It was a lovely quiet Sunday morning, on 5 February 2006, when my life irrevocably changed in the blink of an eye. My husband and I were on our way to the shop when an emergency vehicle passed us with loud sirens and flashing lights. In my ignorance I said to my husband I wonder who died now. In the meantime the vehicle was on its way to the scene where my son Emile, 20, hanged himself during the Saturday night or early Sunday morning in a weeping willow tree in a park near our house. I will never forget those words I uttered. About a half an hour after we returned home children from the neighborhood called my youngest son to our gate. They informed him that a young man, who fit Emile’s description, committed suicide in the park. We quickly drove there. The area at the tree looked like a crime scene. Emergency and police vehicles and personnel were everywhere. The place where my son was lying was surrounded by police tape. I told the trauma officer I thought it could be my son. He led me to a body lying on the grass under the tree covered with an emergency blanket. I stood there looking at my son’s face in shock. It was like a dream, I could not believe my eyes. It couldn’t be true. I kept asking my husband if I was dreaming, it couldn’t be Emile lying there dead. Everything felt like a nightmare, the daylight was blinding and I heard a roaring noise in my head. The trauma officer spoke to us but I did not understand one word he was saying. We went home and I started phoning family and friends to tell them. Nobody believed me because I didn’t cry and told them in a matter of fact way that Emile hanged himself. The only thing that went around and around in my mind was: “It can’t be, it can’t be, my son can’t be dead. This is all a nightmare and I’m going to wake up any minute.” On the Sunday evening I returned to my senses and realized it was true. I never understood the meaning of keening, but that night I keened for hours and the weeks following Emile’s death. It felt as if I was going insane. My thoughts were in disarray and I felt anxious the whole time. The next day we had to go to the mortuary to identify him. It was the most horrid experience I ever had to go through. I could not believe he was lying dead on that cold slab of cement. It didn’t look like my beautiful son. My heart was torn into pieces and I felt like dying of a broken heart! Every day was a nightmare. A part of me died with my son on that fateful day and I couldn’t function in a normal way. I stayed in bed for weeks and all I could do was cry my heart out. Every night I was on the Internet for hours searching desperately for somewhere, where I could share this unbearable pain I was feeling. I phoned radio pulpit every day and told my story to Christian therapists over and over in the hope that someone could make it better for me. There was nothing in South Africa apart from The Compassionate Friends who helped me tremendously. There is no help for the unbearable pain a parent experience after the suicide of a child. Nobody out there understands what you are going through. There is nothing anybody can do or say to make you feel better. For months I ate almost nothing and didn’t cook or clean or did anything in the house. It felt as if I was all alone on earth. I couldn’t imagine a future without Emile. I couldn’t think properly or remember anything I did or said or what anybody else did or said. I didn’t remember anything that happened to me, I was on autopilot the whole time. The worst thing was that Emile didn’t leave a letter or anything to explain this to me. I searched everywhere like one possessed for anything that could explain why my son did this awful thing. I searched the area under the tree and in the tree for a clue. I scratched around in his clothes and searched every pocket and place for something to give me an idea why my son did this. The questions are still driving me insane. Why, what? What was wrong with my son I didn’t see? Was I so selfish and self centered I never realized there was something wrong with Emile? I still blame myself that I didn’t realize what was going on in his mind, what he was planning. What did I do wrong in his life, where did I fail as a parent?
I look at other parents with big sons and I can’t believe that Emile isn’t here any more. I didn’t just lose a son to suicide, but a friend. The sorrow and despair is indescribable, and if you don’t find yourself it that situation, you can never imagine what parents go through. I started an e-mail support group for parents who lost their children called Loving Arms. We share our heartache and support each other with encouragement and understanding.
Nobody understands this hell and they don’t know what to say to you. People in their ignorance say all kinds of stupid things to a parent in this situation. They say things like: “Your son committed suicide and that means his soul will never find rest, you have another child live for him now, you need to get over it now and carry on with your life”. And it does nothing to change the destruction in your mind it just adds to the pain and heartache. On more than one occasion I just wanted to scream out at them: “please just leave me alone, you have no idea what you are talking about. My son is dead and I don’t know why.” I was on a suicide mission of my own for months and landed in hospital after I tried to overdose with tranquilizers.
Nobody can come through this pain without any help. It is an emotional roller coaster ride and you never know how you are going to feel in the next moment. One minute you are in this deep dark hole of despair, and the next you feel so angry that this abominable thing could’ve happened to you. Then there are days when you feel quite calm. On other days all you can do is cry uncontrollably and feel as if you will never ever be normal again. My perception of life changed completely, and things that were important in the past don’t mean anything any more.
| Rick Ibarria | January 9, 2014 |
My son, age 23, shot himself one month ago today. He was suffering in this life and could not cope with its realities. We started losing him five years ago. He damaged his thinking with overdoses on DXM, exacerbated things with adderal and pot, got into legal problems, had violent episodes leading to short jail terms, was on probation and possibly on way to being violated and sent back, something he did not want.Our medical and legal system are not competent to deal with mental illness..
While Imwill now live with an unremovable pain for the rest of my years, I am happy to have that pain instead of him suffering an existence he could not handle.
Today we attended our first bereavement group meeting. Next week e will attend one focused on suicides. I will also see a psycholigist. Trying to do all the right things..
| jeanette | December 28, 2013 |
Antonio. He was 30 that month. He shot himself. How do I go on with outhim? He was is the most handsome man there was. His girlfriend has left him about a yearand ahalf ago. He learned to take care of his kids and did a good job of it. But little by little the mother started pulling the kids away. Antonio lived just for those kids. How do I go on without him.I start my day and end my day the same way crying. I just want to hear and see him again.I don't want to live what life I have left without him. I took good care of him when he was in my tummy I should of took good care of him now. Life has no meaning for me anymore. I just live for his kids to see them.
| vicki | December 26, 2013 |
In 2010 My then 18 year old son Michael began to have a sleeping problem, He went to the doctor to seek help for this new problem. The doctor refered him to a "sleep specialist" where she began to adminster sleep meds. Over the next few weeks she experiemented with different kinds of sleep meds. As time went on she contiued to give different meds and every 6 weeks or so she had him change to different ones because the original ones were no longer working. Once his resting pluse was over 140 she now added more pills. this time high blood pressure. The best part is that he was a personal trainer and was in tip top shape. Durning the course of the next two years he was hopiallized for taking too many Ambiens. A common problem for this drug. It seemed he knew more about the drugs being given then the Doctor did. He began to get sick all the time, vomited a lot . Each time he goes to his doctor she notes his climbing blood pressure and contiues to changes sleep meds because they no longer work. Always notes in his records as a worsening cronic condition. But yet never ever says he needs to see a different doctor. On time my husband went with him and was told that if he does not sleep he will die.
Each month it seems he grows more angry and hard to get along with. More sick
Finally the sleep doctor says nonthing else she can do for him and he now needs to see a physicist. The physicist puts him on a deadly drug called kolopin.
In March of 2013 he is hopialized for three days with total renal failure and a reaction to the sleep meds being prescibed, however he added an anit nausha med because he cant stop throwing up. After the hospital stay he goes back to the sleep doctor one more time and she now pricibs xyerem while taking ambien. The drug store stops the refil because the two together can be deadly, so she goes around the drug store and orders the drug right from the company. They to stop the refil because of the same interaction. She says go ahead and fill anyway, he takes it and gets very very sick. ( all noted in her notes) He lost 25 pounds during this time and was growing panicy, angry and tired.May 28 2013 He tells a few friends he thought about killing himself, myself included. none of us ever gave a thought to this, he was strong mined and strong willed. He said he thought about how it would really hurt the family and after not sleeping for 5 nights you dont think clearly. and he was not ready to do it anymore. Both my husband and I were very upset over this. I told him I was sorry his life has gone this way and that I loved him. Never ever did I think he could ever do what he did. He worked for us durning the day and as a trainer at night.
July 16, 2013 he got ready to go to work, exchanged a few words with my husband. Once at work, he seemed to want to argue about everything, he and my husband get into and agurement. I go to speak with him, but I cant seem to get through it was like he was on a mission. My words went in one ear and out the other, I hate him he said to me and punched a pallet and I said dont do that you dont want to go to work with a broken hand do you. He looked past me and said I am quiting, I said you do what you feel you need to and this was why I was worried about you working together, you are both alike. Again words in and out. He jumped down off the back of the truck and went into speak to his dad. I had to leave I looked through a window where he was sitting and crying. I had to go, He looked up at me and I waved, he waved back. This was 2:00 or so.
At 4:00 I had this really bad feeling over take me and I needed to call him but I didnt I was driving and figured once I got back to the office I would call.
He texted a few friends told each about the story, no one really texted back except for one, a girl who invited him out to talk. He declind and texted back " need to save money and have to be at his later job shortly" He called his pastor 2 times with no answer. about 3:45. Somewhere in the time wrote us a two page letter left it on his desk. He refferenced what had occured with his day and the arguement they had, he was tired of not sleeping and that he was stagnet. He felt a looser and could not go on. He had a realationship with god and help spread his word, and hoped he went to heaven. and that it would be selfish of us to want him to stay our son instead at peace in heaven.
Got in his car drove around the corner to a new counimmity pool in our area, pulled off to the side and shot himdelf.
The police showed up at 6:00 P.M. that we needed to get to the Kennestone Hospital. Once there we were told he will not survive this kind of an injury. They wanted to prepair us for what we are going to see. As I entered the room and saw my son my youngest son who had just turned 22 in june laying there, on deaths door. I remember urttering the words Micheal what have you done OMG over and over. I put my hand over his lifeless body and my sisterin law began to pray the lords prayer. Over the next few hours we were now faced witht he decision that life support needed to be removed. We were asked if we wanted to say until he passed, This was and is too much for any family to endure, let alone watching your son take his last breath. No a family friend and pastor stayed and waited. On our way home it was 12:55 or so and a beautiful blue shooting star shoot across the sky, I said to my husband look. He did not see it. I knew it was michael passing away. at 1:15 I received the call that my youngest son had pasted away at 1: 04 AM.
This has been the hardest 5 months I have ever had in my life, Christmas was filed with endless tears, I am at a total loss of words, Feeling and emotions.
No one should ever have to go through this, the sadest part is that a doctor who thinks she knows better missed the part that he very well may have been manic - depressed and that not sleeping was a very big sign. And thanks to the doctor who prcibed Kolopin.
The number 1 side effect of this drug is Suicide in 18 to 24 years old. # 1.
A hugh part of me died that day, every thing as I knew it is gone and I am learning how to fuction again, finally I am not so numb.
I miss you Micheal every day of my life and christams was very hard for us. I cant believe you did this. You have so much to live for. I only wish to God you could have seen it. I cant help but to feel I failed on so many levels.
I know you are with our Lord and knowing this I am about to begain my healing process, I Lean not on my understanding but on The Lord. I am so sorry my son.
I love you with all my heart son.
Mom
| Kathryn | December 24, 2013 |
Jacob has been gone for over three months I'm to angry mother from East Lansing who son got dropped off by the cops under the influence and shot himself.. It's Christmas Eve, i can't put a stocking at the end of his bed tonight, We can't open a few presents tonight.. My whole life is changed so much. Where did most of my friends go I mean are you kidding me!!!!!!! .... I have a daughter I know I need to go on for. She's the reason I wake up everyday. How come people are forgetting my son, Sending me Christmas cards without his name on them. He still my son.. This pain is unbearable and you are so alone.. I wish I could write more, Hard to believe I went to college for a while my grammar sucks... Anyway, To all the parents out there who lost a child to suicide, Or lost a Loved one. I feel what you're feeling.. Don't you hate it when people say Merry Christmas and you look at your friend like what I guess I have so much to learn living my life without my son.. You really do find out who your friends are and you find out you don't have very many shame on them... Every day is a struggle to even get out of bed .. I'm so hurt and angry I'm on a short fuse.. I just want everyone to know my son Jacob had a humongous heart he was extremely hilarious the most talented kid I've ever met.... I hope you're in heaven Jacob having the best Christmas ever.... I love you mommy | Kathy Cummins | December 18, 2013 |
I love you my sweet son, Mom
Kathy Cummins, Pittsburgh, Pa
| molther | December 7, 2013 |
associate with people because they don't have any understanding of a person of a mother going through this situation.
my head is crazy although i know a lot of his choice of life i can never get to grips of why he couldnot come home
because he knew i loved him dearly
| Jill | December 7, 2013 |
Today my son committed suicide. He was 19 years old. He came home from a night out with friends, he was extremely drunk and was in a bad mood. His Dad and I settled him down and told him to get some sleep. 5 mintutes later I went to check on him and he was gone. I had a bad feeling, maybe it was mothers intuition, but immediately i got in the car and went to look for him. I drove around for an hour and gave up. I waited up till 4am but fell asleep. At 6.45am the police knocked at my door. I thought he must have done something wrong. But instead they informed me that my son Dylan had passed away. He had hung himself in the park around the corner. A lady had found him, she tried to help but it was too late. I had driven past that park 3 times and did not see him. Why didnt I stop at the park? My son had just gained an apprenticeship as a chef. He loved his new job and was planning for the future that he will now never have. If my son had been sober this would never had happened. The last thing he said was that how much he loved me and his Dad. I dont know when I will be able to see him. They didnt tell us where they found him until he had been taken away. Dylan was my youngest child, but he was also my best friend. We were so close. Why did he do this? Everything is so surreal at the moment. I cant sleep, because all I can do is think of him, dying alone in the park. How am I going to get through this? My heart has broken. I will miss you my baby boy...my life will never be the same again. You were the kindest boy, and you will be sadly missed by anyone who ever had the privelidge of knowing you. | Jen | November 27, 2013 |
| Linda Reed | November 26, 2013 |
I lost my beautiful boy Thom one early Sunday morning 22nd January 2012, he gassed himself in his dad's car. He had just graduated from university as a physio therapist after four years, he was 23 years old.He was handsome, intelligent, funny and loved, so loved, over 300 people turned up at his funeral because they loved him, but he didn't love himself.
He had tried several times to end his life in a two year period from slitting his wrists to cutting his throat to jumping off a building, and in the end he managed to do it.
I died that day too, and it hasn't gotten any easier, in fact in the past few months it's gotten worse, the pain is unbearable, and the immense sadness too much to bear at times.
I have two wonderful daughters, three beautiful grand children and an amazing husband I am very lucky I know, but how to you overcome the losing of a child, please someone tell me how I can say goodbye when I'm not ready to let go.
He's my first and last thought every day, I hate going to bed at night because my head floods, and I hate getting up in the mornings knowing I have to live another day without him.
Coming up to another Christmas without him, seeing pictures of him with our grandson the last Christmas we had him, him never meeting our two grand daughters who he would have loved, both my daughters were pregnant when he died. He was our youngest and only son who taught me so much about having passion in your life, he loved to push the boundaries, had a passion for foreign movies, local music talent, anything not of the mainstream.
He DID leave a note, here is what he said......
I wish I could write something incredibly eloquent and insightful that enabled you to understand why I did this, but these feeling of despair have such a hold over me that it is hard to articulate.
I feel like I am living minute by minute and cannot see a future ahead. This has been my lot for quite some time; I'm going through the motions, I don't feel alive.
I have this vacant hollow place inside me, and I've tried to fill it through love, through friendship, through passion, but it still continues to envelop every aspect of my life. I don't think I'll ever feel normal, and I don't want to become a shell of a person who burdens and leeches off other people.
I'm leaving so that doesn't happen. Everything just hurts so much, I want for so much that escapes me. So much disappointment and pain and regret. My mind sabotages me and I'm just done trying to fight it.
To Mum and Dad, you are the most incredible parents anyone could ask for and I love you so much. You raised me with pure love and accepted me for who I was. This is no one's fault but my own.
I am so sorry for hurting you this way and I hope one day you can forgive me for the pain I have caused, I know that everyone will think I am selfish, but it's like there are four walls closing in around me and I can't see any other option.
To my two beautiful sisters, your children will be lucky to have you as their mums, I love you both and I am sorry for leaving and not being there to see your children grow. I am so sorry, this is no ones fault, nothing happened tonight, I am sober of mind, this was not impulsive. Please please forgive me, love to my family and friends. xxx
Like all mums I should have done more, I should have saved him, I should have moved heaven and earth, I should I should I should. Until I see you again my sweet, my heart will be in tatters, but I have to go on, you wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
| Teresa Kent | November 20, 2013 |
On 11/3/2013 my daughter, Megan Rose Kent committed suicideby putting a shotgun in her mouth and pulling the trigger. I am so
overwhelmed with anguish. I need to talk to someone.