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How do I live with my son's suicide?

                                                      

It was a lovely quiet Sunday morning, on 5 February 2006, when my life irrevocably changed in the blink of an eye. My husband and I were on our way to the shop when an emergency vehicle passed us with loud sirens and flashing lights.   In my ignorance I said to my husband I wonder who died now. In the meantime the vehicle was on its way to the scene where my son Emile, 20, hanged himself during the Saturday night or early Sunday morning in a weeping willow tree in a park near our house. I will never forget those words I uttered.   About a half an hour after we returned home children from the neighborhood called my youngest son to our gate. They informed him that a young man, who fit Emile’s description, committed suicide in the park. We quickly drove there. The area at the tree looked like a crime scene. Emergency and police vehicles and personnel were everywhere. The place where my son was lying was surrounded by police tape. I told the trauma officer I thought it could be my son. He led me to a body lying on the grass under the tree covered with an emergency blanket. I stood there looking at my son’s face in shock. It was like a dream, I could not believe my eyes. It couldn’t be true. I kept asking my husband if I was dreaming, it couldn’t be Emile lying there dead. Everything felt like a nightmare, the daylight was blinding and I heard a roaring noise in my head. The trauma officer spoke to us but I did not understand one word he was saying. We went home and I started phoning family and friends to tell them. Nobody believed me because I didn’t cry and told them in a matter of fact way that Emile hanged himself. The only thing that went around and around in my mind was: “It can’t be, it can’t be, my son can’t be dead. This is all a nightmare and I’m going to wake up any minute.” On the Sunday evening I returned to my senses and realized it was true. I never understood the meaning of keening, but that night I keened for hours and the weeks following Emile’s death.   It felt as if I was going insane. My thoughts were in disarray and I felt anxious the whole time. The next day we had to go to the mortuary to identify him. It was the most horrid experience I ever had to go through. I could not believe he was lying dead on that cold slab of cement. It didn’t look like my beautiful son. My heart was torn into pieces and I felt like dying of a broken heart! Every day was a nightmare. A part of me died with my son on that fateful day and I couldn’t function in a normal way.   I stayed in bed for weeks and all I could do was cry my heart out. Every night I was on the Internet for hours searching desperately for somewhere, where I could share this unbearable pain I was feeling. I phoned radio pulpit every day and told my story to Christian therapists over and over in the hope that someone could make it better for me. There was nothing in South Africa apart from The Compassionate Friends who helped me tremendously. There is no help for the unbearable pain a parent experience after the suicide of a child. Nobody out there understands what you are going through. There is nothing anybody can do or say to make you feel better. For months I ate almost nothing and didn’t cook or clean or did anything in the house. It felt as if I was all alone on earth. I couldn’t imagine a future without Emile. I couldn’t think properly or remember anything I did or said or what anybody else did or said. I didn’t remember anything that happened to me, I was on autopilot the whole time. The worst thing was that Emile didn’t leave a letter or anything to explain this to me. I searched everywhere like one possessed for anything that could explain why my son did this awful thing. I searched the area under the tree and in the tree for a clue. I scratched around in his clothes and searched every pocket and place for something to give me an idea why my son did this. The questions are still driving me insane. Why, what? What was wrong with my son I didn’t see? Was I so selfish and self centered I never realized there was something wrong with Emile?   I still blame myself that I didn’t realize what was going on in his mind, what he was planning. What did I do wrong in his life, where did I fail as a parent?

I look at other parents with big sons and I can’t believe that Emile isn’t here any more. I didn’t just lose a son to suicide, but a friend. The sorrow and despair is indescribable, and if you don’t find yourself it that situation, you can never imagine what parents go through. I started an e-mail support group for parents who lost their children called Loving Arms. We share our heartache and support each other with encouragement and understanding.

Nobody understands this hell and they don’t know what to say to you. People in their ignorance say all kinds of stupid things to a parent in this situation. They say things like: “Your son committed suicide and that means his soul will never find rest, you have another child live for him now, you need to get over it now and carry on with your life”. And it does nothing to change the destruction in your mind it just adds to the pain and heartache. On more than one occasion I just wanted to scream out at them: “please just leave me alone, you have no idea what you are talking about. My son is dead and I don’t know why.” I was on a suicide mission of my own for months and landed in hospital after I tried to overdose with tranquilizers.

Nobody can come through this pain without any help. It is an emotional roller coaster ride and you never know how you are going to feel in the next moment. One minute you are in this deep dark hole of despair, and the next you feel so angry that this abominable thing could’ve happened to you. Then there are days when you feel quite calm. On other days all you can do is cry uncontrollably and feel as if you will never ever be normal again. My perception of life changed completely, and things that were important in the past don’t mean anything any more.

ML May 15, 2014
 
Clay and Bud
  Clay dying was the most tragic thing that could've happened to me.  Most seriously and beyond explanation.   I wake every morning with gratuity for my life then follows quickly a deep and overwhelming sadness.   I fight this and have to draw on every part of my soul to find the part of me that seeks joy.  It's a chore and one that most would need to be beaten like a slave to accomplish.   But I do.  I do it.  Because I love clay so very much.  He gives me strength. i know now because he shows me that losing one amazing life is enough.  No need to waste mine too.  I owe it to him and to bud and to john and to my sister and father and kyle and the team at work to keep going.  I know I won't ever lose the memory of clay but something inside me refuses to let go of the fried.  Be it fear of perception of others that I don't love him enough. Perhaps a worry I won't remember something important about him or just out of selfishness.  I don't know. This is the struggle/dilemma I have to work through everyday.  Why the universe thought I was strong enough I'll never know.  Or perhaps the universe wasn't sure and now I have to prove myself.  I still do not know.   All I know is I would give back every second at work, moment of worry, moment of toil to have my baby back.  After writing that perhaps I didn't offer up enough.  But in retrospect I feel as though we led the lives we were supposed to.   .  I enjoyed him as a much as I could and was cognizant every second he was speaking or even near me that this may be the last time we ever see each other.  I embrace the moments of life, despite how many I may appear not to notice.  I do.  

 Jus had a thought I need to ponder.  As a mother I've tried so hard to make sure everything I do I make u n ur brothers life full of joy.  At all cost. Self sacrifice was always on the table.  Slavery or loss of limb would've been fine. As implied by my words I imagined this meant me sacrificing myself here on earth for ur joy.... Here on earth.   What if the ultimate sacrifice I could ever pay for clay to find joy wasn't slavery or loss of limb but rather loss of him here with us.  I pray he has found joy on the other side but the price is our life without him? I never contemplated the universe would take me so literally that the loss of him being here would be the price I pay...we all pay...for him to be happy.  The universe won.  It took the largest prize in return for him ....for his happiness. My .. Our price ..for his joy is the loss of him here in this world.If that is true and he is in a place of joy I would pay it a million times for his happiness.  As a mother it is all I ever wanted for him...and for you.  I'm happy to give all of me for that.  I jus regret he couldn't find it here on earth with us and hope u can find strength to stay with us and secure ur happiness here before u go to the ultimate joy we will all find....ultimately. 
malisia May 15, 2014
 
my son tommy
Well I have found this site,,,I have been looking for some kind of answer since april 13 2014. My 26 year old son hung himself. He didn't leave a note. He must have just decided he had enough. We had plans to go to lunch Monday, He was going to ride with his best friend on the motorcycles Sunday.He called me at 11 pm Saturday night  he was arguing with his girlfriend ,,,I asked him what was wrong he told me to ask her,,,I told him just go lay down and go to sleep. He said ok that's what I am going to do I love you....That was the last time I talked to him. We found him in the shed Sunday morning, I have so much guilt...I should have went to him. I wasent there for him. I have two other children, I am so afraid I will let them down somehow. I am trying to be strong but I am so weak. I can't stop thinking...what if,,, and I feel for anyone going thru this pain. I know my son did this...and its nobodys fault but tommys,,,, but i keep thinking about what he said. Ask her !  She is pregnant...she told my son it was his,,,then she told him it Was not  his,  when we had the funeral she told people she had a piece of him. But tells me she needs my D N A to know if its his baby, I can hardly function,, and she says she has to move on. She lives next door. And I see the other guy Greg at her house.  It only been a month ,,,How can I not be angry...I love my son...I miss him,, our family is trying but it is so hard. If anyone has any advice I need it, l pray for all of us that have lost,,,,
Teresa May 14, 2014
 
My Baby Girl Brianna
It is now 10 months that my daughter killed herself and everyday I bascially just walk through it with what people want me to feel and do.  I know my husband wants me to feel better so I act like I feel better.  My family mostly stays away as do others because most of the time people don't want to see that you are in pain.

The pain as others have said and I feel is unimaginalble and I fill my days with useless things just for the distraction.  If I could work 20 hours a day I would so I don't have to feel.

There are days I am so tired fo the pain, and it reaches every area of my being and pyche.  It won't let me alone, it won't let me sleep, it eats  away a little more at me each day.

Lately I think I understand why my daughter felt she could not take it anymore because I feel like that too.

I miss her so much I don't even want to be here without her.  I just wish my pain would go away.

It all came crashing down a little  more when someone from my family said it was my fault.  It tore out any of the healing and small progress I had made forward and sent me back to the beginning.

Now I have to start all over again.
Clare Haymes May 12, 2014
 
Clare haymes
My world stopped on Friday 5th April 2014, 5wks 4days ago,
I came home from work to find my 14 yr old son sobbing saying shes up stairs she hung herself.
I instantly dropped everything and ran up the stairs to find my only just 17yr old daughter hanging from the loft.
even though colouring of her and the coldness of her told me she was gone I tried desprately to get her down, I don't know how much time had passed but I was stopped by the police and told to wait down down stairs.
I was told the police had things to do and I had to wait for what seemed like life time, all the time asking if she was down.
Family started to turn up and I felt like I was on the outside of this weird bubble of make believe, this was not happening, this is not my life.
I wasn't even crying just watching everyone else's devastation, thinking go away shut up.
im still in my bubble, but more of a bubble of self misery, I feel like I'm in gods waiting room, waiting to join her, I cant think to far than a few hrs of my day cause the thought of her not being there is so overwhelming.
I miss her soooooo much, my body aches. I don't like going out at the moment makes me feel like screaming, when I here people moaning at the checkout about something, it's like shut the F--k up you have not got a clue.
I know it's early days at the moment most my days are spent either in bed or on the settee in my pjs.
Ive started counselling and hoping it will help me through this nightmare of my now life 
xxxx xxxxx May 11, 2014
 
Sons view
I have tried to commit suicide several times(im bi-polar) and whilst reading very touching post  posts, I have noticed several where mothers blame themselves because of arguments and wishing conversations had been in some way kinder. All i can offer are 2 things from my teenage self   that when we argue with our parents rational goes out the window and all we can do is use words that wound and bruise. During a rather difficult period and after days of just perpetual arguing shouting and screaming my mum asked in broken desperation, "why are you doing this to me son why take it all out on me?" all I could  scream reply several times was , "because you are there". Not just because of the physicality but because despite all the vile bitterness I knew/know that my mum WAS there for me. She still drives me nuts and we can argue in ways that would make the  joining the French Foreign an easy option but I know, as will countless other children that haven't made it, that despite it all, we are loved.   
Emily May 6, 2014
 
Hi
My name is Emily. I have hurt my mom so much over my entire life. I am 24 and have been a burden since the day I was born. I want to die more than anything else in the world, bit I see that it will only cause my mom more grief. 
Linda May 5, 2014
 
Brandon my beautiful son.
My son Brandon was suffering depression, he was 23 years old with a son soon to be 3 In April. Our grandson mom moved out of state, before she left my son and his babys mom settled on visitation. What we did not realize was how hard this would be on our son. He loved his child like a mother loves her child. in December we had his child for a whole month this was our first Christmas together after a month my son returned his child and went down hill from there. Monday Jan. 28 2014 my son texted me and ask if we could get a plan ticket because he could not do this, he also stated he needed to go to the Drs. I called the Drs who had. Seen him before and they told me it would be a day before they would know if they could take him on as a patient. Our daughters Dr. Was at her max. I then called our family Dr. I told Brandon I was working on getting him an apt. I ask if he could hold on. The on dr he had seen refused to take our son as his patient. I went home my. Son had worked with my husband that day. He seemed quiet and rocked back and forth his hand shook, when I looked at my son I had an overwhelming urge to hug him, instead I told him I love him and went to lie down with my grandson. At 12:27 my husband ran up the stairs shouting Brandon had hung himself and to let the pair medics in. It has been 3 months today since we buried him. I look at his pictures and I cry and long to have him back. We burried him 2 hours away and I hate it. My daughter tells me I need to stop dwelling on his death. Really is. She insane this pain doesn't turn it's self off. I cherish all my children. He had a beautiful smile and over 250 people at his service and I cry for the life he is missing out on and for his child he so love. Our Brandon was being attracted by demons of depression and there we no note. one minute he was here and less than four minutes he was gone forever. I have no idea how other moms deal with this. I attend church, I work and in my. Down time in my home where he passed I mourn. I would not wish this on anyone.
Rea de Miranda May 1, 2014
 
From my heart to yours
My heart breaks when I read the posts left here by parents who lost their precious children to suicide. There is no time limit on grief en nobody can tell you that you should be "over" it by now. We all work through this hell the best way we can. I wish I could reach out and hug each and everyone. Take the time you need to survive your loss. I can't tell you that it will be a year or two or ten before you feel comfortable in your own skin again. The biggest struggle is to be able to forgive yourself for not being able to save them. There is absolutely nothing you could have done to protect them but it takes a long time to reach that place of forgiveness, not only of yourself but also others you feel are to blame. Nothing you feel is wrong, it is normal in an abnormal situation.
Much love to every heart broken parent, one day you will see your babies again and that day will be glorious. 
Snorlax April 22, 2014
 
My Son Kenny Took His Life
My son Kenny was only 16 when he took his life on September 18th 2012. I remember that day when I found his dead body. I knocked on his door that morning. As I recieved no response from Kenny, I opened the door. I struggled to open it due to the fact that he had atached his head to the doorknob with a belt. I found him lying there, blue in the face with a belt around his neck and penis in his hand. Upon the Paramedics' arrival, they revealed to me that he died masturbating through asphyxiation. Supposedly, it is supposed to make your orgasms super intense, But why did my son Kenny have to do this? Every day my lost son weighs me down and I do not know how to cope with it.
michelle nagydeak April 20, 2014
 
My son left us days ago
My son was only 15 yrs old with so much to look forward too, I cannot ever fathom how he can be gone.  He left Friday April 11th 2014 and never returned.  My beautiful,sweet, strong, kind, loving son hung himself approxamitley midnight that night in the woods near our house, no note, no explanation.  The search and rescue finally found him approx 9pm the following Saturday.  Friends and family say I am not to blame there is nothing I could have done to change it, but I know that's not true, I look at his photo's and see the pain in his face, his eyes why didn't I bother to look sooner, I knew he wasn't hanging with his friends like usual, he was locking himself in his room alone, not wanting to socialize with his family. I googled it and was satisfied with what I found that he was a typical teenager doing what they do. I know it is my fault I know I could have, should have saved him, I am his mom it is my job.  Now I have to figure out how to survive the agony and give my 14 and 17 year olds a happy life.... how?
 

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