How do I live with my son's suicide?
It was a lovely quiet Sunday morning, on 5 February 2006, when my life irrevocably changed in the blink of an eye. My husband and I were on our way to the shop when an emergency vehicle passed us with loud sirens and flashing lights. In my ignorance I said to my husband I wonder who died now. In the meantime the vehicle was on its way to the scene where my son Emile, 20, hanged himself during the Saturday night or early Sunday morning in a weeping willow tree in a park near our house. I will never forget those words I uttered. About a half an hour after we returned home children from the neighborhood called my youngest son to our gate. They informed him that a young man, who fit Emile’s description, committed suicide in the park. We quickly drove there. The area at the tree looked like a crime scene. Emergency and police vehicles and personnel were everywhere. The place where my son was lying was surrounded by police tape. I told the trauma officer I thought it could be my son. He led me to a body lying on the grass under the tree covered with an emergency blanket. I stood there looking at my son’s face in shock. It was like a dream, I could not believe my eyes. It couldn’t be true. I kept asking my husband if I was dreaming, it couldn’t be Emile lying there dead. Everything felt like a nightmare, the daylight was blinding and I heard a roaring noise in my head. The trauma officer spoke to us but I did not understand one word he was saying. We went home and I started phoning family and friends to tell them. Nobody believed me because I didn’t cry and told them in a matter of fact way that Emile hanged himself. The only thing that went around and around in my mind was: “It can’t be, it can’t be, my son can’t be dead. This is all a nightmare and I’m going to wake up any minute.” On the Sunday evening I returned to my senses and realized it was true. I never understood the meaning of keening, but that night I keened for hours and the weeks following Emile’s death. It felt as if I was going insane. My thoughts were in disarray and I felt anxious the whole time. The next day we had to go to the mortuary to identify him. It was the most horrid experience I ever had to go through. I could not believe he was lying dead on that cold slab of cement. It didn’t look like my beautiful son. My heart was torn into pieces and I felt like dying of a broken heart! Every day was a nightmare. A part of me died with my son on that fateful day and I couldn’t function in a normal way. I stayed in bed for weeks and all I could do was cry my heart out. Every night I was on the Internet for hours searching desperately for somewhere, where I could share this unbearable pain I was feeling. I phoned radio pulpit every day and told my story to Christian therapists over and over in the hope that someone could make it better for me. There was nothing in South Africa apart from The Compassionate Friends who helped me tremendously. There is no help for the unbearable pain a parent experience after the suicide of a child. Nobody out there understands what you are going through. There is nothing anybody can do or say to make you feel better. For months I ate almost nothing and didn’t cook or clean or did anything in the house. It felt as if I was all alone on earth. I couldn’t imagine a future without Emile. I couldn’t think properly or remember anything I did or said or what anybody else did or said. I didn’t remember anything that happened to me, I was on autopilot the whole time. The worst thing was that Emile didn’t leave a letter or anything to explain this to me. I searched everywhere like one possessed for anything that could explain why my son did this awful thing. I searched the area under the tree and in the tree for a clue. I scratched around in his clothes and searched every pocket and place for something to give me an idea why my son did this. The questions are still driving me insane. Why, what? What was wrong with my son I didn’t see? Was I so selfish and self centered I never realized there was something wrong with Emile? I still blame myself that I didn’t realize what was going on in his mind, what he was planning. What did I do wrong in his life, where did I fail as a parent?
I look at other parents with big sons and I can’t believe that Emile isn’t here any more. I didn’t just lose a son to suicide, but a friend. The sorrow and despair is indescribable, and if you don’t find yourself it that situation, you can never imagine what parents go through. I started an e-mail support group for parents who lost their children called Loving Arms. We share our heartache and support each other with encouragement and understanding.
Nobody understands this hell and they don’t know what to say to you. People in their ignorance say all kinds of stupid things to a parent in this situation. They say things like: “Your son committed suicide and that means his soul will never find rest, you have another child live for him now, you need to get over it now and carry on with your life”. And it does nothing to change the destruction in your mind it just adds to the pain and heartache. On more than one occasion I just wanted to scream out at them: “please just leave me alone, you have no idea what you are talking about. My son is dead and I don’t know why.” I was on a suicide mission of my own for months and landed in hospital after I tried to overdose with tranquilizers.
Nobody can come through this pain without any help. It is an emotional roller coaster ride and you never know how you are going to feel in the next moment. One minute you are in this deep dark hole of despair, and the next you feel so angry that this abominable thing could’ve happened to you. Then there are days when you feel quite calm. On other days all you can do is cry uncontrollably and feel as if you will never ever be normal again. My perception of life changed completely, and things that were important in the past don’t mean anything any more.
Your story
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I feel broken without my son.
My son, Brandon Thomas, took his life on May 29, 2012, after struggling with a condition called chronic Blushing for 5 years, 4 of which he suffered in silence. He had lived with this condition for 4 years in secrecy due to the shame that accompanies this condition. Eventually the condition beat us to the punch, and my son jumped from the 11th story balcony at the UW. Since we shared his story back in July after his death, we have received over 500 emails from other chronic blushers who have voiced identical stories of how debilitating this condition is. Many have been unable to form relationships, or succeed in careers. Many turn to drugs and alcohol. Many just isolate from the world so that they don’t have to work so hard to control the condition that controls their lives every second. Some have also voiced that they were looking for ways to commit suicide until they came across our website www.chronicblushinghelp.com. The website helped bring them hope.
I am happy that we have been able to help others but I wish more that a website would have been available to help my son. I feel like my life has come to a screeching halt. I read all of your stories and it breaks my heart because I know you all feel like I do. Some seem to embrace life after the loss better than others. I wish I could embrace life but I can't. Brandon has a twin brother so I have to pretend to embrace life, but inside I also want to die because the pain is ridiculous. I have come very close to following in my son's footsteps but I don't want to cause my living son anymore pain. It is hard enough to see the pain he is already living with due to the loss of his twin. I don't want to add more pain.
I talked with my son about suicide a few times letting him know how devastating it would be to lose him because I knew how depressed he was. He always told me he would never do anything. I feel so abandoned and betrayed by my son. We were very close, or so I thought. Now I don't know that I ever knew him at all.
I have stopped attending support groups because it seems like time does not heal this wound and I only leave feeling hopeless. I have lost faith in everything and feel very calloused now. I really hope that the pain will diminish because I feel like I am doing time in a prison. I want to feel joy again. I owe that to my living son.
How do I go on?
My son Erik was 30 when he committed sucide on 8/30/2012. My son was in the army. He had been in the army for 5 years and in those five years he was stationed here at Ft. Hood texas where we live. He had been deployed three times in those five years twice to Iraq. He had just made staff sergeant last year. He was not the type to kill hiself. He loved life and living to the fullest.I was very proud of him and his accomplishment. Even though I never really told him. My son and i didn't really get alone to well. I guess we were to much alike but he would always call to say hello are to check up on me ,our conversation was always short and brief. Last year he called me from Afghanistan and he and i talked for hours that's something we never done before. He came home in may and he was different. He had been different since he went to Iraq the last time. He was wonded by an IED. He stayed in the hospital in Germany for a few weeks to recover from his wounds. He left in May after coming home to visit.Then he headed for Ft. Lewis.
Little did I no that I would't see him again alive. He called me in July to say that he loved me and every other day after that we would text each other. He had just returned to Ft Hood after serving a year in afghanistan. On 8/29/12 I received a call from his commander saying that he had no returned to work after lunch. I knew something was wrong but he wouldn't tell me what. I called my son on his cell phone and he answered but he was like a crazy person. He cursed at me and said horrible things to me. I didn't understand what was going on he had never done that before. I hung up and called him again and again he did the same thing but he said he was going to do what I always wanted him to do kill hiself. I told him no that's not what I wanted but he wouldn't listen instead he continue to curse so I hung up. The next morning my daughter called and said he killed himself with a friends hand gun. I feel so much guilt,hurt and shame thet he died thinking that I didn't love him. No one knows what i'm going through. I isolated myself from family and friends because they feel that I should let go and enjoy the two childrens i still have. He lleft three kids behind that he loved so much. How can I get through this. My life feels like it's over. I can't go a minute of the day without thinking about him and the last word he said to me. I hate myself for hanging up on him. I hate that I didn't do enough to convince him to live. I didn't think he would do it. I thought he was just frustrated and tomorrow he would call and apologize and everything would be alright.
why do i feel like i want to die
,my son was charles he passed away november 18,2012 at 1;45am . i raised my son on my own for those 24 years of his life, we were the best of friends, you couldnt see one with ount the other. we did every thing together, he showed me how to play video games, work a computer,do emails every things. he was very bright, into sports and had tons of friends. the young man how a models body tall slim build, but muscular, beautiful round eyes that will melt your heart most of all he was so kind warm hearted,a lover of life, sweet, i used to ask god where did he come from, hes not like to days young men at his age growning up in new york, he was a gim. i was always afraid that god will take him back, so this world we live in wont harm him, charles was the light in my life the sparkle the the stars, the moon beem. the was all so much a part of me., when he passed a great part of me died to, i dont know what to do, i dont know how to move on, i feel lifeless, i cant eat cant sleep, i feel dead im afraid, i lost my every thing. need help.
My Son is gone, too
I wish there were answers I could share to help all of you, including myself. Our son, Matthew suicided April 10, 2012, only 40 years old ( GWTH.) He's faced some serious rejection from important people in his life, the latest being a girlfriend he thought he could rescue from heroin. He came from a good home... all we had was for our childrens welfare. He was so soft hearted and naive. She took all his money and booted him when he went to rehab. We are still in disbelief and wondering how we can go on. God bless every one of you who's dealing with suicide death of a child. We know we have to keep living for the rest of our family... we have to be selfishly good to ourselves to deal with this kind of pain. God bless you all.. we are walking this path together
Pam
My son
My oldest son was 18 in1998 when he had a car accident and was killed instantly. I thought I would never make it through thatbut I did after many years of grieving. I cried a river over him now I have another loss of my youngest son on Oct30,2012 he hung himself at his house. He did leave a note but he was taking someone else meds for bi polar when he was not bipolar. I know he was drinking too. He was married and his wishes were to be cremated and no autopsy was done. I wish I could have made them do an autopsy. Now I feel guilty that I was not aware of his depression he had just got a new job after being unemployed almost a year. They he and his wife told me to not call them anymore. I feel so extremely sad because I truly loved my son and would have done anything to help him. He pushed me away and I did not want to be the mettling mother in law maybe I should have been one then I would not be suffering this horrible pain...I do not understand God at times...
hurting
My son was 34 years old when he shot himself with a rifle in his mouth. He was smart, funny, caring, and loving. I had been an electrician and he chose that for his profession also. My son lived in Massachuseets, I was living in Florida with my daughter, son, and mother who was an invalid. My son had started to see his old girl friend from high school who had been married but was then divorced. She had two children. He was happier than i had ever seen him with his little family. He asked me to come up there but i said to wait a week. I did not have the money to go but i did not say that because he had brought me to his house for a cancer operation shortly before that and paid for everything. I never knew anything was wrong. He never seemed sad or depressed, rather always happy and strong. I got a call a few days before I was to go to Massachusetts where he lived I got a call from my daughter who also lived in Massachusetts. She said, "Mom something awful happened: Rick's dead. I still feel pain when i think about that call. My son had seemed very happy with his girl friend and her children. He worked overtime and put all his money in the bank because she wanted a house. He saved a year and then put her name on his bank account. Two weeks later, she broke off the relationship when he returned home from work. He was dead fifteen minutes later. He did not leave a note. That was on September 18 2008
It's difficult to believe that he did not think about me or his brothers and sisters. I loved him so much, I always thought he and I were soul mates because we were very alike. I am lonesome with him gone even though I have other children and grand children. There is a hole im my heart that no one can fill. I go through the motions of life, probably seem okay to other people but i really do not feel anything. I have no one to talk to other than my family and they don't want to hear it. I guess the worst thing about this is knowing I'll survive.
25th Birthday
So, yesterday was our son's 25th birthday. He was in rehab for the 3rd time and we were going to go for a visit but got a call on Thursday. Rehab said he was found using but wouldn't kick him out because he was honest about his use. He has been fighting this demon call heroin for about three years now. He called Friday night and was very ugly to me, using all kinds of language so I passed the phone to my husband who told him we were not going to visit only to have a fight about him coming home or not. We wanted him to finish the program, only 21 day and then on to a half way house. On his birthday at about nine a.m. our phone rang and it was the rehab facility. We both assumed he was being kicked out but were to find out that he hung himself. I can't describe the pain, but as I read here I see that you all know this pain too well. Where do you go from here? I'm mad at God, I'm angry with the rehab facility - what were they doing anyhow?, we of course are blaming ourselves. What is the reason for this? He left no note, we have no clue except that the drug got the better of him and he couldn't see clearly. I"M LOST.
My only Son of 22 years took his life
A parents worst nightmare manifested in my life on September 17, 2012. I was in the bathroom cleaning up when I heard a call from my 30 year old daughter in the next room "Dad!" I knew immediately something was terribly wrong by the sound of her voice. I knew it was Phil. And I knew by the sound of her voice that he was dead.
Phil had never talked about suicide. He was a brilliant, tall and good looking kid and all the kids loved him. He had many friends who revered him for his intellect and his inspiring "Tony Robbins" like demeanor. Aside from all of the good things going on in Phil's life, he had a heroin addiction which stemmed from his first morphine experience at 13 when he had his appendics removed. He could never stay away from the opiates even after many successful treatment programs and then one afternoon either in a fit of rage or deep depression and pain, he shot himself in the head. My youngest daughter found him slumped on the floor. I feel so bad she had to find him that way. My feelings are two-fold; one of deep loss and sorrow and one of anger for doing it in my daughter's home.
In any event I cry everyday. I can not go through the hour without being reminded of my Phil. I love him so much and miss him like crazy. Whatever shall I do now? I am trying to go on but life seems to have lossed its luster. I have relgious people tell me he is in heaven with God but I don't know that and they don't either. It's something they believe in so I can appreciate their sentiment.
The loss is profound. The emptiness is a gaping whole in the fabric of life that can not be restored. The one thing I have come to realize is there is not a thing I can do about it. There is no greater feeling of hopelessness than losing someone to death. I have hoped he would give me some sign that he is okay. But so far I am waking up with the emptiness I went to bed with.
I am so emotionally engaged by the shared stories here. I now know first-hand the pain of losing a child. I am sorry to the depths of my soul to all of you for your loss of someone so precious. I hope your days become filled with light and laughter again.
Dave
Nickai
Live is hard at times, and as we realize now it is not fair. But I love live with everything it has to offer, the good and the bad. My son may have had some problems, like any young adult but we just seemed to look past them I guessv or didn’t think too much about them because he was always smiling & laughing, his smile and laughter always seem to fill the room. But we do not have that anymore, were only left with the what if’s.
You see my son committed suicide on the 29th of Oct 2012 he was only 23 years old. I have worked and live here in Afghanistan for the past two years, but we talked back and forth you know. My oldest son called me that morning, which was my night crying saying “dad Nickai’s gone, Nickai’s gone dad! I said calm down, and I asked him again, son what do you mean Nickai is gone. He said “he died” I can only remember crying saying No! No! He’s not gone, and the days since then have just been a blur. I’m still stuck here in Afghanistan trying to get home. I don’t know what to do the pain is unbearable and I am waiting to wake up. He was loved by so many Why?
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