How do I live with my son's suicide?
It was a lovely quiet Sunday morning, on 5 February 2006, when my life irrevocably changed in the blink of an eye. My husband and I were on our way to the shop when an emergency vehicle passed us with loud sirens and flashing lights. In my ignorance I said to my husband I wonder who died now. In the meantime the vehicle was on its way to the scene where my son Emile, 20, hanged himself during the Saturday night or early Sunday morning in a weeping willow tree in a park near our house. I will never forget those words I uttered. About a half an hour after we returned home children from the neighborhood called my youngest son to our gate. They informed him that a young man, who fit Emile’s description, committed suicide in the park. We quickly drove there. The area at the tree looked like a crime scene. Emergency and police vehicles and personnel were everywhere. The place where my son was lying was surrounded by police tape. I told the trauma officer I thought it could be my son. He led me to a body lying on the grass under the tree covered with an emergency blanket. I stood there looking at my son’s face in shock. It was like a dream, I could not believe my eyes. It couldn’t be true. I kept asking my husband if I was dreaming, it couldn’t be Emile lying there dead. Everything felt like a nightmare, the daylight was blinding and I heard a roaring noise in my head. The trauma officer spoke to us but I did not understand one word he was saying. We went home and I started phoning family and friends to tell them. Nobody believed me because I didn’t cry and told them in a matter of fact way that Emile hanged himself. The only thing that went around and around in my mind was: “It can’t be, it can’t be, my son can’t be dead. This is all a nightmare and I’m going to wake up any minute.” On the Sunday evening I returned to my senses and realized it was true. I never understood the meaning of keening, but that night I keened for hours and the weeks following Emile’s death. It felt as if I was going insane. My thoughts were in disarray and I felt anxious the whole time. The next day we had to go to the mortuary to identify him. It was the most horrid experience I ever had to go through. I could not believe he was lying dead on that cold slab of cement. It didn’t look like my beautiful son. My heart was torn into pieces and I felt like dying of a broken heart! Every day was a nightmare. A part of me died with my son on that fateful day and I couldn’t function in a normal way. I stayed in bed for weeks and all I could do was cry my heart out. Every night I was on the Internet for hours searching desperately for somewhere, where I could share this unbearable pain I was feeling. I phoned radio pulpit every day and told my story to Christian therapists over and over in the hope that someone could make it better for me. There was nothing in South Africa apart from The Compassionate Friends who helped me tremendously. There is no help for the unbearable pain a parent experience after the suicide of a child. Nobody out there understands what you are going through. There is nothing anybody can do or say to make you feel better. For months I ate almost nothing and didn’t cook or clean or did anything in the house. It felt as if I was all alone on earth. I couldn’t imagine a future without Emile. I couldn’t think properly or remember anything I did or said or what anybody else did or said. I didn’t remember anything that happened to me, I was on autopilot the whole time. The worst thing was that Emile didn’t leave a letter or anything to explain this to me. I searched everywhere like one possessed for anything that could explain why my son did this awful thing. I searched the area under the tree and in the tree for a clue. I scratched around in his clothes and searched every pocket and place for something to give me an idea why my son did this. The questions are still driving me insane. Why, what? What was wrong with my son I didn’t see? Was I so selfish and self centered I never realized there was something wrong with Emile? I still blame myself that I didn’t realize what was going on in his mind, what he was planning. What did I do wrong in his life, where did I fail as a parent?
I look at other parents with big sons and I can’t believe that Emile isn’t here any more. I didn’t just lose a son to suicide, but a friend. The sorrow and despair is indescribable, and if you don’t find yourself it that situation, you can never imagine what parents go through. I started an e-mail support group for parents who lost their children called Loving Arms. We share our heartache and support each other with encouragement and understanding.
Nobody understands this hell and they don’t know what to say to you. People in their ignorance say all kinds of stupid things to a parent in this situation. They say things like: “Your son committed suicide and that means his soul will never find rest, you have another child live for him now, you need to get over it now and carry on with your life”. And it does nothing to change the destruction in your mind it just adds to the pain and heartache. On more than one occasion I just wanted to scream out at them: “please just leave me alone, you have no idea what you are talking about. My son is dead and I don’t know why.” I was on a suicide mission of my own for months and landed in hospital after I tried to overdose with tranquilizers.
Nobody can come through this pain without any help. It is an emotional roller coaster ride and you never know how you are going to feel in the next moment. One minute you are in this deep dark hole of despair, and the next you feel so angry that this abominable thing could’ve happened to you. Then there are days when you feel quite calm. On other days all you can do is cry uncontrollably and feel as if you will never ever be normal again. My perception of life changed completely, and things that were important in the past don’t mean anything any more.
All gone
I don't know which way is up? Will there ever be the innocence of happiness again? Will there always be the shadow of hell lurking behind my heart to suck love from life? My son shot himself October 29, 2014. He wanted to leave, he told me... over the phone. I got him into the ER on July 4 via phone, he asked for help directly, they said he was fine becasue he asked for help, "Its a good sign." an hour later he was back at his house - he was a college student. Something lurked in my heart, I knew what was coming. We made plans for him to move home at Thanksgiving, he was lonely. I started bleeding from stress ulcers and upon waking from the medical procedure to make sure there wasn't any other underlying issues, I listened to a voice message from the police chaplain. My back was turned for only a moment. A moment too long. I have two more children, I love them. My spirit is broken, the innocence is gone. I want to find my son, to hug him. I saw a picture he took of himself the night before. He'd lost 40 pounds in a month and looked like the poster boy for p90x. My stomach churned. He was naturally a heavier set young man, but just not the perfect image. "If I look better, I will feel better, I will feel healthier." "I think exercising is becoming a small addiction." There is no way he was thinking properly, the mind needs food, fat, and nutrients. I should've gone there, I should have been there. I just want to wake up, I want to hold him, to love him. I am so sorry Davie!!! I am so sorry!!!!
I can't cope with the loss of my son
My son hanged himself in his apartment this past Sunday morning. He had been suffering from serious depression and had already tried once before, about 2 months ago. I tried and tried to talk to him and calm him... giving him positive thoughts and trying to get him to find a coping mechanism. I knew I was going to get the call. I feel like I let him down... Like I should have done much more. He was in love with a woman who he told me just wouldn't love him back. On the morning of his death, he spoke to his brother and told him he just had the worst night of his life because that woman had lied to him. He tried so hard to get that woman to love him back but his efforts were futile. I have anger for her right now but I realize that depression is a disease and she represented the final straw for my son. The part that I wish to make known is that he also suffered from untreated PTSD. He found one of his room mates with a self inflicted shotgun event in an apartment they shared. I just found out about that recently. He also witnessed the shooting death of another room mate about a year later. I tried despperately to get him to go to PTSD counseling but he said he was a man and he could take it.
I don't know if I will ever stop wondering what really made him make that fatal decision. I don't know how to stop thinking I could have done more. I am devastated and don't know what to do or where to go. His brother wants to "take care" of the woman as he is so devastated and completely blames her. What the hell am I going to do?
Almost, but not out of the woods yet
I am a father of three teenagers 18, 17 and 15. My oldest daughter was the perfect child growing up. We spent a lot of time laughing and playing sports together. While I love all my children dearly, it seemed that I had more in common with her than the other two. Things have changed to some degree now as they have all progressed into their late teens. When my oldest daughter turned 13 so many things seemed to change for her. My once bright eyed, happy, beautiful daughter who had so many friends seemed to turn into a whole other person. Drugs, new friends, and cutting herself followed. Cuts on her arms so deep that I don't even know how she survived. But she did. I feel like one of the lucky ones. I am writing this letter because I want others on here who weren't so lucky to know that your stories and your children did not die in vain. I am sure there are many other parents who have come onto these posts who have not lost children to sucicide. I am learning so much from your stories. I am also going to show this thread to my daughter to let her know how much our children are loved, and how much they are missed when they are gone. I read one post on here from someone named Diane who said that after reading the posts on here it stopped her from doing something stupid. I cannot possibly tell you how sorry I am you lost your child. I cannot even relate to your pain. But what I can tell you is by sharing your stories on here, you are making a difference, and I am sure you have saved other parents from a lot of pain. Threads like this one create awareness, and I am sure many children who are struggling with suicidal thoughts read these posts. Thank you for your stories, and I truly hope you find some peace somehow.
mrs
I am reading this and tears are falling down my cheeks, it is coming up to our first anniversary of our sons suicide and we still have no idea why. I blame my self constantly how did I not see the signs? My heart goes out to all of you I feel your pain.
Unbearable
This pain is so unbearable, but somehow I am bearing it, how is that possible. I too feel so alone, so in agony and so bereft and like I am losing myself. My son shot himself on August 29, he was 47 years old. Very bright, and knew so much and tried to advise all of us, his family and friends, it consumed him for about 7 years. I looked forward to his visits to me several days after my birthday which is Oct. 21 and I know this year there will be no such visit. He used to some to see me a few days after mother's day too. His birthday would have been Dec. 3rd. I already dread that day. How is it possible to live like this, knowing the full love that we shared and that I will never hear his voice again, see him or feel his bear hugs, is just breaking me apart. I can't see how this will ever get better. Better? How? As each day passes I still find it very hard and the grieving is causing me more pain, not less. Can someone please share with me, how they got through without cracking.
mother
i am the mother of two sons who committed suicide. my son dustin hung himself in the closet while i was in the home. i found him, tried to revieve him, didn't work...he was 12...1994....My son Daniel shot himself in the head on may 3, 14...he was 22....i was 7 hours driving time away....i truely hurt...miss them both.
Brokenhearted mom.
My son Kolbie James McCune, killed himself January, 3rd 2014...He was 22 year old ... He battled depression for many years. .. And he started to self medicating himself with drugs.....He always told me drugs made him feel normal.... Kolbie was a very sweet smart boy, he always seemed happy until the age of around 13.. Then things changed he just wasn't the same boy anymore. .. We struggled with him for years, fighting a heroin addiction, then he beat that and moved on to the next drug. He would do what ever he could get his hands on .. even over the counter cough medicine. ... We tried everything to help him, At least I hope we did ! Maybe that's just something I tell myself now ... So now here I sit in the most unbearable pain anyone could ever imagine! Not knowing what to do with myself.. The moment I found out my son was gone, I myself died inside ! I'm not the same person, I never will be.. The things that were once important to me are no longer important ! I have no joy in my life I'm just here ... Not numb, trust me I feel Pain more deeply then ever in my life ! I just wanted him to be happy, get married have kids.. I'm sorry Kolbie, I failed you ... I love you Kolbie. . I hope I will See you soon.. I hope your happy now... I miss you more everyday. . Love always your Mom....
My son Ollie
My eldest son Ollie killed himself on 31/10/2010. He was depressed after splitting up with a girlfriend. He had been injecting steroids for a few months prior to his death, (this , I believe, had a bearing on his mental state at the time of his death). It has been very hard, these past few years, coming to terms with the loss of my son. I'm worried now that I might be going mad as I have this incredible need to 'go find my son'. I feel that he is not in this country and that I need to go abroad to find him. Is there anybody else out there who has this feeling.
My beloved Step Son Josh
On Memorial Day, May 26 2014 our Joshua took his own life. Josh was as charming and charismatic as a Son could be. We are at a loss as to why he would do this. Our loss is unbearable. My Husband worshiped the ground he walked on. He didn't even say goodbye to him. My husband is losing his zest for living and I don't know what to do. No note ...no reason...no clue. Why did this happen ???
This is a very dark place that we have unwillingly found ourselves.
Help
My lovely son
I lost my son this year in July 2014. He struggled with addiction and tried to get help but to no avail. I didn't realise his addiction had grown I can't forgive myself for letting him down. I miss him so much all I do is cry
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