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How do I live with my son's suicide?

                                                      

It was a lovely quiet Sunday morning, on 5 February 2006, when my life irrevocably changed in the blink of an eye. My husband and I were on our way to the shop when an emergency vehicle passed us with loud sirens and flashing lights.   In my ignorance I said to my husband I wonder who died now. In the meantime the vehicle was on its way to the scene where my son Emile, 20, hanged himself during the Saturday night or early Sunday morning in a weeping willow tree in a park near our house. I will never forget those words I uttered.   About a half an hour after we returned home children from the neighborhood called my youngest son to our gate. They informed him that a young man, who fit Emile’s description, committed suicide in the park. We quickly drove there. The area at the tree looked like a crime scene. Emergency and police vehicles and personnel were everywhere. The place where my son was lying was surrounded by police tape. I told the trauma officer I thought it could be my son. He led me to a body lying on the grass under the tree covered with an emergency blanket. I stood there looking at my son’s face in shock. It was like a dream, I could not believe my eyes. It couldn’t be true. I kept asking my husband if I was dreaming, it couldn’t be Emile lying there dead. Everything felt like a nightmare, the daylight was blinding and I heard a roaring noise in my head. The trauma officer spoke to us but I did not understand one word he was saying. We went home and I started phoning family and friends to tell them. Nobody believed me because I didn’t cry and told them in a matter of fact way that Emile hanged himself. The only thing that went around and around in my mind was: “It can’t be, it can’t be, my son can’t be dead. This is all a nightmare and I’m going to wake up any minute.” On the Sunday evening I returned to my senses and realized it was true. I never understood the meaning of keening, but that night I keened for hours and the weeks following Emile’s death.   It felt as if I was going insane. My thoughts were in disarray and I felt anxious the whole time. The next day we had to go to the mortuary to identify him. It was the most horrid experience I ever had to go through. I could not believe he was lying dead on that cold slab of cement. It didn’t look like my beautiful son. My heart was torn into pieces and I felt like dying of a broken heart! Every day was a nightmare. A part of me died with my son on that fateful day and I couldn’t function in a normal way.   I stayed in bed for weeks and all I could do was cry my heart out. Every night I was on the Internet for hours searching desperately for somewhere, where I could share this unbearable pain I was feeling. I phoned radio pulpit every day and told my story to Christian therapists over and over in the hope that someone could make it better for me. There was nothing in South Africa apart from The Compassionate Friends who helped me tremendously. There is no help for the unbearable pain a parent experience after the suicide of a child. Nobody out there understands what you are going through. There is nothing anybody can do or say to make you feel better. For months I ate almost nothing and didn’t cook or clean or did anything in the house. It felt as if I was all alone on earth. I couldn’t imagine a future without Emile. I couldn’t think properly or remember anything I did or said or what anybody else did or said. I didn’t remember anything that happened to me, I was on autopilot the whole time. The worst thing was that Emile didn’t leave a letter or anything to explain this to me. I searched everywhere like one possessed for anything that could explain why my son did this awful thing. I searched the area under the tree and in the tree for a clue. I scratched around in his clothes and searched every pocket and place for something to give me an idea why my son did this. The questions are still driving me insane. Why, what? What was wrong with my son I didn’t see? Was I so selfish and self centered I never realized there was something wrong with Emile?   I still blame myself that I didn’t realize what was going on in his mind, what he was planning. What did I do wrong in his life, where did I fail as a parent?

I look at other parents with big sons and I can’t believe that Emile isn’t here any more. I didn’t just lose a son to suicide, but a friend. The sorrow and despair is indescribable, and if you don’t find yourself it that situation, you can never imagine what parents go through. I started an e-mail support group for parents who lost their children called Loving Arms. We share our heartache and support each other with encouragement and understanding.

Nobody understands this hell and they don’t know what to say to you. People in their ignorance say all kinds of stupid things to a parent in this situation. They say things like: “Your son committed suicide and that means his soul will never find rest, you have another child live for him now, you need to get over it now and carry on with your life”. And it does nothing to change the destruction in your mind it just adds to the pain and heartache. On more than one occasion I just wanted to scream out at them: “please just leave me alone, you have no idea what you are talking about. My son is dead and I don’t know why.” I was on a suicide mission of my own for months and landed in hospital after I tried to overdose with tranquilizers.

Nobody can come through this pain without any help. It is an emotional roller coaster ride and you never know how you are going to feel in the next moment. One minute you are in this deep dark hole of despair, and the next you feel so angry that this abominable thing could’ve happened to you. Then there are days when you feel quite calm. On other days all you can do is cry uncontrollably and feel as if you will never ever be normal again. My perception of life changed completely, and things that were important in the past don’t mean anything any more.

debbie allen April 1, 2015
 
Scotts mom
I to lost my son he took his life 6 no the ago.  He left behind 3 children a brother ,sister his dad and me. He also left behind a child he will never know. A beautiful little girl born January 8th2015.  You see my family blames his girlfriend the new babies mom. To be honest I blame her to. Even her dad gets so angry with her be put the remote through their $1500.00 TV. My son would be alive today if not for her. I know this deep in my heart.  We as a family are forever changed. My son not only took his life he took the family we can nice were.be men trying to piece our world together. Its only been 6 months since he died. The girlfriend has moved on she has a new boyfriend and is very happy. But you see Scott is gone forever he can't come back but she's happy with her new boyfriend even allows pictures of him and my granddaughter on fb. She is not a good person I'm so angry and broken please pray God gives me relief from this
Debby March 28, 2015
 
Free of Pain & Still With You!
It has been 13 yrs. since my 3rd son out of 4 sons took his life...your child was suffering as was mine. They're help wasn't here, their help was on The Other Side. Time and understanding depression as a chemical imbalance and educating yourself & then realizing that they they could not help it. I know my son loved me and our family and your children loved you too, our son was helped for 3 yrs. & the psychiatrists & psychologists & therapists & medications did not save my son. All the love you gave your child was never in vain, my son gives me signs he is around, coins in odd places, a song on the radio, butterflies, animals, birds & many more are sent to tell us that love never dies. You cannot break the bond of a mother and child!..I too did not want to live but I cannot put my family through anymore pain then what they have already endured! Time does help, I still remember that sword going through my heart & the grenade that went through our home as we picked up the pieces. I now have seen my 3 sons marry & our grandchildren too and I see that time is going faster then it was on those dark days. I look forward to the reunion I will one day have with my son and I know deep down he is free and his home will one day be mine too!! ..  My greatest wish for you is that you accept that your child is happy, free of what was troubling him or her & the knowing that Truly Love Never Dies!
carly March 23, 2015
 
mrs
My son rang me on 16th December 2013, he was working away overnight and when he rang me he had just had what he discribed to me s a massive panic attack,he could not breathe the room was closing in on him and he thought he was hearing voices,we talked on the phone for an hour , after which he sent me a text message saying thanks mum have never been so scared it was good to talk about it. He thoght I hd all the answers and I thought we would get through it , because I had heard all this before when my mum got ill 8 years earlier she was now in a old peoples homes for mental health patients. My son came home the next day and I went to his home he shared with his partner, I was angry with her because she did not recognise that he was ill and she was angry with me because she was scared and had no idea what was happening and how to cope with it all. My son was admitted to hospital on 21st december , it was his choice but he thought there would be a magiwas discharged in JJc wand and eerything ould be ok after 2 days in hospital it as obvious he could not cope with that either ,I fought to get him out he was discharged in January, he saw a counsellor and that helped him abit, or so we thought, we all tried really hard him more than anyone, on the 23rd Febuary 2014 he went out with his partner had a few drinks when they got home she went to bed ,she woke up in the early hours of the morning and he was asleep on sofa , she found suicide note and freaked out but he was only asleep and promised her it was just his way of  getting his feelings out, and when I went to see him the next day he told me all about it and told me the same but he was really worried about work and was worried about sending in another sick note and then he got  all bravado and said you only once but I got a bad feeling ang and got angry with him and said don,t you dare kill yourself and told him I had to go cause I had to see my mum. I was stressed and angry came home and picked my mum up aand she was not having good day, and when the phone went and he rang and she was here i said i would ring him back but when I took my mum back I couldent cope with anyting else that day and did not ring him back.The next day I was working  and I text him asking how he got on with his doctors appointment ,when I did not get reply I just thought he was having bad day, at 5pm his partner phoned me to ask if I had spoken to him, he was not home nd his phone was in bedroom, I told her I would arrange cover and I would get there as soon as I could , ten minutes later she phoned again she had found him in garage he had hanged himself that was 25 Febuary 2014. Its now 1 year and nearly 1 month on and I cant tell you how I got through this last year MY sons daughter was born on 26 july 2014, and some people will say at least you have somethng left but even that is so painful he would have been such a good dad , she looks so much like him it hurts, every day I think what if or I should have said  or done and what if I had of phoned him back. Nothing can take away that empty feeling , life has no meaning now I have his child and I have another son but nothing can fill the emptyness. I get up, I go to work, I see my mum who has mental health, my dad who has cancer, I dont live I exist, I have family who care but dont understand , I now understand what its like to be in a roomful of people and feel totaly alone, my son believed he did not deserve to live, me I believe I don't deserve to die I deserve to suffer for the rest of life all for the sake of 1 phone call , if you are sucicdal and reading this , please dont do it someone you love does not deserve to feel like this , i just want to feel normal , I dont even know what normal is anymore , I cant pick my granddaughter up and give her a cuddle naturally , because I can't feel , I wish I could but I cant its all pretend , this is existance and I wonder will I ever be able to feel again. 
Jogie Javier March 23, 2015
 
My 1st born, my pride and joy!
On February 5th 2015 my pride and joy Joche (josh) hanged himself by his bedroom door on a workout bar attached to the door frame. He left us notes. He's last tweet was 11 19 am so I know that by 11 30 he was gone. My 2nd son found him when he came home at 2 pm. At first even with a suicide note it didn't make sense at all. I know I didn't raise son that would just quit like that. He was 21years old. A medic by training and a Guardsmen. Never deployed. 21 days before my son was assaulted that landed him in the emergency room where he was kept overnight for observation. Cat scan shows bleeding back of the head n fracture orbital bone. he was prescribed Keppra an anticonvulsant as prophylaxis. 2 weeks from the time he started keppra he killed was gone. Of course my son was depressed because he was assaulted and in a lot of pain. But it was the medication that made him feel hopeless. I still cry every day and blame myself for not identifying the signs and symptoms of the adverse effects of the medication had on my son. There was no caution given to my son or me by the doctor or nurse that gave discharge instructions. A part of me died that day. I will never be the same. I miss my son so much...  tormented dad
Mary March 17, 2015
 
My daughters suicide
my daughter, Alex, had been in a relationship with a man . It was an up and down one, he cheated on her numerous times, lied about it. And then would manipulate it to the point that she felt she was the problem. Things "got better" , they were engaged  theno he cheated again. She just couldn't take it, again the same pattern, He just kept beating her down mentally, and physically. She finally broke, she was two weeks from moving away from him. We're not sure what exactly happened, as we lived in different states, but we knew she was in a desparate mental state. I tried to communicate with her, she wouldn't answer.  She had gotten a hold of a friends gun, she killed herself. Every minute of everyday I think if only this, or maybe that. I knew she was depressed. This is so agonizing.
Emily Brailsford March 16, 2015
 
He ended my life the night he took his
image I finally after 4 weeks of trying to understand the actions of my son William ,am able to reach out to others in the same situation, my 14 year old intelligent beautiful boy seemed to have everything, was through to premier high leaguer rugby being talented spotted, A star student, popular, a girlfriend and most of all a beautiful person inside and out and loved  deeply by everyone, there didn't seem to be any signs other than normal teenage isolation in the bedroom , and the night he took his life we had our first big argument where swore at me for he firsts time and showed aggression, for 14 yrs old that was the first swear word I heard come out his mouth!  I can remeber being really angry at him about something trivial like paying for his phone yet he failed to answer me after 15 attempts . I told him to get out and come back when he was sorry , by 5:30 am the search party and police had still not found him I searched all the routes he used to walk our dog, and when small daylight returned put my boots on and searched the one section that had been on the back of mind all night , I found him on a gate post . The horror and illogical nightmare started and still contines 4 weeks to the day and I still feel as raw empty despalier, fear and empty , he leaves a father, sister a wide family and rugby and school community devastated . How could I have  missed the signs, it was my fault, as human nature the oath to nurture and protect your baby to them taking their own lives leaves failure and self berating. I don't know how to live with this, not sure if I can, I'm not religious , my son isn't sitting on a fluffy cloud and watching over us , he clearly isn't or wasn't at peace, I can't be mad at him or feel,anger at the mess he has left us all in, I just still want to turn back time and save him tell him I love him not my llast words which will stay with me and haunt me and finding him be with me forever. i know I will never be at peace again. 
mj henderson February 25, 2015
 
Understanding
This February is the 5th anniversary of my son's suicide.  I feel so deeply for all who have written here, and I thank everyone for writing.  We never know when something we have written will help another.  Sometimes just being there--someone who has gone through this horror too--is the biggest help of all.

Tess, I write this post mostly for you, because I live with the pain of knowing my last argument with my son quite possibly pushed him into his action.  You said that your son continually threatened your welfare and his, and my situation was similar. The ongoing up and down, trying again and again to save him from himself, caused me finally to break as well.  We had a really ugly argument, and I wish constantly I could take it back.  PTSD and caretaker burnout are both something you should check into-I suffered from both, and I'm still not well.   I know you loved your son dearly, because I loved mine.  I spent years trying to help him, loving him, believing he'd be okay eventually, trying everything I could find.  Sometimes we cannot save them.  But I want you to save yourself.  You have others who need you.  Please reach out for help for you--you need others to care for you now.  

You need to know that you did not kill your son.  He took his own life. 

You can do this one day at a time.  You do need support though, because alone it is just too much to handle.  

Just know that I understand.  Never in my life would I have believed this would be my life--without my son. Know that you are a good person,  know that your son is with God, who is  a forgiving God.  Know that you are not alone.
Patricia Fountain February 23, 2015
 
My dear Mandy
I read "I miss my son" and I thought " No it's not her fault! She was trying the best she knew! Trying to snap him out of it!" But as the thoughts were formulating others followed that said " You still blame yourself too"

i suppose it it must be important to tell our story, it somehow helps to know were not alone. 

Mandy was not our first child to die, Jennifer died at 3 months of age after heart surgery. I mourned for a life not yet lived, but I didn't really know her, I never even got to bring her home to the nursery all ready for her.

Mandy was our heart's desire, a lovely gift from God that we never took for granted. We knew children could die. We had already learned that lesson. I cherished every moment.
Her childhood was a blessing, but she met a troubled young man at church when she was 14. We wanted to be kind to him, but only allowed him to be at our home if we were there. but his influence was great and our daughter was drawn to him. We started catching her in lies. She withdrew from us and finally one of her friends mother called to tell us of her behavior with the boy.
my husband and I forbid her to see him. She denied any wrongdoing...I told her that her friends had told on her...her face went cold...her countenence changed.
The next morning Dec.11,2000 Mandy shot herself with her fathers 12 gauge shotgun.

 The unending nightmare began.
i too blame myself.... 
Lynn February 14, 2015
 
life does go on
my only child, my Jessica, passed on February 15, 2000, fifteen years ago.  I still argue the police conclusion that she took her own life.
Doesn't matter.
She's gone.
You don't get over your child's death.  You don't ever feel the same.  You live on, you find a "new" normal.  No reason, no rationale, no excuse for the loss will ever be enough, will ever give you full peace.  You live on knowing that the person you would have died to save is gone.  
I wish you a gentle time, some peace in life, and renewed faith in God who, as far as I can see, is the only true help when you have lost child you loved so much.  I pray that I can reuinte with my Jess someday, and that you cna have the same reward someday.  Whatever else happens, be gentle with yourself and always remember the joyful times.  these days I make sure to enjoy immensely the happy times with the grandchildren my adopted daughter has given me, and with any oher children I interact with.  
Rj J February 13, 2015
 
How to live this new life?
image ...without my strong and healthy son, my best friend.  I will be short with my post as i am a complete mess and wake up wishing i had not. Sunday, feb 1, 2015, my son killed his girlfriend then killed himself. We loved her so and her family loved him.  

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