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How do I live with my son's suicide?

                                                      

It was a lovely quiet Sunday morning, on 5 February 2006, when my life irrevocably changed in the blink of an eye. My husband and I were on our way to the shop when an emergency vehicle passed us with loud sirens and flashing lights.   In my ignorance I said to my husband I wonder who died now. In the meantime the vehicle was on its way to the scene where my son Emile, 20, hanged himself during the Saturday night or early Sunday morning in a weeping willow tree in a park near our house. I will never forget those words I uttered.   About a half an hour after we returned home children from the neighborhood called my youngest son to our gate. They informed him that a young man, who fit Emile’s description, committed suicide in the park. We quickly drove there. The area at the tree looked like a crime scene. Emergency and police vehicles and personnel were everywhere. The place where my son was lying was surrounded by police tape. I told the trauma officer I thought it could be my son. He led me to a body lying on the grass under the tree covered with an emergency blanket. I stood there looking at my son’s face in shock. It was like a dream, I could not believe my eyes. It couldn’t be true. I kept asking my husband if I was dreaming, it couldn’t be Emile lying there dead. Everything felt like a nightmare, the daylight was blinding and I heard a roaring noise in my head. The trauma officer spoke to us but I did not understand one word he was saying. We went home and I started phoning family and friends to tell them. Nobody believed me because I didn’t cry and told them in a matter of fact way that Emile hanged himself. The only thing that went around and around in my mind was: “It can’t be, it can’t be, my son can’t be dead. This is all a nightmare and I’m going to wake up any minute.” On the Sunday evening I returned to my senses and realized it was true. I never understood the meaning of keening, but that night I keened for hours and the weeks following Emile’s death.   It felt as if I was going insane. My thoughts were in disarray and I felt anxious the whole time. The next day we had to go to the mortuary to identify him. It was the most horrid experience I ever had to go through. I could not believe he was lying dead on that cold slab of cement. It didn’t look like my beautiful son. My heart was torn into pieces and I felt like dying of a broken heart! Every day was a nightmare. A part of me died with my son on that fateful day and I couldn’t function in a normal way.   I stayed in bed for weeks and all I could do was cry my heart out. Every night I was on the Internet for hours searching desperately for somewhere, where I could share this unbearable pain I was feeling. I phoned radio pulpit every day and told my story to Christian therapists over and over in the hope that someone could make it better for me. There was nothing in South Africa apart from The Compassionate Friends who helped me tremendously. There is no help for the unbearable pain a parent experience after the suicide of a child. Nobody out there understands what you are going through. There is nothing anybody can do or say to make you feel better. For months I ate almost nothing and didn’t cook or clean or did anything in the house. It felt as if I was all alone on earth. I couldn’t imagine a future without Emile. I couldn’t think properly or remember anything I did or said or what anybody else did or said. I didn’t remember anything that happened to me, I was on autopilot the whole time. The worst thing was that Emile didn’t leave a letter or anything to explain this to me. I searched everywhere like one possessed for anything that could explain why my son did this awful thing. I searched the area under the tree and in the tree for a clue. I scratched around in his clothes and searched every pocket and place for something to give me an idea why my son did this. The questions are still driving me insane. Why, what? What was wrong with my son I didn’t see? Was I so selfish and self centered I never realized there was something wrong with Emile?   I still blame myself that I didn’t realize what was going on in his mind, what he was planning. What did I do wrong in his life, where did I fail as a parent?

I look at other parents with big sons and I can’t believe that Emile isn’t here any more. I didn’t just lose a son to suicide, but a friend. The sorrow and despair is indescribable, and if you don’t find yourself it that situation, you can never imagine what parents go through. I started an e-mail support group for parents who lost their children called Loving Arms. We share our heartache and support each other with encouragement and understanding.

Nobody understands this hell and they don’t know what to say to you. People in their ignorance say all kinds of stupid things to a parent in this situation. They say things like: “Your son committed suicide and that means his soul will never find rest, you have another child live for him now, you need to get over it now and carry on with your life”. And it does nothing to change the destruction in your mind it just adds to the pain and heartache. On more than one occasion I just wanted to scream out at them: “please just leave me alone, you have no idea what you are talking about. My son is dead and I don’t know why.” I was on a suicide mission of my own for months and landed in hospital after I tried to overdose with tranquilizers.

Nobody can come through this pain without any help. It is an emotional roller coaster ride and you never know how you are going to feel in the next moment. One minute you are in this deep dark hole of despair, and the next you feel so angry that this abominable thing could’ve happened to you. Then there are days when you feel quite calm. On other days all you can do is cry uncontrollably and feel as if you will never ever be normal again. My perception of life changed completely, and things that were important in the past don’t mean anything any more.

Brenda November 20, 2013
 
Jay Edward Sayles 10/9/97-3/11/13
My son Jay committed suicide by hanging himself in the garage on the Sunday night of March 10th. He waited until I went to sleep and my room mate to get home and go to bed before he snuck out to do it. We were awakened by a police officer. Jay had told his girlfriend what he intended to do and she had told her parents who then called the police. The officer wouldn't let me out to the garage  because the paramedics were working on him. I was going crazy with terror. I finally called my parents. They arrived shortly. The paramedics were able to get jays heart started and we all rushed to the hospital praying that he would be alright. When I finally got to see him at the hospital, all hope was lost. He was brain dead. His father and I had to make the decision to pull life support from my baby. I can't even to begin to tell you the agony and loss that I feel since that terrible night. I see kids riding their bike or walking that look so much like jay, it causes me to stop and stare. I also seem to be on auto pilot. Life since he died seems empty and lifeless. I have 3 younger children to still raise and it is an uphill battle every day to even get out of bed. I have had moments where I thought that maybe someone is hiding my jay from me. This grief has completely obliterated any other feelings. I don't feel hunger anymore along with emotions such as fear. The worst has already happened. No one gets it. For the first time as a mother, I feel utterly defeated. Its been 8 months and I'm still sick from this. I never saw it coming, and he was my best friend and son.
Pat November 12, 2013
 
Goodbye. My dear son
My wonderful son has been gone for three weeks. He went hiking never to return. Intend upon ending his life after hiking far into the woods. we looked for days and found nothing. If it wasn't for his last note we wouldn't even know where he went.  He was always such an old soul. A kind young man. Why couldn't he see the extent of the love around him.  Our lives are for ever changed.  We have no body to bury no funeral home to visit. I know it will get better because it just can't continue to be this bad for long. Hug your children. Hold yourloved ones. Pray for strength. 
 
tamika Jones November 1, 2013
 
Christopher Charles Thomas
image I lost my heart my son on a rainy day
April 12, 2013
Was the worst day of my life
Christopher was my first born child
He was born
March 1, 1996
When he passed he was 17yrs 1mon and 11days old
My child also took his own life
He commited suicide by hanging himself
Why my child did such a horrible act
I will never know
I too have been told i have other kids to live for
This i know
But i dont know how to cope obviously
No one seems to really understand what i am going through
My son took his life
At home in the shed in the back of our home
His siblings found him
I wanted to see what they saw thats my son
They would not
 April 12, 2013 was the worst day of my life
My big baby gone from here forever
What do i do ????
How can i cope with his death??
Counseling didnt help at all
My children are stronger than i
I wonder where do they get their strength????
If i could turn back time........... 
martin October 27, 2013
 
ryan
why my son ......................yesterday
dawn fedeli October 25, 2013
 
I LOST MY SON TO SUCIDE NOT EVEN 90 DAYS
I CANT DEAL WITH HIS DEATH . I AM HURT ANGRY N FILLED WITH GUILT. I QUESTION GOD ALL THE TIME , N I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY I AM STILL HERE.
candi October 10, 2013
 
although different still so much pain
I am not the mother and i would not ever begin to say i know how these mothers feel!! I have three children and i could not even imagine losing one of them in any way, but suicide would be awful..my heart breaks for you all may God bring you all peace!! however suicide has affected my life in a very tramatic way! May 24th 2013 the love of my life shot himself in the head after i had tried to get him sobber for 4 days when i failed i tried to get some help and he became violent i got away from him and got out of the house to try and wait on the law and the ambulance and he locked himself in and shot himself..i will never be the same again...just wanted to share my pain although different from yalls is still life changing...may God bring healing to us all
Manuela Pina September 22, 2013
 
My son shot himself
I  am never going to get ove, I miss my son he kill himsel on 8/11/2013 I know all your pain-why I keep asking myself?????
my english is bad,,,,,,but the pain is the same as yours,,, guiltl and sorrow is in my soul every day
Kathy September 21, 2013
 
Baby boy
image My son shot himself two weeks ago today. I'm sitting in his room right now I'm exhausted and can hardly think straight. My husband thinks I should be acting the way I used to. My son was 19. Bath Township cops dropped my son off at home while he was over the legal limit of alcohol. They told him he be going to jail for over year scared him to death. He was in a fight with his girlfriend and broke a window from a car... I was home with my girlfriend.. We were talking to Jacob.. He said he couldn't live if he was going to jail.. I told him I would help him as I always did.. After talking with him for a long time.. We walked out of his bedroom to let Him rest.. I heard a noise ran into his bedroom and there he was on the floor He shot himself in the head.. I totally died with him that day.. Life will never be the same.. My baby boy is gone and I don't know how to function every day.. I have a beautiful 20-year-old daughter. I know I have to be strong for her. But I am dying inside.. My son has said he was gonna kill himself 1 million times the last four years. I have tried so hard to get him help .. But No one would listen to me.. Sometimes it hurts to breathe. I want my baby back.. Some days it feels like I'm just waiting for him to walk in the door... I feel empty lost and It's the worst pain I've ever felt......... Thank you Beth Township.... Devastated mother in East Lansing
karen ellis September 19, 2013
 
rhys
image my son rhys commited suicide on 13th december 2013 age 20 he was a lovely sensitive careing son and briother to my 3 other sons, this was a complete shock , he was a youth worker he had dreams plans for the future he was going somewhere in life. he smiled everyday there was nothing to say that he was depressed far  as we new he was the happy rhys we all new he coped with everyones problems but not his own . he new we were a close family and he could tell us anything i will never get over his death nor his brothers. it was 20 past 4 that december the 13th he dbeen to work as normal up until 4 that day me and his oldest brother had a txt saying il always love you and you deserve the best in life  we new somtheing was wrong then he never sent messages like that, he had gone up the mountain deep in the forest not to be found and he stabbed himself multiple times and he doused himself in petrol and set himself a light he died on the way to hospital i am traumatised at the way he ended his life we will never understand the pain he must have been in mentally and physically . i forgave him the day he done it as he would have never have hurt me and his briothers like he did and our pain will go on until im with my precious boy i live for my other 3 boys i got to a part of me went that day with my son and we will never come to terms with this and to all you whos lost a child to suicid eno one will ever now our pain . i wish i could have seen that my boy was suffering and i could have helped him i live with that thought everyday
Nadia Mengel September 19, 2013
 
Loosing my brother to suicide and my mom
Today it is exactly 3 weeks since my mother had passed away, not from suicide, but from grieving over her child, my brother, who commited suicide on 13 March 2012.  I read your post to try and understand what she felt like.  If I look back it is like she died the day that my brother died.  It was just too much for her and she slowly slipped away.  She and my dad spoke to him a couple of hours before he died, I so wish that I knew what was said... he didn't leave me a letter which made me feel left out.  I so longed for my mother to see that me and my two children need her, but she just couldn't.. the grief took over control of her whole life. And now I am grieving for my mother and every breath I take reminds me of her and emessed in it all is the grief and loss of my brother.  Please if you have lost one child to suicide please please don't give up...
 

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