Emile de Miranda

My  Som Myles Died. He hung himself and I found him.  We had a difficult relationship but I loved him dearly .I know he loved me also.  My first born .  That day I was not nice to him when he phoned asking for money , I think my lack of words even hurt him more.  He said is it because of Sunday mom I said yes he said sorry i said yeah then i hung up but thinking back I think he said Love you as I was hanging up the phone.  Then I phoned him back and said I will put the money in the BBQ I locked the door . I was overwhelmed with other family problems and acted like this to my son .  I pushed the last button for him to go over the edge .  I am so ashamed of myself I may as well hav tied the knot. I will never forgive myself and I don't deserve to be forgiven.. His little guy who is 9 will never have his dad because of me .  Sure he asked for a lot of help over the years but this time he was trying and he did work for the money and I forgot to pay the rent . On tuesday the landlady phoned and I said I will come on Friday with the rent . She said OK.  I dont think my son ever knew this .  He picked up his money got his methadone left the 20 dollars change in the front seat.  Was he so mad at me to flip it there and say heres your change, I know he was to humiliated to ask me for it again I should have offered ,he was between jobs at least tying coming to my house to help. why didn't I help pay more .?? Everyone says you give him too much to make him not suceed .  Well was the not giving the him money worth this !!  No it was not .  I had a few days of no phone calls from any of the boys , work has been very difficut and stressful . Going to costco and then Pick up Myles . I had left a few messages for extra wook but no answer ,I phoned wedn thursday. Friday I think I will surprise him go up say lets go for grocery . I really wanted to see him so happy to go see him .  Get of the elevator Oh my what is that smell get closer to his apartment it is worse , go in door not looked , smell worse much worse but I see garbage bags maybe it is them , starting to feel something is wrong. TV not on ,,quite..,, smell getting much worse , ,,I look to the right no Myles look in his bedroom no Myles look in Livingroom no Myles slowly look in Kitchen and see something hanging .  I say thats not funny Myles then I realize it is my son. It was like something out of a horror movie . I will never forget it .It was Friday our usual grocery shopping day and I brought his rent cheque.  I screamed and screamed and ran then wanted to run back but they would not let me .. I did not even check if he was alive but they said no way but what kind of mother does not check?? was he so mad at me he wanted me to find him hanging dead.  Thats what I deserve and My Son deserved all lot better than his family gave...Jenny.  He was my BOY  I would have never left him ever , I am not mad at you Myles just mad at myself  .Sorry  just wont cover this .

I'm really sad to read these stories. I am a 29 year old man who is desperate depressed and drowning in alcohol and drugs. I have suicidal thoughts every day but I can' do it to my family. Reading these was so sad but I know the pain they were in.I cant see life getting better. I am traumatised by the things I have done through drink and drugs. I feel a disconnection to others. Life is hard

I'm glad I stumbled across this site.  I have been in a state of shock and deep grief as I have never known before.  On July 17, 2013, my precious 17 year old son, Matthew, ended his life.  Every day is waking up to the same nightmare over and over again.  He was a kind, caring, compassionate boy who loved God and loved people.  He had a lot of friends; people enjoyed his company, and he always wanted to know how everyone else was doing.  He took on the problems of friends around him, and carried them in his heart, grieving for them.  He was generous and thoughtful.  Trouble is, he never shared the extent of his own grief.  What we saw as parents was only the tip of the iceberg.  He didn't do drugs, drink, hasn't even had his first date.  He played varsity football (though it wasn't his passion).  He mainly did it because he went to a small school and he was very athletic and liked the comradery amongst his friends.  He loved health and fitness, loved his family.  He hated to disappoint people, and recently had a splaterring of various disappointments and commitments he was not going to be able to fulfill.  I can't say for sure what his reason was, only that he is only 17, and his problems seemed insurmountable and in a moment of weakness...both physically, mentally, spiritually, he decided to end his pain.  I know if he had a second chance, he would not have done this, because he would never want to cause pain to anyone.  At 17, the brain is not fully formed, not able to make adult decisions or see that when we are low, it is just a moment in time, that things will get better.  Nevertheless, I find myself living life in a fog of grief, sadness, guilt, shame....wishing I could have seen what was lying underneath.  I'm trying to hold onto my faith in God, that Matt is in heaven...Jesus was his hero...I never in a million years would think my baby boy would no longer be with us, I struggle with wanting to keep living...everything seems so pointless.  But my husband and I also have a 20 year old daughter to worry about.  Kat  Mayberry, your story, along with others has touched me.  I am grieving with you.  I'm so sorry for your tremendous loss of a special gift and treasure.  I pray that God will give us peace that passes all human understanding, that we will eventually find the strength to see past this looming darkness and try to help others and save lives.  Our world is a discouraging place nowadays.  I was looking at some of the songs that my son had on his Ipod and was shocked to hear how many popular songs speak of self destruction.  Too many teenagers are discussing suicide as an option.  We need to change this.  My eyes burn with all the tears I am shedding everyday, but I want my son's life to count for God...I don't want him to be forgotten....I want to help.  I don't know what that looks like....but we have GOT to help these teens and young adults.  My prayers and love are for every one of you who have lost a child.  Thanks for listening.  The picture I'm posting of him was recent...He took a friend to Junior/Senior banquet.  Matt should be enjoying his senior year, makiing plans for the great future he would have had if he had only realized that his sadness was just a moment in time.  

October 22 2012 my life ended but yet I still breath.  My sweet loving caring and compassionate 19-year old son Wyatt hung himself in his closet.  He helped me cook dinner that day.  At 10:00 pm his head was down and I asked him if he is okay and with his head still down he shook it left to right and I kissed the back of his head and asked him if he wanted to talk about something.  He said no "I am just tired:.  Those words haunt me becasue what that translated to is I am tired of living.  He got up and I kissed anhd hugged him in the kitched and told him I am in my room come talk of you want to.  He hugged me and said he loved me.  There was no life in the hug.  He went right into his room and hing himself with his shoelace.  At 11:00 pm I went to check to on him and knocked on the door and no answer I opened it slowly whispering his name, Wyatt are you asleep?, just in case he was. prior I had such a bad feeling that I had to come check on him.  As I opened the door I could see both feet and I nudged them saying you are too old to hiide from mommy. No movement and I turned the corner and found my beautiful baby boy hanging from his closet pole with his bottom a foot from the ground head tilted and a serene look on his face, the cord sideways towards his ear cutting the life from my baby.  I screamed and screamed my neice Joyce jumped out of bed and was not awake and aware of what I am screaming about and I kept scremaing Wyatt hung himself Wyatt hung himself get the scissors to cut him down.  She went into action and started CPR and called 911 and I ran from his room the pain so deep and sharp.  We bring them into this  world withphysical pain and our reward is this beautiful life we gave and when he left the world my pain was both emotional and physical as it was the day I gave birth to him.  I don't want to live without him.  I read these posts and I read the same thiings about each child who took his/her life.  Most all are men/boys, they are all gentle and kind spirited as was my Wyatt.  It is as if the world was a very harsh place for him.  I also read that they were close to their mothers, they all had depression and most of us knew of it. My son self medicated and tried to kill himself by doing crazy dangerous things and taking every illegal and legal high he could get. For 5 years I tried to save him.  He told me of the abuse by my ex-husbands nephew.  We married in 2003, this kid, 4 years older than my Wyatt came to live with us whne his Dad dies of a massive heart attack at the age of 53. We had been married only 6 months when this monster came  into my home and I welcomed him with open arms and treated him like my own child.  He was bigger and 4 years older than my son and the beatings and verbal abuse began immediately.  I worked long hours and I watcheda happy 12 year old turn dark and introverted where he was once outgoing and happy.  He was getting into trouble at school and his grades were dropping.  I too punished him as I did not know. I can not imagine the pain he must have gone through.  The one person he trusts is also making him feel bad.  He finally told me at the age of 14 and I can tell you I raised the roof.  That kid was out and never welcome again until he sought counseling.  I got Wyatt into counseling.  He was in suicide ideation twice or as they call it rehab it is worthless.  They focus so much on the results of the problem that they neglect the problem.  Drugs are not the probelm with these kids its the depression and feeling worthless that is the problem.  Wyatt had a beautiful girlfriend when he took his life.  His pain and the darkness won out.  He wanted all the things a 19 year old wants, a girl who cares for him, a mom who adored him and a future.  The depression would not let him have it.  He refused traditional anti-depressants and said he can beat it .  He ssaid he sleeps then wakes up aand its a better day.  He really tried.  He stopped doing street drugs and was looking towards college and we talked about it the day he killed himself.  He smiled and laughed but it was all a facade.  He tried to be "normal" but he lost his battle with depression and I lost my sweet baby boy.  It is when they stop self mediating and hurtuing themselves and talk about having a life is when they take their life.  When you think they are doing better watch them like a hawk.  They are planning to die.  That is why he was happy.  He made up his mind to do it and he was releived.  We have the hard job...we have to go on living without them.  I have a lot of guilt.  How  come I could not see it what was right under my nose.  My ex-husband did not believe him.  It became the Lisa and Wyatt show against the Ryan and Dion show.  I did not have the 18 year old arrested becasue I had no idea at the time how bad the abuse was.  He never ever did anything in front of me, either of them; my husband was here and allowed it to go on.  He was my only child and I selfishly think I will neer be a grandmother.  It makes me cry harder.  My losses are so many.  Wyatt was a beautiful human being and what I am reading here in these posts are the same.  Those who take their life are sweet, sensitive, outgoing, funny, loved by so many friends, have momswho would take their pain if they could, the world is harsh for them, they are "old souls".  I feel as if I know all of the moms here becasue we have are bond through the loss of our sweet babies we could not save.  I am  tortured and will never be whole again.  I don't want to hear it will get better. It won't, not when a big hole has been pulled away from your soul.  Your soul is missing that what makes us whole as a Mother.  I will never be the same and we have to live the rest of our lives without part of us.  No.  No one  can tell me it will be okay I don't believeit.  I do believe I will see him again and that he is with me even now watching over me.  When things are bad and I am in the closest where he took his life and been crying so hard the snot is running down my neck and I am in so much pain that nothing or  no one can console me I feel a calm warm come over me.  Like a hug and I am calm down.  It is  Wyatt.  Read about near death experiences.  We will see our babies again which gives me some comfort.  I also believe in Karma and those that hurt him will have to answer for it.  Please read about near death experiences.  One guy was dead for 90 minutes and his journey was amazing.  My Dad just dies May 18 so I lost my son and Daddy in 7 months.  He talked to me Mom like she was right there (she passed away 7 years ago) and a week before Wyatt died the white balls of light were all over my house I caught on filmm.  Some are very large and in the photos look like comets as they are moving.  I can see them breifly with my own eyes at times.  It is our loved ones.  This life is NOT the end but the beginning.  There is so much more waiting for us.  I await my turn.

This is my first connection to any internet site connected to the suicide of my 28-yr-old son.  

He walked quietly out of his father's door on July 23rd, and we found him several hours later with a fatal gunshot wound to his head.

Sometimes I behave like a robot going through the motions, but inside, I am dying a never-ending death.  The guilt.  I tried to help him through his depression the best way I knew how, but looking back, I think I must have been wrong, and it had to be my fault.  As he told me once, "But you're my mom!"  I should have been able to make everything right just by that fact alone. I loved him so dearly, and I KNOW my life will never be the same.  But will I get through it and be able to turn it to something positive?

I LOVE YOU, JACOB!  YOU ARE SO AMAZING!!! 

Mom 

My 29-yo son took his life on Monday, August 12th, and as you can imagine the pain is suffocating.  We have family here, my sisters are doing their best to keep me busy, but it's the alone times.....  He was a sweet old soul, not at all like his sister and brother who are hard-headed and strong.  Ben was soft, warm, caring, very sensitive and a good son.  He was supposed to come over on Sunday, he was going to give me his Wii so I could stream videos.  He was going to set it up for me.  When I messaged him he said he felt "discombobulated."  He said he would come over the next day.  I talked to him on the phone, he was quiet, sounded like he wasn't feeling well.  I told him to get some sleep, I asked if I could come over, he said no.  The police did a welfare check on him the next day, he was already gone.  

As any parent in this situation knows, I keep thinking I should have gone over there anyway, plopped on his sofa and refused to leave, but I didn't do that.  I didn't do enough.  I wasn't there for him.  Nobody was.  His sister and brother are beyond devastated with the same feelings.  I have to work thru this with them, it is so hard.  I would give up everything if I could just talk to him and hold him again.  

We are having a small get-together tonight, just our family, a little food, prayer, fellowship, and we hope this can bring some comfort.  We will be outside in the yard he loved, hope he can see us, hope he knows how much he brought to this family and the world he lived in.  We will scatter his ashes at one of his favorite fishing holes.

Will go to a Compassionate Friends meeting next week.  I have no idea how to put one foot in front of the other, but I will. The idea of committing suicide is so foreign to me, not only because I know it always gets better, but because of the devastation and pain it would cause my family.   The pain he felt must have been horrible, and I can only hope he is lying in God's arms, at peace, free, and I hope they have a good lake up there where he can catch that one that got away.  

It's been three  short years since my son passed away! Everyday still seems like yesterday!Jeremy came over Saturday night around 10:30.It was a beautiful warm summer night June 27,2010. Jeremy wanted me to listen to this song,he said it reminds him, of him and me.It was called RUNNING MY MOMMA CRAZY. I listened to it and smiled and told him yes it did! We were sitting outside,life was good. I was going on vacation the next day to Florida. I turned my cell phone off that night trying to get some extra sleep,so when I awoke that morning it was about 9 oclock.I turned my phone on and seen a message from my son I had missed. (The message said I'm sorry for being a bad son! I love you Mom,its nothing you did wrong raising me!  I tryed to call him back,the phone just rang.I called back again,it went to his voice mail so I thought he went to bed early that Sunday morning! At 9:15 AM I got a knock on my door.It was the police.They asked me did I have a son named Jeremy.I said yes ,why? The detective looked at me and said,theres no other way to tell you this, that my son shot himself early that morning.I looked on my cell phone,he texted me at 6:20. They said he died at 6:22. He had friends there with him that morning! What happened to make him do that? I still to this day have no answers.The girl that was with him will not talk to me!! The WHYS  will never go away! I have begged and begged God to bring him back!! I go to the cemetery and talk to him to come back!! But I know he never will! I"ts a nightmare that never goes away!! I pray for all of you who are going throught this pain, that no one but us understands!! My heart goes out to you!!  

My boyfriend's brother passed alomst 6 yrs ago. he was 21 yrs old. He hung himself in his parents garage. The night before his death he had gone out with his closets friends, they partied and drank but they didnt use drugs just drank alot. Well that evening He called my  boyfriend to come over cause he needed to talk to him but my boyfriend didn't go cause his girlfrind at that time was out doing whatever and he was trying to find her. My boyfriend and his brother had got into an arguement and that was the end of the conversation. It was around 4am or so and he received a phone call from one of his parents, i'm pretty sure it was his dad telling him what had happened. His brother did this while on web cam , there was a girl he had been dating on the other end watching. she called 911.
When my boyfriend got to his parents house he was tackled and held down by officers. Until the other I had always thought he never went into the garage but he just told me that he did see his brother hanging and that the image is burn into his head.

We have been in a serious relationship for over 3 yrs and we have a 2 yr old daughter. We grew up in the same neighborhood so I knew his brother.
I can see the pain in my boyfriend and I know he is still greiving and he blams himself. he's depressed over the whole situation.
I want to help him but I dont know what to do. we have talked about it to some degree but I dont want to push the issue. He cries and I can tell that he's very angry and has alot of depression.
But being that is been 6yrs and he still suffers from  the pain as if it happened yesterday.
Also about 2 yrs ago we moved into his his parents house "not with his parents" they bought another home. So now here we are living in his childhood home. My boyfriend soends alot of time in the garage working on random stuff.His brothers friends come over and they all just hangout in the garage. The gargare is the "man cave".
My daughter talks to her uncle too. she talks about him often. infact she has conversations with him and about a month ago she had a juice box and I want to help her put the straw in it and she NO! uncle james will help me..
So I dont know if being here is helping my boyfrind cope or making it worse. I don't know what to do but I do know that my friend needs help.

My son Matthew committed suicide on 07/13/13...he was 23 years old.  He was my best friend, by buddy.  We talked 3 times a day, every day.  He would call me with such joy in his voice to discuss his day at work, and always called me on his lunch break and before he went to bed.  I never saw this coming...on the day he ended his life, he called me and told me he was sorry, wanted to make amends and that he loved me.  I explained that he did nothing wrong so there was no need to apologize and that I loved him too.  I had no idea where this conversation was going until his phone disconnected not once, but twice, and then when I asked him what was going on he told me the rope around his neck was hanging up his phone as he had his earpiece in.  I started screaming for him to stop, telling him I loved him and begging him not to do this...I told him I was on my way and hung up.  My daughter beat me to his house, as I called her as she was closer to his home..and she called me screaming as she found her brother hanging in his garage.  My life as I knew it ended at 9:11pm...my boy was gone!  I know it is fresh, but I cannot imagine my life without my boy.  He was 6'7" of pure love and had a heart of gold. The attendance at his wake was well over 500 people, all sharing stories of his beautiful life and how he helped them at one time or another.  His friends called him Dr. Phil..as he was always willing to help someone with their problems, but he could not deal with his own.  I may never know what was the reason he took his life, and I try not to waste any time figuring it out as it will not bring him back.  I have two beautiful daughters who I have to remain strong for.  Someone told me that people who commit suicide do not do this as punishment for anyone, but rather to find peace for themselves...and I have to believe that.  My boy would never hurt me or his sisters.  He will welcome me at the gates when I get called home. Until then, he is with his grandma, my mother, whom he loved so much.  I will try to live strong, and make my son proud, like he made me proud to be his mother.  Rest in peace my buddy, my boy, my guardian angel.  Until we meet again.. Mom

May 7th my life was put on a hold pattern. It was time for school and i asked my five year to go get his brother. He returned and said mommy you need to se this.  Matthew was 17 and two weeks away from fininshing his senior year when he hung himself. Everyday I feel like i am waiting for the do over. The why didn't I, the what if's are all making me sick. i'm trying to work. I'm trying not to be afraid of raising the next three. I can't help but think sometimes i would rather die than than live this death. He was so pretty, so sweet, so kind. Everyone says it's not your fault. No matter how many times i am told that, there is not an hour that doesn't go by that i don't think there was something i should have done different.