’t function in a normal way. I stayed in bed for weeks and all I could do was cry my heart out. Every night I was on the Internet for hours searching desperately for somewhere, where I could share this unbearable pain I was feeling. I phoned radio pulpit every day and told my story to Christian therapists over and over in the hope that someone could make it better for me. There was nothing in South Africa apart from The Compassionate Friends who helped me tremendously. There is no help for the unbearable pain a parent experience after the suicide of a child. Nobody out there understands what you are going through. There is nothing anybody can do or say to make you feel better. For months I ate almost nothing and didn’t cook or clean or did anything in the house. It felt as if I was all alone on earth. I couldn’t imagine a future without Emile. I couldn’t think properly or remember anything I did or said or what anybody else did or said. I didn’t remember anything that happened to me, I was on autopilot the whole time. The worst thing was that Emile didn’t leave a letter or anything to explain this to me. I searched everywhere like one possessed for anything that could explain why my son did this awful thing. I searched the area under the tree and in the tree for a clue. I scratched around in his clothes and searched every pocket and place for something to give me an idea why my son did this. The questions are still driving me insane. Why, what? What was wrong with my son I didn’t see? Was I so selfish and self centered I never realized there was something wrong with Emile? I still blame myself that I didn’t realize what was going on in his mind, what he was planning. What did I do wrong in his life, where did I fail as a parent?
I look at other parents with big sons and I can’t believe that Emile isn’t here any more. I didn’t just lose a son to suicide, but a friend. The sorrow and despair is indescribable, and if you don’t find yourself it that situation, you can never imagine what parents go through. I started an e-mail support group for parents who lost their children called Loving Arms. We share our heartache and support each other with encouragement and understanding.
Nobody understands this hell and they don’t know what to say to you. People in their ignorance say all kinds of stupid things to a parent in this situation. They say things like: “Your son committed suicide and that means his soul will never find rest, you have another child live for him now, you need to get over it now and carry on with your life”. And it does nothing to change the destruction in your mind it just adds to the pain and heartache. On more than one occasion I just wanted to scream out at them: “please just leave me alone, you have no idea what you are talking about. My son is dead and I don’t know why.” I was on a suicide mission of my own for months and landed in hospital after I tried to overdose with tranquilizers.
Nobody can come through this pain without any help. It is an emotional roller coaster ride and you never know how you are going to feel in the next moment. One minute you are in this deep dark hole of despair, and the next you feel so angry that this abominable thing could’ve happened to you. Then there are days when you feel quite calm. On other days all you can do is cry uncontrollably and feel as if you will never ever be normal again. My perception of life changed completely, and things that were important in the past don’t mean anything any more.
Another Year
Firstly, I want to say to Darlene Smith that I so understand your pain and your wish to be with your son, Adam. I've been there. Many a time I was on the verge of taking a bottle of pills, driving into a bridge, jumping from a cliff or even shooting myself, the same way my son died.
On January 18, 2012 I came home from work, finding my 25-year-old son, Urich, in a pool of blood on his bedroom floor. He had shot himself in the temple with his dad's .38 revolver. He was already dead, but still warm. It must have happened less than an hour before I got home; maybe even as I was in the driveway. Who knows? I was so close to saving him and yet so far. He was supposed to go for a job interview that day. He just came back from overseas three months ago after having worked as a photographer on cruise ships for three years. He told me that he was missing his family too much and wanted to find a job at home. He never made it to the interview. At the time he was supposed to be at the interview he was at the Post Office sending off a package to his girlfriend in China. Then he went back home and Skyped with her until an hour and 20 minutes before I got home. Reading their conversation, in hindsight it is clear what his intention was, but not expecting anything like this she did not realize that this was his last goodbye to her.
Darlene, it's only a year since you found your son. After a year I was feeling just like you. I had no reason to live anymore. The pain was too much to bear. I could not imagine living the rest of my life without my only son, the one that I prayed for since I could remember. But I had my daughter, Urich's sister, to consider. And my elderly parents who were so frail. Still, I wished to be run over by a car by accident or even get cancer so that I could die a "natural" death. The second year after his death the shock of it started wearing off and the full effect of what had happened hit me. It was even worse than the first year. I could not bear to remember that he would never walk in the door again. I never received any counselling or medication to help me through which made it even worse. In addition, my husband found this a good time to have his third affair with a woman at work, so I had that to deal with too. It was hard, hard, so hard.
This month it will be three years without my Urich. This time of the year is terrible for me, December and January. My daughter got married just over a month before her brother's death. Christmas and New Year is always hard to deal with. Urich's birthday is on January 11 and his Angelversary on January 18. Then it's "done" for another year. What I want to tell you, Darlene, is please hang in there, if only for your remaining son for now. It does get easier with time and you will find some purpose in life again, although you will never stop missing Adam. Do not blame your husband or yourself for what happened. Suicide does not happen because of isolated incidents. My husband also threatened to kick our son out of the house if he did not get his butt away from the computer and find a job. Although we never realized that he was suffering from depression (he hid it very well), looking back I can see that it was there for a while. Having gone into depression myself I know what it feels like, how empty life seems and how disposable and unwanted one feels. Please get help to get you through this, even if you don't feel like it. One day you will realize that you did the right thing when you are able to enjoy life again with the rest of your family. They do need you, more than you realize right now.
Benjamin
My beautiful, precious, sweet boy had been ill for 4 years. He was diagnosed with body dysmorphia and psychotic depression. He had isolated himself from all his friends, deleted his Facebook account and got rid of his mobile phone. I was the only person he would see.
He had made attempts at taking his life before but there were always safety measures in place (he would overdose and then tell me). However, in September his behaviour became even more bizarre. He believed that terrorists were out to get him. He believed the government thought he was a 'code breaker' and wanted to torture him. He appeared desperate and hopeless. I was scared.
I contacted the local mental health services who sectioned my son and took him to a place of 'safety' as he was deemed a risk to himself.
Whilst in the 'safe haven' of the local mental health hospital, Benjamin was allowed out on his own. He purchased over-the-counter medication and took a massive overdose. He was found by hospital staff an hour later. He was unresponsive.
He was transferred to ICU where he was on life support for 4 days.
Officially he died on 29 November 2014 but the Benjamin that I knew really died 4 days earlier, alone in a mental hospital.
I don't know how people come to terms with losing their child. He was my only one. He was my world. I have no life without him.
To Emile Mom
Hi Emile mom, my name is Rafael and Im from Brazil. Im 25 at this moment and Im battling a severe depression at this moment.
Your letter helped me reconsider, maybe for a while, my suicide, since you made me think how my parents would suffer with my death. I appreciate your will to share to people all around the world what you are feeling, I dont have any idea of what it is, but I just can imagine a fraction of this unbearable pain.
I suffer from PTSD after a violent fight in 2009, at the door of a nightclub, where I almost died. I was surrounded by more than 10 and got severelly beaten up. Not a single one of them got what they deserved in justice, justice in my country is failed and we are proned to let things like this happen all the time. Theres no real justice in my country, I saw my my friends, people who I gave my trust and dedication, run away while the criminals were kicking my head several times. I went to hospital and almost died.
Yet, this is only one of the things that made me think soo much on commiting suicide. Life is really hard for men at this age. We suffer from relationships that fail, abusive girls and if we speak to someone about our suffering, we risk getting labbeled as sensible guys or even homossexuals. Young men suffer from serious depression because they were taught that expressing their fears and sadness is a gay thing. For me and for many youngsters between the age of 15 until 30, drug exposure is real and serious problem. When you become very depressed, drug use is a matter of time and that only turn things worse.
My suffering became very bad after the end of my relationship with my first girlfriend. That turned my apart and I couldnt talk to no one about what I was feeling at the time. My mom, even though her effort to understand and help me, didnt help and also became, sometimes, a troublemaker in my life when I talked about my sadness. Her preconceived judgements, her disgusting prejudice towards the notion toward men, her small interest in really helping me were aspects of a mother that became part of a problem.
I hope you dont take this personally and I hope you dont suffer more after I tell yout this, but Im just really telling you what I really think about this issue: in my opinion, unfortunatelly, parents of suicidal children are always co-responsible for their sons acts. Its terribly painfull to accept that, but knowing that fact will help you reach your inner-soul and your other son problems. Remember that being co-responsible for your son suicide doesnt make you a bad person or someone who deserve what you are suffering. You are co-responsible because you didnt reached your son in time and didnt have more dialogue with him. Most of suicidal people show signs of its deadly behaviours to their parents before commiting suicide. Im, right at this moment, showing signs to my parents and they dont give a shit about it. So, unfortunatelly, if things get worse, I will take my life. They are not directlly responsible for my death, but they could reach me more. They could talk sincerelly with me more, they could be more zealous about my future.
I really hope that you start to feel better with time. Theres no time to heal completelly a son lost. But you still have a husband, another son, you still have a family, a house. You still have something to keep going, to keep the fight on. Dont forget that the fact that your son commited suicide dont make him a bastard without a soul or whatever dumb fanatic christians talk about. He just couldnt bare the pain, he was suffering to much in his own mind and soul. I wish to you that you can talk more with your family, be more close to them always and never give up on your happiness. You can still keep walking forward, collect the pieces of your broken heart and start to gather them each by time with your family. Never forget that your son is a more peacefull place right now, he dont suffer anymore. Hes with the angels watching at you and telling you sorry for his actions, he didnt want you to suffer this way, he only wanted to finish his pain. When he commited suicide, he wasnt selfish. He was only too desperate to think about the consequences of his act. I hope you forgive him and think that, no matter what happens, he will be looking at you and wishing you that you stay strong and dont give up on your life.
Empty
My 14 year old daughter found my 17 year old son hanging in his closet on November 14,2014, I spoke with my son the night before we made plans to go hunting, he was starting a new Job that friday and monday we made plans to hang out just him and I . My oldest son was away at basic. my Family was 1000 miles away. we had just moved to a new state in september. He left a note for everyone, he stated he felt like he was in the way and it would be better for him to go. I have been a single mom for 13 years, my kids are my world and my best friends. We as a family are still asking Why? what if? I sent my daughter away to family for christmas break because i did not want her alone while I was at work. I look at his bedroom door every day and break down everyday im in the car or see a young man that looks like him. Im not sure how to fix my son and daughters hurt, I missed my 17 year olds hurt and couldnt save him. He was such an amazing young man. Im so afraid of my other two seeing thats the only way of dealing with pain. I physically ache and beg god everyday to bring him back and take me. my last words to my son was I love you sweet Dreams. I know I am not the only one that feels this way or going through this, so someone please tell me how do I help my son and daughter get through the loss of their Brother ?get through this, Thanksgiving, Christmas, then on the december 30 my son will be turning 18? How do I answer that dreadfull question of do you have children and how many? when will I be able to think about my beautiful son and not break down and cuss out god for taking my baby? How am I going to help my daughter stop seeing her brother hanging in his bedroom closet? when will the ones that know what happend stop treating my family like they have the plague? I am usually the one that fixes everything in my family, I cant fix this I dont know what to do
Worst Christmas ever
My son Adam stuck his AK47 in his mouth Jan 4, 2014 and pulled the trigger. We were putting away Christmas decorations and he had just gotten back from taking donations to Salvation Army with his dad. He went straight upstairs and killed himself. I was in the room below his room taking down the Christmas tree. I didn't know what the sound was but I was afraid he had done something harmful as I ran up the stairs. I threw his door open and blood was pouring out of the back of his head. It took a minute for it to register exactly what it was I was looking at. Once I realized what it was, I started screaming fron the bowels of my soul. My husband was two floors down. I wanted him to hear me without my having to stop. I didn't want to stop. My youngest son was on the middle floor and I yelled down to him to get his dad. He asked what was wrong and I just told him to get his dad. He asked again and I said that Adam shot himself. He came up and pushed me away from him. I got up and called 911. They asked if we wanted to do Cpr and I did but my husband said no, he's gone. He was still breathing but the back of his head was blown off. I've been trying to deal with this for a year now and this time last year he was here and I know he was thinking about when he was going to do this. He wanted me to set the dining room table up with the pretty decorations, table wear, and good China. This was his last Christmas and he knew it. I didn't and now I'll forever hate this time of year. I miss and love him so much. I know he felt trapped and in an impossible situation as hE tried college and failed and we tried to prompt him to find work. He was apprehensive as he was very short and no one would hire him because he had no confidence in himself and people ignored him. His father told him to get a job or move out and that he can't live in our house and just play video games all day. He tried to reach out by asking for help and his dad said,"you don't want our help." Then he said, well I've been helping around the house with chores and housework." And my husband said that's not enough. So he put him in an impossible situation as he knew he wouldn't find a job and he was afraid to leave and not have a place to live. I would've never done that to him and I'm just now going through intense anger towards my husband. Now what do I do? I've been suicidal the last two weeks wanting to hang myself but I have my other son who I pretend to be happy around. But my gut is wrenching and I can't bear the thought of having to live the rest of my life with this in my heart and on my mind everyday. I hate my life and want to die to be with my angel.
Mother
Two years ago my girlfriends son commited suicide. He was 15. He was a handsome and popular kid. I never really believed that he meant it. I thought he was just messing around and screwed up. She could never see it that way. The next few months were very tough. She didnt want help. By the fall though,she really picked herself back up. She was back in college for psw . Her mission in life became to help as many people as she could. She excelled at it. Last dec 27th i found her hanging in her apartment. I managed to resuscitate her but it was too late. Christmas is upon us and i feel terrible as ever. I dont think i would ever consider suicide but my life has become so closed now. I have pushed everyone away. I cant see me ever losing the guilt. They were two such wonderful people. I miss her sooo much. And I am so sorry. I hope that they finally have a wonderful Christmas together this year.
I just read many stories out here and i know that others are having a tough time of year. I dont know who to talk to so sometime i guess it can be good to get it off your chest to complete strangers. Thank you.
I blame my self constantly
I lost my 3rd born son, Jack 32 on 10th November 2011, through drug use.
Again my 1st born son Lawrence 37 committed suicide on 2nd December 2014.
I blame my self constantly how did I not see the signs?
All I ever wanted for you both was happiness. I wanted to see you marry and get kids. I cannot explain the pain in my heart.
Only God knows why you left in such circumstances.
I love you always.
Mum.
I need to know why
My son hanged himself on Oct. 18th at around 1 AM. His girlfriend found him shortly after he had done it and called 911. They got a heartbeat and took him to the hospital. She tried calling me that night but I had gone to bed already and did not hear my phone.
I get up Sunday morning and had my coffee not knowing what had happened. I hear a knock at the door and they don't wait for me to answer but just barge in. To my surprise it is my exwife. I do not understand at all at first but I see her face and immediately I know something terrible has happened to one of our children. In the split seconds that elapse from that moment till the time she blurts out those awful few words, I ran several different bad things that could have happened thru my head. NONE of them had one of them committing suicide. Car accidents, or other sorts of non lethal things, that's what came into my head, never in a million years did I think any of my sons wanted to end his life. My eldest is single and travels a lot for work so that is where the car accident thing came from. The middle one live in Philly , 40 miles away, I hate going there. I wish I got up there more as he has my granddaughter. My youngest is a free spirt. I never know where he is. That is the one that I thought the look on her face was about in those nanoseconds, of those who do you think would bring my ex wife to my house very early on a Sunday morning.
It turns out it is the one that you do not think would be in any trouble. My middle son Greg had HANGED HIMSELF.
I did not know what to think at that exact moment. I sat for a minute, then just started screaming NO NO NO, NOT HIM.
The shook of those first few moments will forever haunt me. I did not know what to do next. Somehow my ex gave me the details about how and when with a calmness that somehow upset as I thought she should have been way more upset. His girlfriend and mother to my granddaughter told her that they had argued just before this happened.
To my son Gustavo, with all my love
Misty mystery of you
To my beloved son Gustavo who took his life on June 4th 2014 aged 15
He was a great young man. He developed psychosis. The suffering he went through was unbearable.
He didn´t want to be a zombie. I am very sad, but I respect his decision. We loved each other very much.
I am working hard to de-stigmantize mental illness.
He taught me to seek the truth, come what may.
Red and grey and blue... Was the last time I saw you....
Then....
in space you left behind, I choose to go a lttle crazy.
...walking in our home I seek the misty mystery... O o of you
Floating all around, sun shines, the sun.....just dances
(on the walls)
There it is , the mist,
I plunge into it
A little crazy is all right, I hear. ..your laughter.
I refuse to let you go,
I know you'd laugh and argue back with hard science,
so I laugh too.
A little crazy is just fine ,
I bathe in the mist of you,
When the mystery of you floats by I´m hurled into it
In the mist's where I resist
what I refuse to say
We didn´t build our lives this way, but I's OK ,
cause I fill it with the mist,
the misty mystery,
Here...I´ll resist it
The misty mystery of you, I walk in to it
The mist of our love I will carry with me
Allways
A little crazy is ok, I talk to you all day
In the mist..... I resist,
A little crazy, is ok
I have our memories
A mist of mystery
I´ll carry with me
always
Anonymous |
December 2, 2014 |
Thank You
Thank you. To all of you.
I have been suicidal for some time. Nobody knows. I have managed to conceal it from everyone close to me. Twice I have tied a noose and slipped it around my neck, hovering on that edge. Both times I have come here. I realize this isn't just my life in my hands. I would leave a void no matter how far I try to distance myself from my family. I would leave questions that would forever remain unanswered. I would leave wounds that would never heal.
So thank you. All of you. You've turned me around twice and have given me a rebirth. I live because of you.
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