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How do I live with my son's suicide?

                                                      

It was a lovely quiet Sunday morning, on 5 February 2006, when my life irrevocably changed in the blink of an eye. My husband and I were on our way to the shop when an emergency vehicle passed us with loud sirens and flashing lights.   In my ignorance I said to my husband I wonder who died now. In the meantime the vehicle was on its way to the scene where my son Emile, 20, hanged himself during the Saturday night or early Sunday morning in a weeping willow tree in a park near our house. I will never forget those words I uttered.   About a half an hour after we returned home children from the neighborhood called my youngest son to our gate. They informed him that a young man, who fit Emile’s description, committed suicide in the park. We quickly drove there. The area at the tree looked like a crime scene. Emergency and police vehicles and personnel were everywhere. The place where my son was lying was surrounded by police tape. I told the trauma officer I thought it could be my son. He led me to a body lying on the grass under the tree covered with an emergency blanket. I stood there looking at my son’s face in shock. It was like a dream, I could not believe my eyes. It couldn’t be true. I kept asking my husband if I was dreaming, it couldn’t be Emile lying there dead. Everything felt like a nightmare, the daylight was blinding and I heard a roaring noise in my head. The trauma officer spoke to us but I did not understand one word he was saying. We went home and I started phoning family and friends to tell them. Nobody believed me because I didn’t cry and told them in a matter of fact way that Emile hanged himself. The only thing that went around and around in my mind was: “It can’t be, it can’t be, my son can’t be dead. This is all a nightmare and I’m going to wake up any minute.” On the Sunday evening I returned to my senses and realized it was true. I never understood the meaning of keening, but that night I keened for hours and the weeks following Emile’s death.   It felt as if I was going insane. My thoughts were in disarray and I felt anxious the whole time. The next day we had to go to the mortuary to identify him. It was the most horrid experience I ever had to go through. I could not believe he was lying dead on that cold slab of cement. It didn’t look like my beautiful son. My heart was torn into pieces and I felt like dying of a broken heart! Every day was a nightmare. A part of me died with my son on that fateful day and I couldn’t function in a normal way.   I stayed in bed for weeks and all I could do was cry my heart out. Every night I was on the Internet for hours searching desperately for somewhere, where I could share this unbearable pain I was feeling. I phoned radio pulpit every day and told my story to Christian therapists over and over in the hope that someone could make it better for me. There was nothing in South Africa apart from The Compassionate Friends who helped me tremendously. There is no help for the unbearable pain a parent experience after the suicide of a child. Nobody out there understands what you are going through. There is nothing anybody can do or say to make you feel better. For months I ate almost nothing and didn’t cook or clean or did anything in the house. It felt as if I was all alone on earth. I couldn’t imagine a future without Emile. I couldn’t think properly or remember anything I did or said or what anybody else did or said. I didn’t remember anything that happened to me, I was on autopilot the whole time. The worst thing was that Emile didn’t leave a letter or anything to explain this to me. I searched everywhere like one possessed for anything that could explain why my son did this awful thing. I searched the area under the tree and in the tree for a clue. I scratched around in his clothes and searched every pocket and place for something to give me an idea why my son did this. The questions are still driving me insane. Why, what? What was wrong with my son I didn’t see? Was I so selfish and self centered I never realized there was something wrong with Emile?   I still blame myself that I didn’t realize what was going on in his mind, what he was planning. What did I do wrong in his life, where did I fail as a parent?

I look at other parents with big sons and I can’t believe that Emile isn’t here any more. I didn’t just lose a son to suicide, but a friend. The sorrow and despair is indescribable, and if you don’t find yourself it that situation, you can never imagine what parents go through. I started an e-mail support group for parents who lost their children called Loving Arms. We share our heartache and support each other with encouragement and understanding.

Nobody understands this hell and they don’t know what to say to you. People in their ignorance say all kinds of stupid things to a parent in this situation. They say things like: “Your son committed suicide and that means his soul will never find rest, you have another child live for him now, you need to get over it now and carry on with your life”. And it does nothing to change the destruction in your mind it just adds to the pain and heartache. On more than one occasion I just wanted to scream out at them: “please just leave me alone, you have no idea what you are talking about. My son is dead and I don’t know why.” I was on a suicide mission of my own for months and landed in hospital after I tried to overdose with tranquilizers.

Nobody can come through this pain without any help. It is an emotional roller coaster ride and you never know how you are going to feel in the next moment. One minute you are in this deep dark hole of despair, and the next you feel so angry that this abominable thing could’ve happened to you. Then there are days when you feel quite calm. On other days all you can do is cry uncontrollably and feel as if you will never ever be normal again. My perception of life changed completely, and things that were important in the past don’t mean anything any more.

Melinda February 15, 2014
 
My beautiful Merrick
My sweet 14 year old son, he hung himself while we were out and I found him.  I screamed and screamed-his younger brother and sister came running and saw me struggling trying to hold him up, his father came in and helped me get him down and we did CPR while his 13 year old brother called for the ambulance.  No note, no explanation, two days before summer vacqtion, had plans for the weekend...I also have gone mad trying to go through everything,every piece of paper, his books, clothes, pockets, anything that would lead me to understnad what happened.  I will never forgive myself for not knowing something was wrong.  Next month is his birthday, he would be 16, ready to drive.  He would be so excited about that.  I am sick every minute of every day.  I breathe and exsist-I try hard to do anything I can to make my two other children survive this horror, but I can't help but feel their lives will be ruined forever as well. This pain, guilt, horror is truly unbearable, a living death.
Michelle Creary February 3, 2014
 
My son Matthew
image Matthew my only child took his life by hanging in august 2007 his father also took his own life when Matthew was only 8 years old. In 20012 Matts best mate Blake whom he grew up with also took his own life by hanging. True... life will never be the same for us left behind to deal with the unbearable load our loved ones have unknowingly left us with to lug around. We have to forgive them and ourselves. 
I hate bible bashers but I know that my boy is sleeping safely in Jehovahs memory awaiting the resurrection and no longer having to suffer the pains of living in this world and I look forward to welcoming him back to life and holding him closer than he has ever been held before.
I don't know how I would have survived this if I didn't have the sure hope that we will be reunited here on earth and with the way things are looking on the world scene it won't be too long but even if it is I know it will be worth the wait for the joy being together again. I live in Australia but I know that Jehovah's Witnesses have the same message earthwide... the next time they knock on your door just ask them to show you what the resurrection hope is and to prove to you from the bible why they believe we are living in the last days and show you the promises that our loving creator has made to wipe out all our tears and suffering to the extent of us not even being able to remember how unbearable this has been for us. 
I tried to download a pic of Matthew and Blake, if I suceeded Matt is on the right aand Blake on the left.
All our boys were beautiful but just why couldn't they see the beauty that we could and why are so many of our children finding life not worth living. The answers are there for all of us that there is a God who does care enough to want us to know whats going on but its just up to us to ask him in prayer and just use his name Jehovah, tell him you need to know why? your son found this life too painful and what he as a loving creator is going to do and see what happens.
Michelle Creary February 3, 2014
 
Matthew's story
image Its just so terrible to read all of your stories but then again it also helps me so much to feel less alone. My only son Matthew lost his father to suicide when he was only 8 years old. His dad and I were no longer together but we were still friends. For 13 years Matt and I  greived alone in our own way. But as Matt reached his teens I became very concerned with the anger he was showing. He became obsessed with body building and the anger got worse as he was taking first steroids then who knows, whatever drug he could get his hands on. My husband had no time for his stepson and as we had no other family I was perplexed as to where to turn. Untill his depression turned to total madness as he believed he was being hunted by the drug world. He was so terrified he cut his wrists and was put into a clinic for a month and dosed up with, yes you guessed it....more drugs.Wow for more than 18 months i watched my beautiful only child go out of his mind. One day my husband punched him in the faace because he was being rude to me and he then tried to strangle my husband who then kicked him out and he had nowhere to live. Oh my goodness I was frantic and was so stressed that I cracked  and just ran away. By this time my son was back home and had been in another disgusting phsyc ward and all I knew was i could never put him into another one. So I just ran and ran and ran. From my angry husband and my poor depressed phsycotic son. I went out and saw bands, went to festivals,slept with anyone who just to feel held, went to work with my girlfriend who was a prostitute. Then got involved with a man and moved out leaving my son with his stepdad who was finally realising the situation.I was also going through shocking menopause. I think I was going crazy also.
On the 30th of August 2007 I spent the day at my old home with my son who was 21 by now. As he had been working 2 jobs for a couple of weeks so as to pay the debts he had for loans from the bank to buy cars. He was trying so hard to get his life under some control but I told my husband he can't work all day and all night without becoming physcotic! His reply.......He has to do it! so now here we are 2 weeks and he is again going crazy.... people trying to  killl him, everything having some hidden message. I got the social worker out to put him on meds that day and as he drives off Matthew runs out the front and jumps in front of a car, which thankfully stopped. We walk up the driveway and he jumps on me knocking me to the ground, crying and telling me I am going to be hurt but stupid, numb, running away, unable to cope,.... me thinks he is still thinking the underworld is after him and don't realise what he is saying. Oh and am I going to see dad was another thing he said. By the time my husband gets home Im outa there.... nowhere to turn for help.A couple of hours later I get a phonecall its my husband telling me come home as he cant stay awake any longer and is afraid Matt is going to do something, my response...... give him some sleeping pills and I switch off my phone! 1:00 am I wake up in a panic I drive to my old home and as I get inside look to see if the fire is still burning so as the figure how long they had been up for. Then go to Matts bed and its empty and my husbands door is shut so I go into the spare room and lie down thinking ...Oh I am glad, he must have taken Matt to bed with him. But then why is his door shut!!!! Next think I know my husband is screaming are you happy now look what you've done he has killed himself and he is standing in the loungeroom holding Matts legs to take the tension off the rope around his neck.Oh my god I will never forget the pain and yet the strange sense of peace I felt to know that my poor sad boy was no longer suffering. What followed was nothing less than a witch hunt, as I was blamed for my boys death by the people that I had been pleading for help from for years who now all of a sudden believed that my sons death could have been stopped by me coming home on that horrible night.
Truth is I could never have stopped him nor could have any of us changed what our boys did. I used to feel so guilty and for good reason, I ran out and let my only child down when he needed me most  but I know that I broke down myself. After allI though it really no excuse , but we are only human. This is a photo of Matt on the right and his childhood mate Blake who hung himself in august 2012. Damn I hate august.
 
pete davenport January 31, 2014
 
My Son is Dead...
image My oldest son Matthew killed himself on July 11,2011.  My life ended that day also.  I go through the motions of work, society etc

but I'm not really here.  Most of the time I can hardly breathe.  My capacity to breathe deeply is gone.  The only reason I am still

here is for my wife and second son Daniel.  Matthew was my joy, my hope, my right hand.  I am an alien on a foreign planet.  Its

2.5 years later and I'm still in overwhelming pain.  I cry often.  I don't care if its sunny or rainy.  It's all the same for me.  Any

semblance of strength is gone.  I'm hanging on for others.  They think I've recovered but I never will.  I miss Matthew so much.

He was 17 yrs old.  He was a straight A student and a wonderful musician.  My birthday was yesterday.  I hate every year that

passes without him.  Birthdays are an abomination.  How dare I and this world go on without him! 
Mam January 29, 2014
 
My beautiful boy
My world ended on 17th June 2013 when my beautifull boy threw himself off a cliff. He was a caring sensitive young man of 27 but to me he was and always will be my boy.  The pain I feel is relentless wrapped in the guilt of not seeing how troubled he was.  As his mother I should have seen how bad he was but I thought the love both myself and husband showed him would build him up and everything would turn out fine.  I go over his last hours, the night before we sat in the garden eating our evening meal. The following morning just passing him in the kitchen on the way out to work, then the terrible phone call on the afternoon that something was wrong.  He had sent his Dad a text telling him where he had left the car and also telling him he loved him.  I then got a text saying the same.  We couldn't get hold of him.  The police and mountain rescue searched for him but the lifeboat brough my son from the bottom of the cliff.  He had left a note in his backpack just telling us he loved us both.  We had to go to identifiy him and I must say he did look at peace. Why? Was life so bad. Why did he leave us? Such mixed feelings of guilt and anger.  I cry my husband drinks.  We will never get over this and our life sentence goes on. We miss him so much. Life doesn't matter to me.  I am finished.
connie January 24, 2014
 
my son my best friend
my son justin strangled himself christmas eve 2013 i found him in his bed i took the belt off and did cpr i knew he was gone but had too make him take my breath. he was 21 and my son and my friend we hung out all the time and i cant live without him i miss him so much i cant eat , sleep or think about anything but him.  he didnt leave me nothing not a hug or i love you mom, ive thought as far as someone did this too him he didnt do this. i feel like i cant go on and why did i have too go through this i wish i never gave birth to him then feel this. how do i go on its been a month today but feels like it just happen too me.
i dont even know why i wrote this cause it doesnt help nothing does hes gone and i will never see my boy again. 
Toya January 22, 2014
 
I miss you Malik
November 22, 2013 has changed my life.  I never could and never want anyone to feel my pain.  My 17 year old son was found dead with what was said to be a self inflicted wound.  Words cant describe how I feel. The world  seems to turn cold instead of embrace you..  People who are supposed to be family say things like hes going straight to hell. I feel so confused and lost.  Lord I pray for everyone who is or has gone through this.  Nothing like this has ever happened to anyone I know.  Dont know what to do. A pastor told me to read 23psalm and mediatate on 121psalm.  It has gotten me this far but eveeyday is different.  Thanks for this site I have people who can relate.   Continue to strengthen me in Jesus's almighty name.    
cassandra young January 20, 2014
 
My 16 yr old sons Suicide
image Sat. Nov. 2 2013 my son, Joshua, 16 yrs. old (youngest of 5) and I went to Red Lobster for dinner. We talked and he share with me that he wanted to be  a mechanic. He was in his 2nd year of Vo-tech. He went as far as to inform me where he wanted to finish his Mechanics schooling. We had a wonderful dinner... then to wal mart. part way thru we had a few words. Over something so damn trivial.... him going ahead and checking out MP3 players and I wanted him to stay with me, I was getting Christmas ideas. So I told him to go and look at the MP3s and I was getting groceries and to just give me some space. we waited for each other for a half an hr and he was not happy. On our way home we argued more and he went to bed without saying goodnight (which never happens). Next morning he had cereal then came up stairs to get the neighbors keys to check on their dog and cat (house sitting). He never said a word to me so I stopped him in the hall didn't really have words. I asked him if this was how the day was going to be(his silence)? I don't remember him saying anything so with that I told him I wanted his phone. He threw it on my bed and left. 20 SCREAMING my name and my sons, over and over. We ran to his house and I found my son sitting on the floor in the bathroom and a 22 riffle next to him and a hole in his left temple, BLEEDING profusely... I slid to him like a baseball player and wrapped my legs around him and held a towel to his wound Pleading,,,, JOSHUA, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??? over and over. We were flown to Childrens hospital. He was hooked up to life supports. We were told he failed his first test and they would test him again in 12 hrs. I held him, caressed his face and kissed his forehead, held his hand, cried and PRAYED... then beat myself up.. My fault he did this, our agruement...My heart is shredded. We were told he was brain dead and would NOT get any better. He then failed his 2nd test and I told the dr to call his time of death. 1:23p.m Nov.4 2013 . But it didn't end there. My son wanted to be an organ donor so they kept the supports on till the 5th so they could get the transplants lined up.... It was so painful to sit there with my son AFTER he was pronounced dead for another 24 hrs ( wasn't leaving him...). I live with such GUILT from that damn arguement. And it kills me to think of my boy in so much pain that he felt this was his only or best option...My son was never in trouble, tons of friends, polite, good in school, no drugs ( they did a toxicology for the organ donating) Oh ya, it was the NEIGHBORS GUN that my son used......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wasn't much good lucked up considering the left the KEY there!!!!  My heart is shredded.... I will NEVER be the same. I miss my Joshua sooo sooo much..... I don't know what to do with ALL of this sorrow, pain and saddness...

                                              Grieving mother near Pittsburgh, pa
                                 
                                      
Pam C January 19, 2014
 
Mark My Baby Boy
image Shot himself 12/25/2013, no note, he was my world, my sunshine, my heart.  I miss him, i ache so horribly inside and I hate myself for not knowing how deep his pain was.  The only thing that gives me any comfort is to tell myself that every day that I live through is one more day closer to being with him again.  I'm waiting to die, I'm a robot, do what I must to take care of everyone else & wait for death to end this pain, I was never built to be a mom (my name is Pam) and because I worried about my kids so excessivley much my baby boy called me "Pamic";  he had a life force all his own, funny, intelligent and a beautiful heart, life threw some ugly stuff his way and I couldn't protect him, I couldn't save him, that was my job in life,  to protect my children, I failed miserably. 
Jo January 10, 2014
 
Mrs.
I lost my youngest son, Justin on 11-10-2006.  Twelve days before his 28th.  He lived with us all his life. Justin was bi-polar, and was really having a hard time.  I never belived I could feel so much pain.  I stay home now, haven't left the house except for a few reasons.  My life stopped November 10th.  I sgtill cry all the time, but have learned to keep it myself.  Everyone epects that I should have moved on by now. Do I blame myself, yes! As his mother and his friend, I should have realized he had reach his ability to deal with his mental issues. What keeps me going is that I know I will see him again in heaven. 
I ask him everyday to forgive me for not being there, and that I did,t see it coming.  I would give my life to have just one more minute with him, to tell how much I love him, to hug him, and to hear him say mom, just one more time.

Love you baby-boy always and forever.  Mom

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